Drop off....run....boomerang ouchie
Dear DS diary,
This story starts with the shot in my photos area with that ginormous pile of puzzle books I've accumulated over the years. Simply put, I don't touch them anymore. The memories of having a full-on addiction to them, in the belief that they would drown my sorrows, hurt too much.
But yesterday, I inadvertently made this hurt even more.
The intentions were good. There was just no way I was going to go back to those books; it was a pile bigger than any person on planet Earth should be allowed to have. So I wanted to get rid of them. But EBay is a crap shoot, and I have no real life friends I could give them away to...and there were just so many. Wanting to put the drawer where they sat to better use, I took advantage of my parents being out shopping all morning on Saturday and hauled them down to a Got Books? bin downtown. All of them.
Getting there was an adventure. I only had two bags I could use for the purpose, and they weren't enough, so I was carrying some of them under my arm. Then the handles on one of the bags broke after a couple of blocks. Eventually a passing motorist saw me struggling and tossed me a Target bag that she didn't need. I said thank you but wished I could have paid her for her good deed, because it was thanks to that third bag that I got the load down to the bin, eventually, and offloaded every last book. In the strict sense I'm not supposed to throw in magazines but I did it anyway.
Should be at least a small victory, right?
Nope. It's not that simple for me. Because the outside world is to me a threat, I've had no sense of self-control with any hobby I've ever attempted, period...even something that's supposed to be harmless like reading. The only good thing is this hasn't involved drugs or alcohol. If I had any trust in my self-control at all, I would have left a few, or even a couple, of puzzle books behind just to mess around with from time to time. The fact that I wouldn't let myself do that, instead making sure every last thing went into that bin, just reinforces the fact that I can't trust myself with anything for a hobby. They're just hiding mechanisms. All of them.
Worst of all, I didn't make it through the day before I wanted them back. So it's only a matter of time before I either a) relapse with something else or b) give up on finding a hobby entirely. And the latter looks like a certainty after this.
This story starts with the shot in my photos area with that ginormous pile of puzzle books I've accumulated over the years. Simply put, I don't touch them anymore. The memories of having a full-on addiction to them, in the belief that they would drown my sorrows, hurt too much.
But yesterday, I inadvertently made this hurt even more.
The intentions were good. There was just no way I was going to go back to those books; it was a pile bigger than any person on planet Earth should be allowed to have. So I wanted to get rid of them. But EBay is a crap shoot, and I have no real life friends I could give them away to...and there were just so many. Wanting to put the drawer where they sat to better use, I took advantage of my parents being out shopping all morning on Saturday and hauled them down to a Got Books? bin downtown. All of them.
Getting there was an adventure. I only had two bags I could use for the purpose, and they weren't enough, so I was carrying some of them under my arm. Then the handles on one of the bags broke after a couple of blocks. Eventually a passing motorist saw me struggling and tossed me a Target bag that she didn't need. I said thank you but wished I could have paid her for her good deed, because it was thanks to that third bag that I got the load down to the bin, eventually, and offloaded every last book. In the strict sense I'm not supposed to throw in magazines but I did it anyway.
Should be at least a small victory, right?
Nope. It's not that simple for me. Because the outside world is to me a threat, I've had no sense of self-control with any hobby I've ever attempted, period...even something that's supposed to be harmless like reading. The only good thing is this hasn't involved drugs or alcohol. If I had any trust in my self-control at all, I would have left a few, or even a couple, of puzzle books behind just to mess around with from time to time. The fact that I wouldn't let myself do that, instead making sure every last thing went into that bin, just reinforces the fact that I can't trust myself with anything for a hobby. They're just hiding mechanisms. All of them.
Worst of all, I didn't make it through the day before I wanted them back. So it's only a matter of time before I either a) relapse with something else or b) give up on finding a hobby entirely. And the latter looks like a certainty after this.
Replies
Oh David, I\'m sorry you thought you should have paid the lady for giving you that bag. Please accept it in the spirit it was given, someone saw you in need and helped out. That shows there are still some kind people in this world.
You said your puzzle books were \"just hiding mechanisms\". I have to wonder if rather than \"hiding mechanisms\" they were more of a way for you to cope with your emotional pain?
Many people have all kinds of coping mechanisms, some are really not good, but, things like reading, puzzles, crafts, etc. are all helpful ways to stay \"in the moment\" so to speak rather than dwelling on all the negatives.
I dearly wish you could see the young man I do when I look at your picture.
You\'re a very talented and determined.
The fact you make it to work every day and do your level best when you\'re there is one way that shows you have good character. I\'ll bet the people that come into the pharmacy appreciate what you do, even if they don\'t see you.
Working in a pharmacy is a challenging position. I have a friend that works in one and she\'s told me how some of her days have gone and they weren\'t all good.
You\'ve stayed when it would have been easier not to. You really are a very strong young man and I wish I could get you to believe that to!!!!
I hope by now you\'re feeling at least a little bit better. How\'s your training for the marathon(?) going? I think that\'s what you said you were striving for.
I\'m sorry but my memory is pretty bad these days so I\'m not sure.
At any rate, you are not forgotten and you are cared about!!!!
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))