Eep...and some randomness
Dear DS diary,
It's no longer a secret around here that I've been having issues with nightmares. A big reason why my goal to get back into shape is on a road to nowhere is I can't remember the last time I slept through the night for an entire week.
Then came Tuesday night, and the most unsettling nightmare to date.
It woke me up at 1am, and it was two and a half hours before I could fall back asleep. I can't place exactly what happened in the nightmare, but it wasn't good...like something awful, terrible was going to happen, not necessarily to me personally.
By noon the next morning, word of the attack on the Canadian capital, Ottawa, broke. I felt like I'd just a moment of ESP...the kind that I really didn't want to have. I really don't know what it means, other than it definitely makes the feelings that I'm not safe anywhere a lot stronger...and I really don't know what I can do to even start to reverse them.
This is a shame, because my Facebook friend who's just on the other side of town invited me to a Halloween party that will take place a week from Saturday. I'm going to have to send her regrets now, which was the most likely outcome to start with because alcohol would have been involved, but to see it become a forgone conclusion like this...
...emotionally, I'm hurting all over right now. And there's no point in bringing it up to my therapist because he doesn't seem to have any answers for my retriggers.
A couple of other things:
* Yes, this did lead to a running episode (this means using stuff to avoid doing other stuff, always at home and practically always at night), so I recorded that longplay of Summer Games for the Atari 2600 that I was talking about doing. It's now up on YouTube, in four parts because the last time I did a 15+ minute video YT acted up for some odd reason. I'll be happy to put the individual parts in order up here if you want. (MeggieLizzie, this may be something you want to view on mute).
* I need to get cracking on my paralegal certification eventually, so yesterday I somehow managed -- don't ask me how I was able to focus -- to search for how I can do so. It turns out I can do them online if I need to, and I found three places I can use. This is one of the few good things to have gone down over the last few weeks.
It's no longer a secret around here that I've been having issues with nightmares. A big reason why my goal to get back into shape is on a road to nowhere is I can't remember the last time I slept through the night for an entire week.
Then came Tuesday night, and the most unsettling nightmare to date.
It woke me up at 1am, and it was two and a half hours before I could fall back asleep. I can't place exactly what happened in the nightmare, but it wasn't good...like something awful, terrible was going to happen, not necessarily to me personally.
By noon the next morning, word of the attack on the Canadian capital, Ottawa, broke. I felt like I'd just a moment of ESP...the kind that I really didn't want to have. I really don't know what it means, other than it definitely makes the feelings that I'm not safe anywhere a lot stronger...and I really don't know what I can do to even start to reverse them.
This is a shame, because my Facebook friend who's just on the other side of town invited me to a Halloween party that will take place a week from Saturday. I'm going to have to send her regrets now, which was the most likely outcome to start with because alcohol would have been involved, but to see it become a forgone conclusion like this...
...emotionally, I'm hurting all over right now. And there's no point in bringing it up to my therapist because he doesn't seem to have any answers for my retriggers.
A couple of other things:
* Yes, this did lead to a running episode (this means using stuff to avoid doing other stuff, always at home and practically always at night), so I recorded that longplay of Summer Games for the Atari 2600 that I was talking about doing. It's now up on YouTube, in four parts because the last time I did a 15+ minute video YT acted up for some odd reason. I'll be happy to put the individual parts in order up here if you want. (MeggieLizzie, this may be something you want to view on mute).
* I need to get cracking on my paralegal certification eventually, so yesterday I somehow managed -- don't ask me how I was able to focus -- to search for how I can do so. It turns out I can do them online if I need to, and I found three places I can use. This is one of the few good things to have gone down over the last few weeks.
Replies
I\'m so sorry to hear how much emotional pain you are in at the moment:(
I replied to your pm, we have a LOT in common!!!
Congratulations on pursuing your paralegal certification. That\'s a big step forward for you and I suspect accomplishing that will be the wonderful \"medicine\" for you. Any step forward is a good thing:):)
(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry to hear how much you are hurting inside and having these darn nightmares. Nightmares are not fun and sometimes feel so realistic. The attack at Ottawa was scary and they believe that ISIS might be behind the whole thing and that people (terrorists) where saying that Canada thought they\'d be terror free and will now pay for sending fighter jets to Iraq. I don\'t know if there is anywhere you can go and something is not happening. I\'m in a fairly big city and we have more than enough crime. When I go out I just try not to think about it. I feel bad that you are unable to feel you can go out safely. Going to the Halloween party I imagine would be safe enough. People just acting goofy and dressed up. I\'m pleased to hear you are going to do your paralegal certification!!!! That is awesome and I am glad you where able to find somewhere you can do it online!!! I think it will be really good for you to finish up that. ((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) and lots of comfort for you!!!
Eek...that would be a disturbing dream all by itself...and then Ottawa...yikes. Sorry you had to to through that :(
Is there any possible way that a (very) short appearance at the party would be possible?
Only thinking of baby steps, as always LOL...and thinking that it\'s AWESOME you figured that out about the paralegal certification! Since you call that the only good thing, try focusing on that :) think about all the good stuff it\'ll bring...I\'m assuming higher pay, maybe more steady job security...I\'m sure there\'s more.
Peace and lights to you as always :)