Engaged?
Why can't anything ever be normal for me?
The night my abusive ex contacted me... he proposed after 7 minutes of contacting me from a different state... We haven't spoken in forever.... and he proposes? He kept apologizing and going on about how he had a part of missing since I walked... Automatically my trace of mind went to him being suicidal because of how off his vocabulary was. He is very suicidal. I drove all night against better judgment to get to him. It irritated me to hear how desperate he has become. He kept saying that he didn't understand why I would come after all he put me through. I looked at him and said "because I know what it was like to have no one there for me when I was suicidal until a few weeks ago when my teacher literally saved my life in more ways than one. She didn't have to but she did. She could have walked away, pretended she didn't see anything, and let me die. I know what it's like to have no one and to need them and I won't do it to you." I told him straight up that I wouldn't do him dirty even though he's done me worse. I bit my lips and held back anger and past hurt. I didn't know what he was going to do. I kept trying to tell him that I was there only as a support system since his friends (that he used to say were so much better than me) walked away from him. I can't say that I am surprised. Ironic how he let his friends beat me and I'm the only one left standing. Anyway, he was being extremely clingy. It was unbearable bullshit! He kept saying "I guess this means you'll be my wifey" and I'd have to keep saying "NO" and backing him off. Like.. I feel your boner but I have protection on me for one, and for two, no. It made me instantly sick feeling that. He told everyone we are taking it slow and I'm just looking at him like.... no, you may be, but I stopped and left your ass behind a long time ago, don't mess with me right now. Stop! I finally ended up leaving and I'm looking at my messages in shock. He would never message me and now he's sending 100s within hours. The thing is that I once again feel trapped but for a different reason. He's suicidal so I have to walk on eggshells. Anything could set him off and I'm not going to have his blood on my hands. I ask him everyday how his depression levels are. But I don't love him as I did so I can't say it. I won't agree to be engaged by guilt or force. I don't know what to do. Shit, he's already discussed how many kids he THINKS I would pop out for him and I'm just like.... but you murdered my daughter and think I would ever attempt with you again? Try again!
If Rexy's panda ass would speak to me, I might actually feel better despite the biopsy in a couple of days. :( :( :(If it's not one thing, it's something else. I'm waiting for the silver lining right now but it's not here. It's the not knowing that has me so obsessed. What did she say about me? What did I do for things to happen like this? Was it because of Sugar? I didn't have a choice, he couldn't breathe, he was already dying on me. I couldn't watch him suffer anymore. I tried to save him, there was nothing I could do for him. I tried so hard is that why she's scared of me? Why is she scared of me, I hate this so much!!!
The night my abusive ex contacted me... he proposed after 7 minutes of contacting me from a different state... We haven't spoken in forever.... and he proposes? He kept apologizing and going on about how he had a part of missing since I walked... Automatically my trace of mind went to him being suicidal because of how off his vocabulary was. He is very suicidal. I drove all night against better judgment to get to him. It irritated me to hear how desperate he has become. He kept saying that he didn't understand why I would come after all he put me through. I looked at him and said "because I know what it was like to have no one there for me when I was suicidal until a few weeks ago when my teacher literally saved my life in more ways than one. She didn't have to but she did. She could have walked away, pretended she didn't see anything, and let me die. I know what it's like to have no one and to need them and I won't do it to you." I told him straight up that I wouldn't do him dirty even though he's done me worse. I bit my lips and held back anger and past hurt. I didn't know what he was going to do. I kept trying to tell him that I was there only as a support system since his friends (that he used to say were so much better than me) walked away from him. I can't say that I am surprised. Ironic how he let his friends beat me and I'm the only one left standing. Anyway, he was being extremely clingy. It was unbearable bullshit! He kept saying "I guess this means you'll be my wifey" and I'd have to keep saying "NO" and backing him off. Like.. I feel your boner but I have protection on me for one, and for two, no. It made me instantly sick feeling that. He told everyone we are taking it slow and I'm just looking at him like.... no, you may be, but I stopped and left your ass behind a long time ago, don't mess with me right now. Stop! I finally ended up leaving and I'm looking at my messages in shock. He would never message me and now he's sending 100s within hours. The thing is that I once again feel trapped but for a different reason. He's suicidal so I have to walk on eggshells. Anything could set him off and I'm not going to have his blood on my hands. I ask him everyday how his depression levels are. But I don't love him as I did so I can't say it. I won't agree to be engaged by guilt or force. I don't know what to do. Shit, he's already discussed how many kids he THINKS I would pop out for him and I'm just like.... but you murdered my daughter and think I would ever attempt with you again? Try again!
If Rexy's panda ass would speak to me, I might actually feel better despite the biopsy in a couple of days. :( :( :(If it's not one thing, it's something else. I'm waiting for the silver lining right now but it's not here. It's the not knowing that has me so obsessed. What did she say about me? What did I do for things to happen like this? Was it because of Sugar? I didn't have a choice, he couldn't breathe, he was already dying on me. I couldn't watch him suffer anymore. I tried to save him, there was nothing I could do for him. I tried so hard is that why she's scared of me? Why is she scared of me, I hate this so much!!!
Replies
Hello friend . Surprisingly i don\'t know what to say , though i\'m the master of words , any way that\'s been said we move on to YOU
I\'m not old but i have witnessed a lot in my life , i have seen friends fallen into there darkest fears and i shed blood more than once in the name of family ( which is actually useless ) however my point is this , and bare with me , i cant judge either of you ( you and your ex ) but from what i see here or practically had read here that he is just using you friend .
If you have spent times around people you will realize that they are merely like parasites and they think like one actually .
Your ex has no one and he got one card in his sleeves his wining ace i would call it , its a beautiful , happy , healthy , and a uniquely ex which he uses now because as you said its a dark hour in his life .
You cant afford to go there , to the same state of mind , you CANT afford to let him in again . You and me are the same , we let people in so fast and we held on people for along long long periods , again my point is i want you to know that i feel you , and i know how your mind is over-driving at this moment .
The whole point here is to advise i think so my advise is this :
Cut him lose , live your life , be happy , and for fuck sake if he called you again dont answer , LET HIM SINK ALONE .
God only gave us one life , one soul , no one knows how many years you got left so make sure you get to live the most of it .
No one is this entire universe is worth a tear that comes pouring down from your face because YOU ARE PERFECT , after all you are god creation and god created us perfect .
Please head my advise , cut him lose and don\'t you ever dare to look back
LIFE IS TO SHORT FOR THAT
May god be with you friend