efffortful morning

I woke up very early this morning. Mr. Blue wanted his food at 330am...lol

Then I got up at 430am or so and dressed and drove to the Starbucks and got a coffee.

Then I cam home. Wrote the last journal and watched some tely. The same shows

as usual. Texted with friends who live far away and then ate some breakfast.

Cleaned the dishes, made the bed and showered and dressed...and then

went grocery shopping at 8am at the Trader Joe's... Came home, put everything

away and took out the recycling and cleaned the kitty litter.

Then sat down in front of the tely to relax with some dried mango from TJ's.

At 9am, had a zoom call with my family and then after - went to the Petsmart to buy

Blue his food. Came home put the parcel away - and sat back down in front of the tv.

The reason I entitled this the 'effortful morning' is not because I kept busy - but because

when stopped all my activity - and sat down in front of the tely - it was boring and nervousmaking, like I didn't know how to relate to myself or the empty space.

Remember I said my therapist thinks I am one of those people who can't sit still without feeling 

nervous?

But the long and short of it - is that when I shift gears to doing something outside of the taskful -

shift gears mentally I mean - I realize that to know what to do with myself is the epiphany of the moment

and the process of living for me. So I turned off the TV and decided 'not' to relax passively - 

but to be action oriented about my 'downtime' - I kind of had to remember my dignity when alone -

and also remember to believe in myself - as the christian show espoused on TV this morning - which kind of inspired the 1st journal this morning - believing in my dreams -

don't lose your way - stay positive and believe that can and will succeed and know to keep on goal (in so many words.) I liked that message today. 

So that's what I am doing. I am actively seeking out my activity this morning - it is effortful - but maybe

consequentially very fulfilling. I know I could pass the vacuum a bit. So maybe that's what I'll do.

It's weird how sitting in front of the TV and vegging can be something so habitual for me - is anyone else like that?

Is it your 'catch all' thing for just dealing with your 'downtime' or 'time off' and empty space- just social enough to feel

like we're in touch with the world? A bird's eye onto what's going on...???

Anyways, I'll do something.

Peace,

Mark