Emotions amok
Back on the emotional roller coaster again! and in the middle of the tornado...
Yesterday, I was very tired, so I took it easy. This morning when I woke up the second time, all the usual physical stuff- gas, headache, body aches- but this time, with that Need To Cry. I tried to keep telling myself that it's only physical discomfort, physical discomfort...okay, the gas quieted down, the headache slightened, but I'm still really sad. I could use some serious coddling today.
It's not going to happen; I've got a meeting today of fellow cartoonists and illustrators. I normally look forward to these meetings because it's the only opportunity I have to discuss my field, but today.....the last thing I need is to be faced with a table full of 28-yr-old single, childless people who can drive and can live on 6-8 hours of sleep, all staring at me and demanding to know why I haven't done any drawing. These people have NO concept of what my life is like...just getting up in the morning and feeling OK is a major breakthrough; getting to and from the grocery store is a major accomplishment. And they're all young and/or they're male, so good luck getting any sympathy or understanding there.
And I'm the Organizer, the Host, so I can't just shine it. Physically, I feel ok enough to go (otherwise I would call it off), but I'm just worried that my present emotional state, which is extremely unstable, will cause a problem somewhere.
I KNOW what it is: my amygdala, which is the part of the brain responsible for emotions, is being affected by either a little spike or a little drop in what's left of my hormone supply, making me feel Sadness, and also Frustration and Anger. "Why am I feeling sad/frustrated/angry?" says my conscious brain, and of course, there's a L-O-O-N-N-G-G ongoing list of Reason Why I Would Feel Sad/Frustrated/Angry, so my mind starts focusing on items on the list: the dishes still in the sink that the teenager was supposed to wash last night, the house is cluttered, making it hard to focus (and being menopausal, I'm incapable of focusing on decluttering), the kitchen is worn out, old, ugly, and totally inconvenient to use, I haven't done any drawing because I use up my energy planning meals, shopping for meals, cooking meals, cleaning up after meals, doing laundry, etc., I have no friends or support in my area, I feel tired and/or sore and/or insane half the time, which makes accomplishing anything impossible.....etc. etc.
OMG, I'd give anything to be able to just call it off and go spend the day being emotionally nursed by a neighbor who is a clone of Judi Dench. She'd give me tea, a shoulder to cry on, and tell me things a wise older woman would say as opposed to what my husband tells me..."Try to let it not get to you".....
"Try to let it not get to me?" Of COURSE! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT! Wow, is that all I have to do, is not let it get to me and boom! it's gone?! and I'll be feeling normal again, just like that?!
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE, BUB! It's GOT me! I know it's here because I want to start shrieking and punching walls and throwing furniture for no reason. I want...no, I NEED to cry and physically destroy something....
I have a few hours to call off the meeting. Sometimes, I find that if I can get out and Do Something, it's enough of a distraction to calm me down and get me stable again (or at least, a little more stable)...and everything's ok. And then I've had times when I get out and go somewhere and I'm either no better, or I'm worse because I'm out in public.
I don't have the horrible physical stuff; in fact, I'm just a little sore and tired. ...if I can just cry and get it out, I think I'll be ok.
Goddess, I HATE BEING SO POWERLESS, so unable to control myself. I can picture the men at the turn of the century gazing at women and saying that we were so unpredictable and prone to hysterics that it would be dangerous if we had the vote or could drive cars.
.....I want Judi Dench....
(Later) Ok...had a nice little cry...now I'm just tired and sore. And I will host my meeting..
.......but I'm bloody hell NOT MAKING DINNER!!!!
Yesterday, I was very tired, so I took it easy. This morning when I woke up the second time, all the usual physical stuff- gas, headache, body aches- but this time, with that Need To Cry. I tried to keep telling myself that it's only physical discomfort, physical discomfort...okay, the gas quieted down, the headache slightened, but I'm still really sad. I could use some serious coddling today.
It's not going to happen; I've got a meeting today of fellow cartoonists and illustrators. I normally look forward to these meetings because it's the only opportunity I have to discuss my field, but today.....the last thing I need is to be faced with a table full of 28-yr-old single, childless people who can drive and can live on 6-8 hours of sleep, all staring at me and demanding to know why I haven't done any drawing. These people have NO concept of what my life is like...just getting up in the morning and feeling OK is a major breakthrough; getting to and from the grocery store is a major accomplishment. And they're all young and/or they're male, so good luck getting any sympathy or understanding there.
And I'm the Organizer, the Host, so I can't just shine it. Physically, I feel ok enough to go (otherwise I would call it off), but I'm just worried that my present emotional state, which is extremely unstable, will cause a problem somewhere.
I KNOW what it is: my amygdala, which is the part of the brain responsible for emotions, is being affected by either a little spike or a little drop in what's left of my hormone supply, making me feel Sadness, and also Frustration and Anger. "Why am I feeling sad/frustrated/angry?" says my conscious brain, and of course, there's a L-O-O-N-N-G-G ongoing list of Reason Why I Would Feel Sad/Frustrated/Angry, so my mind starts focusing on items on the list: the dishes still in the sink that the teenager was supposed to wash last night, the house is cluttered, making it hard to focus (and being menopausal, I'm incapable of focusing on decluttering), the kitchen is worn out, old, ugly, and totally inconvenient to use, I haven't done any drawing because I use up my energy planning meals, shopping for meals, cooking meals, cleaning up after meals, doing laundry, etc., I have no friends or support in my area, I feel tired and/or sore and/or insane half the time, which makes accomplishing anything impossible.....etc. etc.
OMG, I'd give anything to be able to just call it off and go spend the day being emotionally nursed by a neighbor who is a clone of Judi Dench. She'd give me tea, a shoulder to cry on, and tell me things a wise older woman would say as opposed to what my husband tells me..."Try to let it not get to you".....
"Try to let it not get to me?" Of COURSE! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT! Wow, is that all I have to do, is not let it get to me and boom! it's gone?! and I'll be feeling normal again, just like that?!
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE, BUB! It's GOT me! I know it's here because I want to start shrieking and punching walls and throwing furniture for no reason. I want...no, I NEED to cry and physically destroy something....
I have a few hours to call off the meeting. Sometimes, I find that if I can get out and Do Something, it's enough of a distraction to calm me down and get me stable again (or at least, a little more stable)...and everything's ok. And then I've had times when I get out and go somewhere and I'm either no better, or I'm worse because I'm out in public.
I don't have the horrible physical stuff; in fact, I'm just a little sore and tired. ...if I can just cry and get it out, I think I'll be ok.
Goddess, I HATE BEING SO POWERLESS, so unable to control myself. I can picture the men at the turn of the century gazing at women and saying that we were so unpredictable and prone to hysterics that it would be dangerous if we had the vote or could drive cars.
.....I want Judi Dench....
(Later) Ok...had a nice little cry...now I'm just tired and sore. And I will host my meeting..
.......but I'm bloody hell NOT MAKING DINNER!!!!
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