emotions
I just need to write to avoid doing anything dumb right now.
So saturday afternoon I went to lunch with my ex before work, and she started talking about her new boyfriend and how she doesn't like him like she likes me and how she still dreams about me, but she doesn't want to break up with him because she doesn't want to keep breaking up with guys everytime she dreams about me.
Later that night, she brings it up again, how he came out of a long relationship and still cares about that girl and he thinks she (my ex) still cares about me and is going to cheat on him with me (I don't believe in cheat, I also don't believe in any form of adultery). So she was upset and about cried while telling me about a few times where he acts macho when his guy friends around and says he doesn't really care about her that much, or when he's gotten mad and yelled at her. And it hurts me to sit here and listen to this because I dated her for 4 years, and I never stopped caring about her after she broke up with me.
Then last night she texts me asking me if I ever feel like I don't want to move on from what we had, then she talks about the little details of our relationship, how she cared about me and she doesn't want to/doesn't think she'll be able to care about anyone like she cared about me. Then she says how her boyfriend bugs her saying things like "you still love him" and she denies it, but they both know it's true and she wonders if everyone knows she still loves me. And I admitted to her that I deny it when people ask me if I still have feelings for her, but no one really believes my act.
She built all my feelings up, like things were working out, like I wasn't alone, and I had a taste of what I had before. I felt my confidence today for the first time in a while, and it scares me to think that it comes and goes with her, because I can't control when or if she'll ever come back to me. My depression is like sitting in a cold pool for a long while, I've numbed myself to the worthless and hopeless feelings, but her coming to me and getting my hopes up, I've been pulled out of that pool and thrown back in and it's these sorts of angry and sad/lonely feelings that brought me to cutting before. It's these feelings that I've numbed myself to for as long as I haven't been cutting. This feeling is like the second week of not cutting. The first week, you're so into the idea of recovery that you don't really think about it because of the adrenaline or something, but the second week, something small can happen and you want to cry and yell and that rush of everything that you've bottled up for so long all at once, it's too much to handle through expressing it and the physical pain is so much easier to deal with.
I'm not going to relapse tonight, I've been through the second week enough, I can handle myself, but it still hurts. But maybe this is just what everday people that deal with their emotions regularly feel like.
I don't know how to get over her, especially when she just runs back to me whenever I get close to someone new. I wish my friend that knows that I cut was available right now, but instead I'll probably just hold back my tears and put on my fake smile for the rest of the world to see, just like every day of my fucking life. I can only hope that some force of nature or God brings down its wrath on me and ends my suffering. It would simplify things greatly.
So saturday afternoon I went to lunch with my ex before work, and she started talking about her new boyfriend and how she doesn't like him like she likes me and how she still dreams about me, but she doesn't want to break up with him because she doesn't want to keep breaking up with guys everytime she dreams about me.
Later that night, she brings it up again, how he came out of a long relationship and still cares about that girl and he thinks she (my ex) still cares about me and is going to cheat on him with me (I don't believe in cheat, I also don't believe in any form of adultery). So she was upset and about cried while telling me about a few times where he acts macho when his guy friends around and says he doesn't really care about her that much, or when he's gotten mad and yelled at her. And it hurts me to sit here and listen to this because I dated her for 4 years, and I never stopped caring about her after she broke up with me.
Then last night she texts me asking me if I ever feel like I don't want to move on from what we had, then she talks about the little details of our relationship, how she cared about me and she doesn't want to/doesn't think she'll be able to care about anyone like she cared about me. Then she says how her boyfriend bugs her saying things like "you still love him" and she denies it, but they both know it's true and she wonders if everyone knows she still loves me. And I admitted to her that I deny it when people ask me if I still have feelings for her, but no one really believes my act.
She built all my feelings up, like things were working out, like I wasn't alone, and I had a taste of what I had before. I felt my confidence today for the first time in a while, and it scares me to think that it comes and goes with her, because I can't control when or if she'll ever come back to me. My depression is like sitting in a cold pool for a long while, I've numbed myself to the worthless and hopeless feelings, but her coming to me and getting my hopes up, I've been pulled out of that pool and thrown back in and it's these sorts of angry and sad/lonely feelings that brought me to cutting before. It's these feelings that I've numbed myself to for as long as I haven't been cutting. This feeling is like the second week of not cutting. The first week, you're so into the idea of recovery that you don't really think about it because of the adrenaline or something, but the second week, something small can happen and you want to cry and yell and that rush of everything that you've bottled up for so long all at once, it's too much to handle through expressing it and the physical pain is so much easier to deal with.
I'm not going to relapse tonight, I've been through the second week enough, I can handle myself, but it still hurts. But maybe this is just what everday people that deal with their emotions regularly feel like.
I don't know how to get over her, especially when she just runs back to me whenever I get close to someone new. I wish my friend that knows that I cut was available right now, but instead I'll probably just hold back my tears and put on my fake smile for the rest of the world to see, just like every day of my fucking life. I can only hope that some force of nature or God brings down its wrath on me and ends my suffering. It would simplify things greatly.
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