end of an era part 2

I was so hard on him when we were together I think he got the wrong idea. Ever since then I've tried so hard to show him that that isn't me. He never saw it. I kept feeling like if I tried harder he would see it. Like something made him love me before and I just had to find the right way to make him see that I really am as great as he used to think I am. I wanted to show him that he was right to love me. I was hoping that if i tried hard enough he'd understand that I was still beautiful- even though the years have taken their toll; even though I'm huge now. I wanted to show him that I'm not really hard- its just something I've been forced to be. I wanted him to see that I'm really a lover and I only fought bc I had no choice- bc if I didn't I wouldn't have survived. I wanted a lot that never happened.
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What I just wrote was pure emotion. Its that mentality- the thinking that I could actually control others' emotions with my actions- that's what got me here. Alone and stressing the past. Having the past be the only thing that makes sense.

My ma is a super duper codependent- even worse than me- but that's not to say that at my age she wasn't in exactly the same place that I'm in right now. Anyway- I told her that when the same things keep happening to us its bc the universe/god is giving us another chance to get it right. Even though it feels like a punishment it isnt- its really a gift- kind of like a do over. So that's what this is. A gift. Kind of like a do over. A chance to get it right.
That's what I'm gonna do- I'm finally going to get it right. The first step is to realize that no one can give me internal peace- I have to find it in myself.