Easter Friday

Last night was pretty weird. It was Good Friday. But it doesn't feel like it. I don't really know what to feel or what to think. Last year on Good Friday althought if fell slightly later in the year, well that was when Kenny passed. Went up to the Gravey yesterday with lil Lor, but only very briefly as it was fecking freeeezing! We are going up on the 6th of April though to lay some flowers. Still not sure which ones to get. Something nice. A little reminder of how much I care.  I was at Dave's last night. Think we had a bit of a breakthrough sort of =S if you want to call it that. Basically we were just talking about our feelings and life in general. I understand how much he cares and loves me but I don't feel the same. I felt my emotions all building up in me and eventually I just cried. I couldn't stop myself! The last person ever to tell me they loved me and hug me and look at me the way he does was Kenny. I think thats why it hurts all the more. Sometimes Dave reminds me of Kenny. Not for the looks, a little of the personality perhaps, maybe its the feeling of closeness I have being able to tell him things that I could only ever share with Kenny.  It was quite a strange night indeed. I was shaking and felt very cold. I felt really quite close to Dave the way we just lay there chatting. I found it very difficult to speak about my feelings. Like I told him I just missed having someone to lie there with and feel close to and to feel loved, that broke me down. Because all I could think about was Kenny. Kenny really had such an impact in my life. Some really intense feelings we had. I was just too scared to show Kenny how I truly felt and now I am really kicking myself for it. But I know that he is gone and I won't be seeing him again. Not in this lifetime anyway. I can only hope that he is up there, in the clouds, or somewhere in another dimention, a far better one than this, and he is at peace. That's what I hope for. And I hope that one day we can be together again, that is, if he still feels the same. Because I know what I have lost and I know how stupid I was at the time and how I should have treasured what I had more rather than thinking it'd last forever. It doesn't. Nothing does.  So today, feelings for today, I feel alright. I feel calm. Well, maybe I take that back, my stomach is actually starting to feel quite funny. It's like butterfly's but its more a feeling of hurt and that loneliness kicking in again. I thought I felt okay. It's only when I start talking about my feelings and letting them all out that the truth slowly surfaces. I can only hope for better days. I always said this year will be different. Time will tell.