embrace the mush but even still

I am learning something new today. I think. I hope.

I hope it might help someone, it might just be helping me (if but for the moment.)

I find that sometimes I have like a mental focus or firmament to stand on.  A good healthy POV which I fight for daily.

Work helps me with this - and then I come home and have to be independent and strike for

personal goals - though I don't always know what those are - or what I could do - I tend to lose a healthy POV. I lose a confident

or firm perspective to stand on.

Today I kind of thought about some things to do - I tried to- I can't always imagine it (because in truth when I come home and things

get subjective all I can think about is self indulgence. ie: eating, drinking, watching TV.)

I have been thinking about life goals lately - at the encouragement of my folks - I decided I want to volunteer and help people. I checked out opportunities at a local hospital.

One thing I am also doing in addition to the volunteering is a "Walk for Alzheimer's" soon in October.

Today I was feeling healthy when I was at home- and then with not knowing what to do with myself I drove out to the Starbucks

and got a coffee. I kind of felt like I should have walked it for the exercise but I drove. 

Then when I got home I lost that healthy perspective of looking outside myself and returned to that 'oh so subjective'

frame of mind - existing in a bubble here at my house. I kind of realize that I need to embrace these subjective moments. Embrace the mush! To deal with the feelings in a healthy way - as part of life - living with mental health struggles.

Just talking about it - here on my own or with others might just yield fruit sometimes - and then other times it still may be hard to deal with. I think by formalizing my thoughts here I am kind of awakening to the reality - that I will always

have to cope with this polarizing duality - objectivity with my goals - and subjectivity with myself and my life. To get comfortable and used to spanning the two might just be a good thing. I think it might help me... and I hope it might help another. :)

I know it's weird.