End of summer thoughts
Was at the boyfriends house today and kept thinking negative thoughts, negative thoughts, I waste time, I can’t do anything, I’m a disappointment, I’m a bumbling fool, and I just started crying. It ended up with he and his mum asking what was wrong and a couple lazy hours half napping and half playing the sims on his lap. Then ranting. It was alright.
It’s late now, and I’m home. The blues are coming back and I feel pretty bad.. like feeling bad is the natural state of me and everything else is just a brief escape. It should be the other way around though. Feeling bad should be the brief/unnatural part, and feeling normall or good is the natural state. I know it will get better and I’m striving to believe it. My head really hurts though.
I really wish I had had someone growing up. It’s that old, poignant yearning again. Wishing I could have had understanding parents or an older sibling or somebody, anybody, a friend or a relative that I could have confided in. But I was so closed off that I found nobody, and all I had were the parents, who weren’t much better than nobody. At that time, they only made me feel worse most of the time.
My whole life has been like this. I’ve always been sad, or dissatisfied, or hopeless at some point. Now is no different. And that’s a comforting though, because it means nothing has changed for the worse, I haven’t declined or anything. I’m just.. fighting to be better. And it’s working, I hope.
Two years ago I was in a horrible place, and now I’m not there anymore. I try to take care of myself, eat well, excercise, confide in friends. Still though, that mean voice comes back kinda often, and I wish I could just leave, not exist, not feel the emptiness or the ache with my head.
Someone told me that life has ups and down. So, this is a down? That’s also comforting... because at least it’s not the norm. At least there’s more up from here than down.
But ah, I can already feel that it’ll be hard to sleep tonight.
Tomorrow I’ll be volunteering at an animal rescue. Maybe working with the dogs and cats will be uplifting.
(song excerpt) Maybe I’ll find myself sitting on that distant shore? Maybe I’m not alone.
Replies
Hello, lovely. These things can come over us suddenly. I know what you mean about wishing your parents had been there for you when you were a kid. One of the things that happens as we get older is that we stop waiting for that to happen. One thing I have found is that we can "reparent" ourselves. You can help yourself to fill in those gaps that you have in your childhood. I have been known to throw myself a tea party or to go swing at the playground. There is a part of me that grew up and a part that didn't quite get there yet. You have to vow to be good to yourself and the older part of you can help the younger one along. You may have been emotionally abandoned, but don't abandon yourself. Be an ally for yourself. Love you.