Emotional Spill (Letter)

Wake up every single day & still feel the sting of the pain...Go to sleep with the same lonely broken heart. I'm so done hoping I would ever be good enough. I'm done wishing you'd come back home to me so done with how it feels with you spinning me wheels letting you drag my heart around. I'm done thinkin' you'd ever change I know my heart will never be the same, but I try to tell myself I'll be okay, but this doesn't happen over-night I can't even drive to school seeing a car that might be yours & I just get that jumpy feeling. Stupid song comes on comes on I listen to it for a second & I feel so sad. I turn around & three years have gone by since you left me broken. I cannot believe I still can't stop crying you won't even give me an hour or a minute or a second... I guess you're busy getting stronger. I've tried to walk away, but I don't think my connection for you will ever fail. I believe we have something that could last forever. I don't wanna keep running from the truth when all I ever think about day & night is you. I mean what can I say? The letter I wrote that day to your parents I look at it & cry everytime I see it I was so angry & I let my emotion get the absolute best of me. I can't even believe I wrote that. I completley don't know who that was or why I wrote that. I was so immature, and weak not even knowing the price I was going to pay losing the only lady I have ever cared so much for. I was to young I was wrong & the biggest idiot in the world. You never knew me to be like that & I'm so so so sorry I can't even stop the tears I cry thinkin' about it now. I don't wanna deal with that another night without knowing I'm from the bottom of my heart sorry for what I did & wrote I truely am, it haunts me every single night. It's true I feel terrible for being such a bad person for saying such hurtful things to your family. Everything I worked so hard for in you I threw it all away just for one letter. Everytime I look into the orange box where you wrote me all those letters made me bracelets, necklaces things to wear when I played sprts like your headband thingy. & I can't even read half of one of those letters without breaking out into a waterfall of tears. , but you're the one I needed in my life & I didn't mean to surrender my ego just for things I didn't agree with your parents telling me. It's all in my head & I think about it over & over again the worst part is I cannot keep picturing you with him that hurts sooo fuckin' bad :''( It's such shame you let other people manipulate our relationship without even talking to me face-face. I remember the day I saw you last...I remember the last breathe you took right in front of me you didn't even want to look at me in the eyes or talk to me after then I walked away sat in my car & hated who I was as a person I was disgusted with who I sawin the mirror & from then on I was never the same. It hurt so bad I replay it over again, but I understand why you left me it's hard out here living a lie, because I wanna tell the world that you're my girl & that I'm ya man & I wanna tell the world that you got me, but that can't be baby? I can put my name on your kiss, but you won't speak my name from your lips? That feels worse than notbreathing while we are just out here livin' a lie. I never wanna let go because you're so beautiful I don't wanna lose you or confuse you. Now I have all this quiet time, and my own space I'm so sick of it so I called you up just the other day just to say, "What's up", but you never hit me back what type of shit it that? It used to be smiling faces how did you just erase it? left my heart on the table how'd you just replace it? I guess that's the past my hearts still aching me feels like we never come back together. I can't figure out the void. Have I destroyed the only thing I love & trust there was only one of us... So dreams is where I have to go to see your beautiful face anymore I stare at these pictures of you hoping that you might want to have a conversation. No matter what anyone trys to tell me I'm not over you. Even when you took my heart & put it through hell I am not even close without you. I will love you anyway even if you cannot stay I know you're the one for me with you is where I wanna be. When you're not here I go crazy don't you know you're my everything? Do you honestly think I'd leave your side baby? You know me way better than that. I'll tell you you're right when you're wrong......When your cold I'll be there to hold you warm & tight. When you're lost, and you're alone & you find yourself not getting back again I will find you & bring you home. If you wanna cry I'll be the one who can dry your eyes. You think I'd leave you side? It feels like a lifetime...A thousand days have past by since I held you close to me. If I can see your smile I know I can live again I need to see you. Heaven knows what to say even though for right now you're so far away, but I hope & I pray somewhere in your heart I'll always stay. Girl lately the Sun doesn't shine without you. I never noticed what it feels like what without you. It feels like I took my last step, and my last breathe & that my life's ending. I finally see after 3 years there is no substitue for your love. So I never want it to slip away. I'll walk a thousand miles just to see you. I'd do anything just to see your smile. I mean I sit around thinking about my mistakes. I still think about you everyday I know feelings were hurt you can blame me because I'm sorry for those stupid games I would play now I swear it's okay. It's like you've got this hold on me. I'm sitting here starring out the window trying to fix the situation. You're still running through my mind when I am knowing that you shouldn't be, and me on your mind? I'm knowing that I couldn't be because you haven't called you're happy as can be & have all this pain I haven't dealt with it all...Damn I gotta pull myself together because I'm trying to deal with some other girls & all I think is you...and when they're gone & I'm alone that's all I wanna do is think about you. I miss the smiling faces in my text messages all the time we spent together at the beach makes it hard to get it out of my heart you don't even understand what you do to me... Is it wrong for me to feel this way? After been running through my mind all this time & it kills me... I miss you Jessie. All the time we spent together makes it so hard to get you out of my system I miss everything we talked about & I would always wanna correct the mistakes I did because I still love you till this day...