Driving
Hello my loving sisters...as I said yesterday, today is week 10 since my daughter took her live and crushed my heart. It seems like I am doing better today than I was yesterday, as if the anticipation was worse than the real thing...or it could just be another mood swing in the upward direction this time...who knows??? Well, all of you I guess.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I have been taking Abilify and have to go back to re-evaluate. I don't think it is working...but truly, how on earth would I know??? I haven't yet established my "normal" so it's very hard to judge...I mean, today I am feeling better, but yesterday was bad. Could it be the medication needed one more day??? I am a little afraid of it anyway because it can cause diabetes and that runs heavily in my family. But if it would make me feel better it would be worth the risk...
However...no pill is going to bring my daughter back...I saw my local ARNP last week for my blood pressure ( I NEVER had high blood pressure before this) and after our initial consultation she asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I had held it together until then, but that questions opened the floodgates. Of course there is nothing she can do for me, no matter how much she wants to help. She offered a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen...she offered compassionate friendship on a human level but her little prescription pad holds no answers I am afraid. At least nothing I am not already trying with my psychiatrist.
I am going to have to get my husband to drive me to my appointment. It just isn't safe for me or any other driver on the road for me to be behind the wheel. The last three times I have tried to drive I had horrible panic attacks and had to pull over. I had the aforethought to get off the road before the worst hit. I had a few moments of clarity when I said to myself, "Okay, this is going to be a bad one, it's time to get off the road".
I know I an be honest on here with you guys...I am truly trying my very best to survive this, but I am afraid if I should get overtaken by a bad one, while driving, I might not be able to maintain control my myself in time...even worse, I might not want to. When I am home, the only place I feel safe, I will usually end up on the floor, hysterical, feeling all the mental, physical and emotional pain in the world. Sometimes I hit my head on the cabinet or wall, depending on where I am, while rocking...I don't know why I do this, but the point is, it's not fatal. There is only so much damage I can do compared to driving.
I am going to discuss all these things with my doctor tomorrow. I love my dotor and I trust him...I guess I have just been afraid to tell him everything, since he has professional obligations and I don't want to end up in the hospital. My daughter was in a pyschiatric hospital twice before and neither time did any good for her.
I know we are all different and even though we started at the same place, more or less on this journey, we all have to find our own way. Yet I want to ask...have any of you had the driving problems??? The, not wanting to leave home thing??? The rocking, hysterical attacks with touches of self harm???
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I have been taking Abilify and have to go back to re-evaluate. I don't think it is working...but truly, how on earth would I know??? I haven't yet established my "normal" so it's very hard to judge...I mean, today I am feeling better, but yesterday was bad. Could it be the medication needed one more day??? I am a little afraid of it anyway because it can cause diabetes and that runs heavily in my family. But if it would make me feel better it would be worth the risk...
However...no pill is going to bring my daughter back...I saw my local ARNP last week for my blood pressure ( I NEVER had high blood pressure before this) and after our initial consultation she asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I had held it together until then, but that questions opened the floodgates. Of course there is nothing she can do for me, no matter how much she wants to help. She offered a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen...she offered compassionate friendship on a human level but her little prescription pad holds no answers I am afraid. At least nothing I am not already trying with my psychiatrist.
I am going to have to get my husband to drive me to my appointment. It just isn't safe for me or any other driver on the road for me to be behind the wheel. The last three times I have tried to drive I had horrible panic attacks and had to pull over. I had the aforethought to get off the road before the worst hit. I had a few moments of clarity when I said to myself, "Okay, this is going to be a bad one, it's time to get off the road".
I know I an be honest on here with you guys...I am truly trying my very best to survive this, but I am afraid if I should get overtaken by a bad one, while driving, I might not be able to maintain control my myself in time...even worse, I might not want to. When I am home, the only place I feel safe, I will usually end up on the floor, hysterical, feeling all the mental, physical and emotional pain in the world. Sometimes I hit my head on the cabinet or wall, depending on where I am, while rocking...I don't know why I do this, but the point is, it's not fatal. There is only so much damage I can do compared to driving.
I am going to discuss all these things with my doctor tomorrow. I love my dotor and I trust him...I guess I have just been afraid to tell him everything, since he has professional obligations and I don't want to end up in the hospital. My daughter was in a pyschiatric hospital twice before and neither time did any good for her.
I know we are all different and even though we started at the same place, more or less on this journey, we all have to find our own way. Yet I want to ask...have any of you had the driving problems??? The, not wanting to leave home thing??? The rocking, hysterical attacks with touches of self harm???
Replies
Yes. All of them. I am messaging you.
You did the right thing to stop driving for awhile. It is a struggle to face each day. You are doing the right things. You are grieving the way you need to grieve. Just be careful banging your head. I understand the need to cause physical pain in order to dull the emotional pain.
Please be very frank with your psychiatrist.
My thoughts are with you.
Love and hugs to you and Cassi,
Marlene
I have the stay at home thing and forced myself out just this week..4 months in. I go out for church, but not much else...I could hear my son in my head saying Maaa, get over yourself. So I am trying to do just that. Aargh. You are amart not to drive though. Sending healing prayers, love Lauri
Maybe your doctor can help you figure out if the meds are interfering with your driving ability. You are wise to consider alternatives to drivingif you\'re unsure what to do, it\'s always better to err on the side of caution! Be careful! Love, Donna
Your doctor needs to know everything that you are thinking and feeling. I never did self harm, yet I do remember thinking what would it matter if I just went down into my garage and turned on my car with the door down. In that moment I scared myself so badly that I knew I needed more help.
Cocooning is part of the passage and one I still need even today from time to time. It takes SO much energy to be out in the world and you are using every ounce of it now in grief so there is just nothing left over. Each of us is very unique in this way as to whether or not being out among people brings comfort or not. I needed a little of both and could not cocoon for too long, yet too much on the outside wore me out as well. It\'s a dance and one that you are learning dear Gina.
Loving care and please, no self harm. This needs to be discussed with your doctor as it may be ramped up with this combo of meds that you are on?
Caring about you~
XO Joanie
I\'m sorry I have no words of wisdom for you...I lost my son Lewy 8 weeks ago and can barely function myself. But I will pray for God to give you some peace as you travel this very difficult path.
Thinking of you.
Peace.
Gina, I was ok driving to work but driving home was awful. I cried so hard I could not see & probably shouldn\'t even have been in a car. I had thoughts such as maybe I will not survive but thank goodness didn\'t want to end my life. It helped me over time to find ways to honor God and Ed with my life. It is a process...a difficult one for sure. Hold on my dear friend. This pain of grief does become manageable. Your daughter\'s passing is so recent. It takes time. Much love to you and precious Cassi, Linda