Emotionally Tired...
Orange. It is the color that best describes how I'm feeling. It's a mix of being in intense pain emotionally but trying hard to hang in there, pass time, make it through safely. It shows the intensity of the noise in my head, bombarding me with echos of my past, in hard to follow rhythms that drive me crazy. Orange.Today has been a struggle. I quickly learned today that I could not go into my dresser drawers without intense SI urges. So I avoided it at all costs. I even asked my sister to go into them for me to get me necessities (like clean socks and underwear). She didn't quite understand but did it anyways. Everyone is doing their best to support me through this mess. My bio sister Terra (who isn't in foster care, but lives with our crazy egg donor) called me today. I miss hearing from her, but I get tired of always having to force her to talk to me over the phone. Her reasoning today for not calling me was that I had a new family, now didn't I? I wanted to scream, "But it's nothing compared to what we had! I could be kicked out at any point, for any reason, but you'll never stop being my sister. We share 50% of our DNA." But I kept silent and felt like crying. I miss her. I miss the life that we used to have, though I do not, by any means miss the violence from her/our mother, the cops being called, the bruises, going for days without food, etc. I wish things were different. I wish she knew how much I still think about her, how much I still love her, how I could never forget the little sister I held in my arms. I wish she could comprehend the hours I have spend crying because she wasn't put in foster care too...I try to stay strong. I really do. But it's hard sometimes, you know? And there always seems to be something somewhere to keep me from killing myself. Man. It'd be so easy to take out that blade, end it all, slip away peacefully, never having to feel the pain of rejection ever again. One more night I tell myself. A little bit longer. Maybe something will change... I don't want to kill myself too soon, I say. So tonight I sleep and awake with nightmares. Because it's so hard to stay strong, especially when your family is gone... And you miss them... And you wish that things were different...But they aren't.~Tracie
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