emails I sent this morning to my Therapist.
Journals for today:
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Hey M, I’m having a difficult morning Sometimes when I go to fill my needs with creative expression I stop myself for ‘being too much’ it’s not good.
Yesterday I started seeing or sensing the way I was relating to the world was very much withe the sense of ‘an English gentleman’ it may sound funny but it’s an aesthetic a benchmark that affirms me and is something compassionate and orderly that I can be ok with .
This morning behind the iconostasis i became very disoriented. Thankfully I could step away and come into the confessional as I have now done and I wanted to express my thoughts. I could not take care of all the relationships in church, as well as the work, I found my mind fracturing and disappearing. Not knowing basic things that I have done again and again. Forgetting and losing consciousness.
I also thought yesterday that the monastery tends to be a place for fragile people. It’s an answer and a structure that works and there is nothing wrong with that at all. I find myself recognizing my own weaknesses and strengths. Questioning where I belong and feeling like I am ‘landing’ at times in a wholelistic way. Yet here this morning in church, I am trying to do well but I find all the rules and statements from the prayers to be bullshit to be such a mindfuck. About control on a granular level. It’s definitely a paradox all I’m thinking about. Themes of how do we unleash and satisfy our appetite and not get hung up on aesthetics or how do we create order for ourselves that reinforces life affirmation and survival healthfully and vibrantly.
Anyways, thanks for the moment to regroup. I’ll go back to church now.
Wish me luck! Best, Mark
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Services and morning meal have ended. I’ve a couple things to do for the monastery between now and 330p when I do meal prep.
It’s so much about different worlds here (which we each have) when we are relating to one another. We are sensitive to each other and yet have to effectively carry out our duties. Things can mighty brittle and yet taking on personally only serves as distraction. It can be like herding cats sometimes, the conversations.
I’ve been thinking intermittently about living on my own again. Having a job and a pay check and freedom would be nice. Though once freedom happens, there would be a LONG WAY TO GO in terms of working, saving, achieving and creating and establishing my life and myself.
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all this mutual 'need' that exists here and people under such palpable pressure
instigated by the faith.
I understand my need better now - when I went to a monastery in greece
(a men's monastery) - i saw the manifestations of this amongst the men -
one poor guy I saw was utterly devastated and trying to keep up - and i empathize.
Honestly with seeing all this here at the monastery - the pressures and constant activity
are helping me see my role to just care after the nuns - as if they were my daughters or sisters.
I do think about money a lot - and that I need more of it - especially because I have run out for the rest
of the month. Though I am not in debt - desire, hunger and all that have me hoping, wishing for more money.
I have to motivate for it somehow - my mind tends to think on other types of things - I get sidetracked
and hooked into other things like you have noticed. I'll look for work sometime soon -
I have to get down to church now to slice the new loaves of bread and then take to sisters to their different
appointments - I'll be back by 415 to then go into meal prep - and then meal and service,
This morning I was up at 345am to get to church at 430a
in time for service - which lasted until 10am a long day today
and most days - I need to get back to paying attention to Blue.
He needs good care -
Replies
Definitely thinking about what I need from and in relationships. I ventured out to take two sisters to their appointments. I found I was dancing around the nun who sat in the front. I was trying to make sure she was well cared for etc and she was opaque. It felt like she expected the world but did not care about it. For some reason I bent and just let us coexist. Again though it kind of magnified that she didn’t care and so I decided going about my duties with quiet confidence knowing and displaying I feel that I needed to be recognized at some level that I was appreciated for doing these tasks for them.
So if I’m not getting my needs recognized here, I’m just focusing on the work and getting things done. Quiet confidence, going for approval in the way I was acclimatized to getting it as a youth and not knowing what to tolerate or what the dysfunction is. I realize that we all have needs and are dealing with that. Today’s musing in the afternoon really helped me see the enormity of my own needs but also now able to look past my nose to see others have needs too.
Im allowed to weigh the averages of ‘if I am getting my needs met and also to assert what I want. if I need or want more.
With humility though. This is exactly what happened when I started to go out in the world on my own. .. eventually leaving my family behind because so many asked me ‘why do you tolerate this’ My new therapist back then opened my eyes.
But I know my family loves me I just need to manage myself and my sense of relationships.
These are all incomplete thoughts I need to talk them out
I just spoke to my friend Jan from Toronto, she is amazing.
I know it's about averages of needs and happiness met here for me- it's purpose
community it's stability too - I know it
is that way everywhere to be clear. I think the focus on my experience
as well as being able to focus on the others' experience is important. I was talking to a nun this afternoon about Queen
Elizabeth who she loves and I loved her too. She talked about how she had a hard job
to be the center of stability for the UK as well as the entire commonwealth.
There's been another figurehead we have been commemorating, the death of our Patriarch here too -
I looked at his photo today and realized he also was a force for stability and order.
It made me think of maybe in part how I am too. In any event it makes me feel like I am
a part of a tradition which I like. And it makes me remember how
when people come to me for confession - they don't see 'me' they see "PRIEST"
and I take the role seriously - I try the best to help them as best I can - they thank me
and cry - again all this that I am talking about is maybe just again a long day of download and
considering the averages after a full day.
It does feel like l am the workhorse male here sometimes- but I can deal with that and I am.
I have learned so much here - and when the nuns seem to deal with me like they expect
the world- but offering nothing in return - again it's maybe not the best way to frame it -
Maybe all relationships have that a bit - I hope we (my therapist) can talk about it some on Monday.
Life is taking on new dimensions.
https://youtu.be/RJssHQjaZHg?si=KO-FBgKepVnsy8Kp
It sounds like a very full and intense morning, and I can hear how hard you’re trying to stay present and do your best in the middle of it.
You noticed when things felt like too much, you stepped away, you regrouped, and you came back. that’s strength and wisdom in action....It also makes sense that being in a place with so many needs and expectations would feel overwhelming at times. Anyone in that environment would feel stretched. The fact that you’re still caring for others, showing up, and reflecting on your experience says a lot about your heart.
You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Just taking it one moment at a time, like you did this morning, is enough. And I really liked what you said about caring for the nuns like family. You have a heart of gold....hugs.
Big hug sweetie...Starting you day at 345 alone is a lot where you're going and serving until after supper
I agree that when things are getting too hard perhaps trying to bring things into just the moment you're in may help some
You are a wonderful, caring soul Marky who's accomplished a lot
Big hug...xo
Thanks Bob and Jan, you are amazing people who inspire me! I will start my day now and do my best to do good works.