Educating
Good Morning Sisters,
It's the last day of work with kids (tomorrow will be my last day for 2 weeks) - the kids are joyful, dressed in their ugly Christmas sweaters and eagerly waiting for dismissal! I want to yell, ME TOO!! (the waiting for dismissal part)
I could not wait to write this morning and tell you, we all really do learn from each other, if we are open, and the feeling that comes with that is awesome.! You know I have been struggling this season - seems different than last year. I'm sad, lonely and don't care if everyone else is happy about Christmas, this year, I'm not. In saying that, I had made a counseling appointment which I do sometimes if I'm going down my rabbit hole but unfortunately, my therapist is gone or busy for the next couple of months so I was referred to someone else - I thought, Okay, I'll give it a try......OH MY!!!!!!
So I will relay the visit or I will highlight the ?@!%&*..
She wanted a little background so here we go again - dirty laundry being hung and that self blame (which I do so well) was rising up - but anyway, when I was asked "why are you here" - I said that there are times that grief and self blame get the better part of me and I feel like I'm drowning...."losing my daughter", "my only child sent me on a path of identity crisis with a gut wrenching pain" that I have never felt before....SHE SAID - I CAN'T IMAGINE!!!!!!
Oh my- YOU CAN'T IMAGINE???? I sat up on that couch and said, let me educate you a little - I said, "you do realize that when you say, "you can't imagine" that it draws a line in the sand between you and me?" You do realize that by saying that, that immediately I'm thinking, then why talk to you anymore, because clearly you can't imagine that the most horrific thing has happened and I'm drowning and YOU, THE THERAPIST CAN'T IMAGINE? YOU the therapist isn't even trying to find out how I'm feeling or how that makes me feel or...... Joanie, I listened that day @ lunch on Bainbridge Island and took it to heart - I try to educate anyone I can and help them realize what they are saying......This therapist just looked at me - no expression - hmmmm - then she said out of the frickin' blue, I'm going through a divorce....WHAT? So the nurse in me, said, oh - been there, done that.....and my mental status changed to "I am helping you now?".....GEEZ......
My inner child was screaming, leave, get out, this is not for you!!!! Go to your lifeline of moms who get it, who teach, who understand, who love, all @ the same time - and I don't have to pay a co-pay...lol
Anyway, I will be calling the office to let a manager or supervisor know - it was not helpful and I felt like I should be helping her.
Just wanted to share - I'll deal with my crazy @ times but one thing I do know is when someone says something like "I Can't Imagine", the tiger in me will roar loudly for all the moms who just want someone to try and understand our heart......
Have a great day - Love you all and sending hugs along the way. Vicki, Jennifer's mom
Replies
It is interesting how certain phrases effect us soth differently. I guess we all have a trigger.Once someone told me that she could not immagine and she didn't want to!! WTF!!! Did she think anyone wants to know this pain?? Oh well, you can't fix stupid!! Sending you love, understanding and lots of hugs!! ((((HUGS)))), Julia
OH MY!
Like you, I learned a LOT that day when Joanie, Donna, you and I ventured off by ourselves during the retreat to "take time out" and talk about our kids. I've tried to explain, as Joanie did so eloquently, how saying "I can't imagine" is a separator. But I haven't been successful. No mind, it means something to me, I get it, and I will never say it again! So, again, thanks Donna for sharing how it made you feel and thanks Joanie for explaining how and why it's a statement that separates rather than comforting and bringing together.
Anyway, again, OH MY, and a big ole dose of WOW, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! Was her mentioning her divorce somehow supposed to comfort you? Suppose to put you two on a level playing field? Did she expect you to say, "Oh well, then you get it, you understand everything I'm feeling and what I've been through"?????? Lawd girl, I CAN imagine what I would have said to her!!! And I CAN imagine what you wanted to say! And I CAN imagine your pain....not only because I too have lost a daughter, but because I have feelings and emotions and an imagination that allows me to "try" to put myself in others shoes so I can "imagine" what they are going through. We don't have to "imagine" it all 100% correctly, and how could we.....but we CAN and we MUST imagine ourselves in the shoes of others. If not, no peace on earth will ever be found. No compassion will ever be expressed. And no real concern for our fellow humans will be felt.
