end of an era part 2 (posted twice- oops!)
I was so hard on him when we were together I think he got the wrong idea. Ever since then I've tried so hard to show him that that isn't me. He never saw it. I kept feeling like if I tried harder he would see it. Like something made him love me before and I just had to find the right way to make him see that I really am as great as he used to think I am. I wanted to show him that he was right to love me. I was hoping that if i tried hard enough he'd understand that I was still beautiful- even though the years have taken their toll; even though I'm huge now. I wanted to show him that I'm not really hard- its just something I've been forced to be. I wanted him to see that I'm really a lover and I only fought bc I had no choice- bc if I didn't I wouldn't have survived. I wanted a lot that never happened. ------------------------------------------ What I just wrote was pure emotion. Its that mentality- the thinking that I could actually control others' emotions with my actions- that's what got me here. Alone and stressing the past. Having the past be the only thing that makes sense. My ma is a super duper codependent- even worse than me- but that's not to say that at my age she wasn't in exactly the same place that I'm in right now. Anyway- I told her that when the same things keep happening to us its bc the universe/god is giving us another chance to get it right. Even though it feels like a punishment it isnt- its really a gift- kind of like a do over. So that's what this is. A gift. Kind of like a do over. A chance to get it right. That's what I'm gonna do- I'm finally going to get it right. The first step is to realize that no one can give me internal peace- I have to find it in myself.
Replies
OMgosh I feel like I wrote the first part. I can relate!!! I feel like crying. I lost so much of myself in that relationship. But, I pray I get over it soon and most important never to make the same mistake.
I know exactly what you mean. The most important thing I find is to forgive yourself. I spent so much time trying to find the answer to my problem in others. That behavior just left me feeling broken and ashamed. The answer to your peace and happiness is in yourself. Its a process- you don\'t get from A to Z over night- but if you treat yourself with as much kindness and love that you treat everyone else with- you will find your way.
As I heal I can see myself gaining compassion for things that have always pissed me off. It\'s really a beautiful thing. This site has helped me so much. When I first joined someone said to me- all that stands between us and our dreams is the belief that its possible and the willingness to try. That belief part is one that I\'m starting to fully grasp. It felt almost impossible at first. But as I purge myself of all my negativity I can see myself actually beginning to love myself. Its a beautiful thing. You\'ll get there too! Just believe in yourself!