emotions all over....

Throughout the day I have been constantly sitting on the verge of tears. My throat is tight because I can feel the anxiety rising and the tears forming. My stomach is in knots. I cannot seem to picture this week going well. I am terrified and want to disappear. I cannot tolerate the feelings that are swarming through my body. I want to escape. Escape my body, my mind, my life.
Why do I keep going in this uncanny world? What is there for me? Nothing. The future is bleak. The path to freedom is blocked. The path to climb the mountain is covered in ice. There is no way to move forward. So why do I sit here and wait for myself to slowly disappear in this quick sand? Can't the disappearing effect just go faster?
I can't see myself healed and recovered. Not even a glimpse of it. What does it take to even imagine freedom? Just an image would do for now.
I would rather be recovering from being addicted to drugs or alcohol than having an eating disorder and all these other mental illnesses.
I feel all alone. I do not feel as though I have anyone to turn to. I just cry and cry alone. These are the times where I crawl into my corner and just cry in a ball. I cannot make it through this week alone. Why did Joanna have to leave? I feel as though she dumped me. Left me for the rats to gnaw on. I know she didn't, but I can't stop myself from feeling that way. I am miserable and I have no one to talk to. No one to help me through it. It's only me and my mind. Me and my emotions. I can not handle that myself. It's too much to juggle alone.
I want to disappear. Leave.