Dropped a Class
I don't think that this is healthy. I feel like I am moving towards suicide everyday. I fell that it will be easy and rewarding and I know that is scary to me because i shouldn't feel that way about suicide. I am studying psychology and I am understand ing it, but I am not getting the grades that I need to fulfill requirements to a PhD program. I am scared to move forward because i think that it will end in suicide. I feel that there are still certain things that pressure me to a degree that i cannot take.
I had to drop one of my courses this afternoon, Biology I. I needed to drop it and in doing so it relieved a lot of strss and opened a lot of time in my schedule for internships work and personal fulfillment. I am drinking more now and during the week as well. My mom does not say anything to me but I am going through whisky and bourbon like crazy. Oh and on another not my bank account is at about $1,300 and I don't want to cash another savings bond, my last savings bond and the largest. I am bring to save it for most of the grad school and to add credible as part of my credit which is not good at the current moment.
My real fear is that I am going to commit suicide. I thought that this would not happen again. But, it is, and I have to deal with that. I am going to talk to my doctor about adding a diagnosis to my axis I, I think that I have ADD/ADHD and i think that medication would benefit me in the academic sense and I may be able to focus more on school and every aspect of it. I want to try some medication and see if there might be a change but there are no psychological documentation of a bipolar person also having ADHD, and if they do, what medication works and does not contradict the other medications that I am taking. I am having around 2 maybe more panic attacks a day and I cannot predict them, i am just going along my business and there they come. I hate panic attacks and if you see the responses of those around me when I have them is frightening and embarrassing. I can't breathe, concentrate, I can't pull myself out of what's happening. Sometimes I have to sit in a seat and in recent activities I couldn't fine a place to sit so I simply sit on the floor or go into the bathroom. It's so embarrassing and complex and no one other than others with panic disorder would understand how paralyzing and debilitating this is. I don't know what to do, and when i take a xanax I am anxious that it is going to skew my short term memory.
I am do tired, it has been a long day and I just want to relax and go to bed. I will try to write more tomorrow and I see my doctor on Friday so I will see what she says.
Goodnight moon.
I had to drop one of my courses this afternoon, Biology I. I needed to drop it and in doing so it relieved a lot of strss and opened a lot of time in my schedule for internships work and personal fulfillment. I am drinking more now and during the week as well. My mom does not say anything to me but I am going through whisky and bourbon like crazy. Oh and on another not my bank account is at about $1,300 and I don't want to cash another savings bond, my last savings bond and the largest. I am bring to save it for most of the grad school and to add credible as part of my credit which is not good at the current moment.
My real fear is that I am going to commit suicide. I thought that this would not happen again. But, it is, and I have to deal with that. I am going to talk to my doctor about adding a diagnosis to my axis I, I think that I have ADD/ADHD and i think that medication would benefit me in the academic sense and I may be able to focus more on school and every aspect of it. I want to try some medication and see if there might be a change but there are no psychological documentation of a bipolar person also having ADHD, and if they do, what medication works and does not contradict the other medications that I am taking. I am having around 2 maybe more panic attacks a day and I cannot predict them, i am just going along my business and there they come. I hate panic attacks and if you see the responses of those around me when I have them is frightening and embarrassing. I can't breathe, concentrate, I can't pull myself out of what's happening. Sometimes I have to sit in a seat and in recent activities I couldn't fine a place to sit so I simply sit on the floor or go into the bathroom. It's so embarrassing and complex and no one other than others with panic disorder would understand how paralyzing and debilitating this is. I don't know what to do, and when i take a xanax I am anxious that it is going to skew my short term memory.
I am do tired, it has been a long day and I just want to relax and go to bed. I will try to write more tomorrow and I see my doctor on Friday so I will see what she says.
Goodnight moon.
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