Emotional
Hello Sisters of the Heart - the past 2 weeks have been emotional for me with so many thoughts, memories and conflicting emotions. Hunter lives with an "extended family". He considers them family as they have been a part of his life since he was born. Jennifer & Hunter spent holidays, etc with them and Jennifer would house sit/babysit for them many times....I don't consider them my family but it's not about me, it's about where Hunter is happy.. but in saying that, I don't always agree with them. It is what it is and it's all because Jennifer is not here. Of course, my emotions are running high because I want my daughter here with her son because that would be the best for Hunter!!!!
Hunter is not doing well in school - no behavior problems, just grades or lack of grades. Boundaries are kind of wavy where he is living so that doesn't help but it's always easy to "judge" from the outside. Hunter has always struggled with grades off & on because he is so stubborn and because he is so damn smart, he thinks "school is sometimes stupid".....to be 15! Any way Sue called, wanted me to take Hunter for a week-end becaue he had been very argumentative and she was tired...I had him last week-end after I told her I did not want to be a consequence for Hunter being argumentative, but I love having him. Sue is expecting Hunter to do things she doesn't expect her own kids to do....I think she honestly thought that she would save Hunter from his heartache, problems (that he has struggled with for years) and she would be the Savior....she's learning Hunter is not easy (his mom wasn't) but in saying that, Jennifer was a survivor and so smart, people smart.....Hunter is too!
Hunter is so smart, he let me know that he thought it was screwed up that I was used as a consequence but that he'll come over anytime because it's not a punishment....I sure love him....he's my heart. Hunter has made lots of friends and was at one of their houses Friday nite when I picked him up..nice family...He has so many changes and all without his rock, his mom, that I think he is doing okay....
I'm already dreading Mother's Day again....last year I faked it and had a BBQ with Jim's step-daughter and grand kids - I'm not going to do that this year - I'm going to see what Hunter is doing....I just don't do that day very well...the hole in my heart is magnified .......SIGH
I just needed to write tonite - I'm feeling anxious, sad, overwhelmed and angry all @ the same time. I am so sensitive about all of this...we are all doing the best we can do....just wish it didn't hurt so much.
Sending hugs to you all tonite. Thanking you in advance for reading and caring. ((((hugs)))) Vicki
Hunter is not doing well in school - no behavior problems, just grades or lack of grades. Boundaries are kind of wavy where he is living so that doesn't help but it's always easy to "judge" from the outside. Hunter has always struggled with grades off & on because he is so stubborn and because he is so damn smart, he thinks "school is sometimes stupid".....to be 15! Any way Sue called, wanted me to take Hunter for a week-end becaue he had been very argumentative and she was tired...I had him last week-end after I told her I did not want to be a consequence for Hunter being argumentative, but I love having him. Sue is expecting Hunter to do things she doesn't expect her own kids to do....I think she honestly thought that she would save Hunter from his heartache, problems (that he has struggled with for years) and she would be the Savior....she's learning Hunter is not easy (his mom wasn't) but in saying that, Jennifer was a survivor and so smart, people smart.....Hunter is too!
Hunter is so smart, he let me know that he thought it was screwed up that I was used as a consequence but that he'll come over anytime because it's not a punishment....I sure love him....he's my heart. Hunter has made lots of friends and was at one of their houses Friday nite when I picked him up..nice family...He has so many changes and all without his rock, his mom, that I think he is doing okay....
I'm already dreading Mother's Day again....last year I faked it and had a BBQ with Jim's step-daughter and grand kids - I'm not going to do that this year - I'm going to see what Hunter is doing....I just don't do that day very well...the hole in my heart is magnified .......SIGH
I just needed to write tonite - I'm feeling anxious, sad, overwhelmed and angry all @ the same time. I am so sensitive about all of this...we are all doing the best we can do....just wish it didn't hurt so much.
Sending hugs to you all tonite. Thanking you in advance for reading and caring. ((((hugs)))) Vicki
Replies
Hope things work out ok for you getting through next weekend. You always take an interest in all of us. I know that everyone is there for you when you need to vent, too. I\'m new to this group but see that it is a good thing to have people that understand and care. Hugs to you and take care of you, too.
Vicki it sounds to me like you are in a great position. No, I know you would rather have your precious child back. Me too. What I mean is it sounds like you and Hunter have an amazing relationship where you have a 15 year old that actually talks to you!!! It also sounds like you are doing a great job of laying the groundwork for you and he to be friends. Not now, he doesn\'t need friends he needs guidance but in a few years, he will gravitate to you because of the relationship and I am so happy for you.
I\'m right there with you on the anxious, sad, overwhelmed and angry. And oh, did you mention angry??? Me too!!!
Since Jason died I have not had to \"fake it\" - much and this Mothers Day will be no different. I have no desire to celebrate and therefore, it ain\'t gonna happen. Too sad too angry and too broken. Maybe next year, maybe not.
