Eight Years
It is 3:06am... I can't sleep... My mind is lost in trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel... I don't feel sad... I feel so many things... but uppermost is angry... I'm angry because it gets worse sometimes... I thought by now I would be pretty well settled in my mind that Cara is okay... better than okay... she's better off... and that its going to be okay because someday I will be reunited with her... but today I'm wondering... will I ever see her again... will I know her... is there something to the question... What If This Is All There Is... Sometimes in the past... I thought God had gifted me with a certainty that there is life after death... but right now... I'm not feeling positive about anything...
Cara was born on September 9th, 1976 at 3:07am... I'm not sure of the time she died... but it was very close to the time she was born... I was told first that she had died at 3:02 am on October 30, 2006... then I was told 3:22am... I didn't hear that she had died officially until 6:02am... I should have known... I should have been looking for her... a lot of reasons... no one cares not even me right now why I didn't know, didn't go look for her... didn't even realize that the dream I had the morning she died shortly before I got up to go to work at 4am that morning... I often think the dream probably came to me as she was dying... to be honest I'm furious that God sent that dream to haunt me... why didn't I realize it was her last message to me... How could I just get up and get ready and go to work... not knowing that a little over 2 hours later I would hear that she had been hit and killed by a car... Yes... like I said I'm more angry than anything right now... not at Cara... I know it happens to everyone all the time... but I honestly am wishing right now I could just throw it all away... this life... everything good and bad... I am so angry...
No I'm not suicidal... I don't need anybody coming to lock me up... and like I told Maxine... its so stupid to ask someone if they're suicidal... If they really are... no damn way we would tell you... then you have to do something... you know and I know you want people to dumbly shake their head and say no I'm not contemplating suicide so you can check that off on your list...
I have one more thing I want to add... and I'm not worrying about offending anyone... because I'm past it... I finally figured it out... so... for those who might want to say something sugary and all that... but who truly have no affection for me... please don't... I'm so done with the bull... walk away... I need you to do that... because I'm already gone.
Cara was born on September 9th, 1976 at 3:07am... I'm not sure of the time she died... but it was very close to the time she was born... I was told first that she had died at 3:02 am on October 30, 2006... then I was told 3:22am... I didn't hear that she had died officially until 6:02am... I should have known... I should have been looking for her... a lot of reasons... no one cares not even me right now why I didn't know, didn't go look for her... didn't even realize that the dream I had the morning she died shortly before I got up to go to work at 4am that morning... I often think the dream probably came to me as she was dying... to be honest I'm furious that God sent that dream to haunt me... why didn't I realize it was her last message to me... How could I just get up and get ready and go to work... not knowing that a little over 2 hours later I would hear that she had been hit and killed by a car... Yes... like I said I'm more angry than anything right now... not at Cara... I know it happens to everyone all the time... but I honestly am wishing right now I could just throw it all away... this life... everything good and bad... I am so angry...
No I'm not suicidal... I don't need anybody coming to lock me up... and like I told Maxine... its so stupid to ask someone if they're suicidal... If they really are... no damn way we would tell you... then you have to do something... you know and I know you want people to dumbly shake their head and say no I'm not contemplating suicide so you can check that off on your list...
I have one more thing I want to add... and I'm not worrying about offending anyone... because I'm past it... I finally figured it out... so... for those who might want to say something sugary and all that... but who truly have no affection for me... please don't... I'm so done with the bull... walk away... I need you to do that... because I'm already gone.
Replies
I hear and can feel the pain in your words. I\'m so sorry. Your questions and your anger are valid. I do wish I could just sit with you...cry or curse with you....just hug you....just be silent with you. In my heart, I\'m doing these things. I wish it were enough, but of course it\'s not.
Feel all you feel today.
(((hugs)))
on.. eight years,, my heart aches.. I send love, hugs and prayers for you today.....
Dearest Elissa, I have no words today, just a huge big hug!!
You and Cara are always in my thoughts. xxx
Those sleepless nights of our minds wandering to so many thoughts we would rather not visit....boy do I know them well.
Sending tight hugs,
Terry
Oh my dear Elissa. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and cry with you.
Sending virtual, loving hugs,
Marlene
Caring when another\'s mom\'s heart is aching... Awakening at 3 A.M. Done that for years and how could we have not \"known\" yet we did know... Wrestling with that too.
With you and caring~
Joanie
I care - could have written so many things you wrote myself. Praying for you today -- when I know words just don\'t help sometimes. Vicki
OF course you\'re angry! Me too! What happened to us shouldn\'t happen to a dog! All sorts of awful people survive, and the ones we love, the good and the pure spirited, get half a life, or less. It is so UNFAIR. And I join you in anger and hurt. That life should do this to us, good mothers, good women, not perfect but loving with whole hearts! It\'s such a shame. Love, Abby
{{{HUGS}}}
Elissa, I believe but doubt creeps in for me too...
This journey is so unbelievably cruel and painful. Just sending gentle hugs of understanding.
Linda
Sending you (((HUGS))) and LOVE dear
Wishing this was not the case for us and sending you some vibes of healing. Peace, Kathy
Elissa, I read in your jornal what i feel/think everyday too. how!?!?! they are (((((((((((((Our Babies!!!!!!!)
Elissa, I can\'t make sense of any of it. After seven years I still wake up at night going through all the what ifs and if only\'s - and however much I try to tell myself differently, I know that David would have got a different treatment at a different hospital. Maybe wouldn\'t have made a difference but that is my guilt to forever carry - in fact I joined this site to try to journal all that but I don\'t seem to be able. I don\'t blame you for being angry - why shouldn\'t you be? You had a beautiful daughter called Cara - and then you didn\'t. It\'s just awful. take care of yourself ~ Joanna x
I have nothing sweet or sugary to say & I love you dearly. I am late reading your journal, but so understand the thoughts, that torture us, as to why didn\'t I do this or that?? The unanswered questions are always in our minds.
You have every right to feel any emotion that you are feeling. I struggle daily, with the anger. I don\'t even know where to direct the anger to, but it is there, never the less...
((((Hugs to Cara & her sweet mama ))))....Julia