Eating habits // 34 days
My therapist has repeatedly expressed his frustration about my unwillingness to accept the seriousness of my self-injurious behaviour.
After eleven days without eating anything, I called him to cancel our upcoming appointment and we discussed this topic a bit. He said "You know that this can´t go on like that...".
Now it´s day 34, and if I see him again next friday (13nd February) it´s day 39.
I don´t need a degree in psychology to know how he is going to react. We never went into detail with cutting and substance abuse or paid lots of attention to it, but I have a feeling that refusing food is different.
You know, I´m beyond exhausted, both mentally and physically. I function, in that I attend (most of) my classes and act like usual in front of my friends, teachers and family.
But as much as I laugh everything off, I can´t ignore the impact that not eating has on my daily life. It makes everything seem like a bigger challenge than it already was before - getting up in the morning, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, going to school, staying awake during classes, communicating with people,...the list goes on.
My goal is to be honest to my therapist, as much as I can. If he asks me "Did you eat?" I can reply "Yes" and we will go on like usual.
If I reply "No" ... well, what happens next? It´s the "Not knowing how this is going to end" - part that scares me and prevents me from being completely honest.
I already lie to everyone else about my eating habits. I hide the food my mom buys me to make it seem like I ate something. I cancelled a meeting with my math class next week where I was supposed to make pizza with my teacher and classmates by saying "I have a doctor´s appointment".
My behaviour is so pathetic, it´s not even funny anymore.
After eleven days without eating anything, I called him to cancel our upcoming appointment and we discussed this topic a bit. He said "You know that this can´t go on like that...".
Now it´s day 34, and if I see him again next friday (13nd February) it´s day 39.
I don´t need a degree in psychology to know how he is going to react. We never went into detail with cutting and substance abuse or paid lots of attention to it, but I have a feeling that refusing food is different.
You know, I´m beyond exhausted, both mentally and physically. I function, in that I attend (most of) my classes and act like usual in front of my friends, teachers and family.
But as much as I laugh everything off, I can´t ignore the impact that not eating has on my daily life. It makes everything seem like a bigger challenge than it already was before - getting up in the morning, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, going to school, staying awake during classes, communicating with people,...the list goes on.
My goal is to be honest to my therapist, as much as I can. If he asks me "Did you eat?" I can reply "Yes" and we will go on like usual.
If I reply "No" ... well, what happens next? It´s the "Not knowing how this is going to end" - part that scares me and prevents me from being completely honest.
I already lie to everyone else about my eating habits. I hide the food my mom buys me to make it seem like I ate something. I cancelled a meeting with my math class next week where I was supposed to make pizza with my teacher and classmates by saying "I have a doctor´s appointment".
My behaviour is so pathetic, it´s not even funny anymore.
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