Emotions

Last night I felt this huge sense of Calm. After a post that drayborn wrote to me, I realized that I had been making my girlfriend unhappy for a while. I don't want to cause her that unhappiness anymore. I felt that she shouldn't be with me and that it was for the best.
Today, i'm not feeling so calm, I miss her so much, maybe I didn't make her happy, but we had some amazing times together and I keep seeing her in my mind. I'm trying to focus on studying for this upcoming attachment that I have in november, but I feel this gaping hole in my heart, and there is no way that I can soothe it. I don't like feeling empty. I don't have enough friends to talk to about my problems, and i do feel better while talking to them. When I am on my own though, I can't turn off the bad feelings. I can't relax or unwind because I know that the love of my life is out there and would rather not be with me, in fact she would rather not even hear me or speak to me or have anything to do with me. I wasn't the best boyfriend, but I know i'm a good person, I know that she will probably never find another person like me, It's a shame that she probably wouldn't want someone else like me.
I haven't been able to make it through a whole film yet without thinking about her. I haven't been able to go even half an hour. I'm trying to cope but every single day is like a nightmare. I have come to realize that I can't wake up from it, so every morning I have to wake up to this sense of loss and it's kind of driving me mad.