end of an era part 2
I was so hard on him when we were together I think he got the wrong idea. Ever since then I've tried so hard to show him that that isn't me. He never saw it. I kept feeling like if I tried harder he would see it. Like something made him love me before and I just had to find the right way to make him see that I really am as great as he used to think I am. I wanted to show him that he was right to love me. I was hoping that if i tried hard enough he'd understand that I was still beautiful- even though the years have taken their toll; even though I'm huge now. I wanted to show him that I'm not really hard- its just something I've been forced to be. I wanted him to see that I'm really a lover and I only fought bc I had no choice- bc if I didn't I wouldn't have survived. I wanted a lot that never happened.
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What I just wrote was pure emotion. Its that mentality- the thinking that I could actually control others' emotions with my actions- that's what got me here. Alone and stressing the past. Having the past be the only thing that makes sense.
My ma is a super duper codependent- even worse than me- but that's not to say that at my age she wasn't in exactly the same place that I'm in right now. Anyway- I told her that when the same things keep happening to us its bc the universe/god is giving us another chance to get it right. Even though it feels like a punishment it isnt- its really a gift- kind of like a do over. So that's what this is. A gift. Kind of like a do over. A chance to get it right.
That's what I'm gonna do- I'm finally going to get it right. The first step is to realize that no one can give me internal peace- I have to find it in myself.
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What I just wrote was pure emotion. Its that mentality- the thinking that I could actually control others' emotions with my actions- that's what got me here. Alone and stressing the past. Having the past be the only thing that makes sense.
My ma is a super duper codependent- even worse than me- but that's not to say that at my age she wasn't in exactly the same place that I'm in right now. Anyway- I told her that when the same things keep happening to us its bc the universe/god is giving us another chance to get it right. Even though it feels like a punishment it isnt- its really a gift- kind of like a do over. So that's what this is. A gift. Kind of like a do over. A chance to get it right.
That's what I'm gonna do- I'm finally going to get it right. The first step is to realize that no one can give me internal peace- I have to find it in myself.
Replies
Oh I am so glad you wrote this. I can totally relate!! In my present relationship I felt like I needed to force my boyfriend to love me, try and prove myself to him, but what I was really doing was trying to prove to myself that I was loveable.... Since I didn\'t love myself first, there was no way for me to find that kind of connection with him. I agree he has made mistakes and hasn\'t treated me the best. But how can you respect someone who has no respect for themself?? I am so happy to hear your are on your way to peace! I believe we will both get there. :)
You\'re so right- you can\'t truly love someone who doesn\'t love themselves. I spent so long trying to find love for myself in other people. What results is the attempt to control people- and that\'s just not love- but my parents treated me that way and I just didn\'t know any better. As much as I loved this dude I was SO controlling. And yes- there were many times where he treated me like shit- but he\'s only human. How much could he have taken without lashing out? I expected him to be superman when I was choc full o flaws- that just wasn\'t fair. Love is letting someone be who they are. If who they are isn\'t right for us then we owe it to ourselves and them to leave and find someone that is compatible for us- and let them do the same.
We have to remove hate and anger in order to make room for love. While we hold all that animosity inside of us its almost impossible to truly see whether or not we are meant to with these people.
I don\'t see Steve as the one who got away. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I do wish I treated him better b/c then I wouldn\'t have spent so much time thinking that I needed to take his subsequent abuse. But wishing I could undue the past by my actions in the present is one of the things that got me here. My past is gone. Now that I\'ve gotten this all out- it\'s time to forgive myself. I was only human. How could I have known what no one taught me? No one really can- not without fucking it up first. And fucking up has always been how I\'ve learned. If you\'ve made mistakes- then you should forgive yourself also. Understand that you\'ve tried the best you can, make amends, and then forgive yourself. That\'s what I\'m trying to do. The past cannot be changed, but the future is still within your power. Be richly blessed, what is meant to be will always find a way.
What a great post! Thank you for mentioning forgiveness... That is something I really need to look at and think about today....
I have learned so much of myself reading your blogs. Please don\'t stop writing. When I read your posts I feel like it is me writing them. I alos need to let go of someone who has been very bad for me. We hurt eachother and I broke it off but he has moved on and I have not. I am obsesed with his memory and I don\'t know why since he wasn\'t a very good catch to begin with. He was definetly not marriage material but I just would not let go and one day I just did. Now th withdrawal symptoms are killing me but I will never let him know. Thanks for you insight I love to read what you have to say.
Keep writing my friend, it gets better- I promise. You did the right thing leaving that dude if he wasn\'t right for you. Just trust yourself. Maybe the reason you are questioning why you left is b/c there is a part of you that usually second guesses yourself and your beliefs. i used to do that too. As you learn to love yourself that will change. Whatever you did its b/c you felt that was the right thing to do at the time. Allow yourself to feel the pain that naturally comes with a break up. Understand that its human to feel pain and that you will get through it. It was hard for me to not see myself as weak whenever my heart hurt- i still struggle with it. But I was so wrong. Not only is it human to feel pain- its necessary for growth. There are answers in the pain if you would just allow yourself to feel it. In order to do that you have to trust yourself. trust that the pain will not engulf you. In reality ususally its the anticipation of pain that is way worse thatn the actual pain itself. keep that in mind.
There is something for you to learn from the break up. Something that you might have known but lost site of. I don\'t know what that something is and you might not know for a while. But I do know that there is a reason for everything that happens. Remember to always ask the question- asking the question is one of the best ways to receive the answer.
I have some book suggestions. \"Feel the fear and do it anyway\" by Susan Jeffers.
That\'s how I learned about affirmations and doing them every day helps me SO much. The root of all my problems is that I don\'t fully love myself- but I\'m getting there. And getting there is way better than feeling stuck. I know how bad feeling stuck feels. Understand that even when you don\'t know it, changes are taking place inside of you. Allow them to happen and have faith. Just breathe. You will get there.