I love ya girl, and I'm so sorry you crossed paths with this nutjob. On the other hand, perhaps she learned something and maybe, just maybe the next time someone opens up to her she will be able to "imagine".
Peace, Love, and continued Healing for all of us~
Oh Vicki, I'm so disappointed in that therapist and so upset that you had to experience that! Not helpful, indeed her words were hurtful! Some therapists need a therapist themselves! When I was in my late twenties I decided to go to a therapist to maybe heal some of the pain and trauma from my childhood. I often felt worse about myself after therapy. The therapist did a lot if "blaming the victim" with me. After a time I realized that this therapist didn't know much and found a new one. Dr. Bennett "got me" and helped me begin to heal. After Ed passed, I went to a grief counselor who was wonderful and helped me immensely. I hope your regular therapist comes back soon and you have an opportunity to meet with her. I'm glad you're letting a manager know how unskilled & unprofessional that therapist was. She needs to learn to "imagine" and partner with her client's experience. I'm so sorry.
Tight hugs as we walk together this Christmas season and each day on this journey. Loving you and dearest Jennifer, Linda
Vicki, I am sorry to have to waste your time and effort with this person. Such a shame. I give people credit who can do this, I could not as I have heard enough comments to last me a lifetime of how I should be doing this or that. I have to protect the little bit of sanity the I have and stay far far away from those crazies. The Physic ward is full and its not only the patients.
Wishing for some peace this season. Hugs, Kathy
Oh, Vicki... Such a bummer that what you needed, a heart with ears, someone to ask you to help them understand how YOU are feeling could not "go there" with you. The "I can't imagine" is a huge chasm, a line drawn that does separate rather than unites and it's used far too often. What happens is that it allows the giver of those words a reason to halt and stop the conversation because in that moment the conversation has ended. There is no common ground on which to stand and what we are asking for in any situation with our fellow earth suit wearers is that we DO try to imagine, we ask how it feels, we sit in the silence and hold the space even if words cannot be formed...
Learning is what we are all here for and I hope with all of my BEing that she took something from your visit and will think twice before she uses that phrase and or mentions what she's going through. I feel as if the "I'm going through a divorce" was a "get out of jail free card for her." She knew she had not heard you and used that as I'm a wounded soul too. Well, you know what, we are all wounded healers and it's in our shared wounds that our healing can occur. If anything, where she is finding herself today, in that moment should have enabled her to be able to companion you where you needed to take her.
Yes, we come here to share and no co-pays needed and oh, Vicki, it takes tremendous courage to each out and I'm just SO very sorry that this was a bust so to speak.
Each year is vastly different on this grief path and I'm never sure why that is?? I'm not sure our cognitive minds could even really know, yet our hearts are reminding us that something really hurts and it's this tremendous loss of our children. Add on top of that all that you have been dealing with concerning Hunter, working a full time job when you feel tired from all the energy that is used on this path and it's a perfect storm for feeling the way that you do. I get it, I am imagining and just need you to know that your sisters of the heart care so very much and are here 24/7.
Loving care to Jennifers' mom from us and SO much understanding and imagining.
XO Joanie
OMG !
I have talked to therapist for different reasons, one was unreal. the others had common sense. It is hard to find someone who will get us. Like you said we do not charge. Got your back girl
Lots of hugs
Penny
Oh Vicki! I too am so sorry you wasted your time and money when you so desperately needed support and an open heart and two ears! My lord!!! Would it be too much to assume that grief councilors, if nothing else, are trained in the art of LISTENING???? Maybe too much to ask, lol!
I am at an angry place in my journey right now. I do my best to keep my mouth shut when faced with people's unknowing but hurtful remarks but I'm not sure I would be able to keep my mouth shut if that remark came from a supposed professional, I am really glad you spoke up. Maybe, just maybe the councilor will take away from your meeting that she is lacking in areas of her education? You sure did your part!
Tightest of hugs and I'll even throw in a high-5 for your voice!
Merrilee
I hate it when people say things like that. I KNOW they don't realize how they are making me feel, but sometimes I get really, really tired of being so understanding of their ignorance. The worst..."If it weren't for my other children I would not have survived." Oh really, well I lost my only one, so do you think you love your children more than I love mine? "I couldn't do it." Again, is that because you love your children more, or because you are hurt more than I am? Let me assure you, I love my child just as much but most likely much, much more than you can imagine...and I have survived because I had to.