Really tight hugs my friend...
Merrilee
Thank you....for such caring words....one second at a time..
It is hard to watch the grandkids flail without our kids around to step up. I cannot even imagine what Hunter must be feeling, or if he even knows. I am glad he doesn\'t see you as a punishment. That ticked me off a bit, I must say. I will be praying for brighter skies for you and Hunter
being there for Hunter is so important,,, and I dread the coming of another Mother\'s day too... love ya!
You are such a blessing for him and I am sure he is the light of your life. Any 15 year old has a hard time with just the regular ups and downs of life and Hunter has the added stress of losing his Mom. You are his light. Peace, I so understand not wanting Mother\'s Day. Hugs, Kathy
My grandson Keith has had a hard time too! I\'m sure none of these kids like Mother\'s Day. Life is never easy. Hugs Susan
Being there for your Hunter is a great thing! He needs that and so do you. He knows gramma he knows. I hate Mother\'s Day now. I do for my mom but she earned it. One day at a time mama one day at a time.
Vicki, As you already know, you and Hunter are uniquely connected, not like anyone else in either of your lives can be - and in such a way that you can never be dis-connected, no way no how, no matter what. You are Hunter\'s living vine to his mother, you will be for the rest of his life. Hunter is your living vine to your precious daughter, Jennifer, he will be for the rest of your life. I imagine that he being just 15 (such a hard age) will likely \"shift\" to a few different paths while navigating all the difficult , painful and confusing changes that have been \"forced\" on him in his life circumstances on top of just normal everyday \"growing up\" in this day and age as a teen. He may seem to fade in and out of your life (and maybe not - fingers crossed) as he deals with these things and tries out different paths that may make him feel guilty if you knew and then uncomfortable to be around you. But you are a mom already been through your children\'s teen years so know this. It doesn\'t hurt to remind yourself - if this should occur - that it isn\'t you or anything you do or say, but is Hunter finding his way. One of my boys, when 15, was best friends with a boy who lost his mother at that age. He had no connections to others his age who had lost their mother and felt so very isolated and \"not normal\" in the sense that all his friends had mothers and still lived in their own homes and their own room and life was \"on track\" the way life is supposed to be. No one really knew how to help him or how to relate to him and he knew it. His mother\'s mother was his living vine that kept him connected to his mom and to his identity, as only she could do. The other teens and even younger who he met through a support group he finally found really helped a lot and they kept each other \"on track\" or the right path as they became very close in their unique understanding to each other. No one else can take the place of your mom. No one else can take the place of your child. You will both probably be feeling lost on Mother\'s Day and I hope you can spend it together. Love and Hugs to you, Hunter and Jennifer.
Keeping your heart tethers connected are what I feel as I read your journal. I remember when Hunter was going to be moving closer to you and how delighted you felt over not having so many miles between you. Hunter has and always will have you in his corner and you love him and understand him in ways no one else can because you love and raised his mother.
Understanding the messiness and chaotic feelings of BEing all over the place on this path and how I wish it were not so. Just BE so very gentle with every feeling that comes in and know that it will soon be replaced with another one... L
Mother\'s Day for me has always been a bit unique because the year our daughter was born I brought her home on Mother\'s Day and thought to myself that there was no grander gift than that. Her birthday last year was on Mother\'s Day and so it goes. I say just do whatever feels the most healing on that day even if you are not sure today what that might be.
Loving care my friend and so hopeful you can feel your sisters of the heart surrounding you with understanding.
XO Joanie
I love that Hunter recognizes that being with you is a gift not a punishment...I am sure there is a truly special bond between the two of you. He needs you and you need him. Finding how that all fits when he is his age takes time.
I am so glad you are doing what feels right for YOU next weekend. Honor those feelings. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
Oh my gosh. Jennifer sounds like Lisa. I had many sleepless nights - she was not an easy child. School was not her thing but she was smart beyond reason. She managed to pass without doing much. Cevyn is a lot like her. She was 14 when Lisa died. She wouldn\'t talk because she hates crying in front of people. I am so glad that Hunter is able to be open with you. I think he is getting to the age where he can decide where he wants to live. No matter what, we worry, we fret, we cry and overall we miss our kids like crazy. We know what our grandchildren are missing out on. It hurts so much.
Take care of you and treasure that boy.
Love and tight hugs, M
Sending tight hugs as you are feeling so emotional right now. Putting our feelings in writing can be healing, I hope it\'s helpful to you.
You & Hunter are so fortunate to have each other. Sounds like your time together is so special. Hoping for more good times for both of you.
Hugs
Vicki
There\'s no doubt in Hunter\'s heart that you are on his team. He is so connected with you. Each of these children have to be missing their mom or dad more than even we can understand. Love and closeness I hope makes our grandchildren feel secure and gives them memories.
Hugs, Debbie
Tight hugs being sent your way. So wish I could deliver them in person.
Sending love and prayers for you and Hunter,
Leda