drifting further & further from shore
feel unrooted, sad. confused. dismissed. foolish. and alone too much.
park the feelings and do laundry. park the feelings and make pork chops.
compartmentalize emotions that come and go like a visiting north wind.
don't let the emotions take over. let them be. leave them to percolate for awhile.
just don't drink the emoticoffee. keep going.
i couldn't sleep last night, one reason why i feel so off course.
every time......ok not every but many many times when i go out of this house it disrupts my sleep pattern. it turns to insomnia so quickly. why is that? over stimulation perhaps? after being relatively dormant inside this little cottage?
the pork chops are browning nicely, the oven is preheating to finish cooking the pork all the way through. a nice change from hamburger.......and sandwiches and eggs.
sometimes when i go out the exercise truly serves to enhance a deeper/better quality of sleep. ......at least i think it does......i find that i sleep for longer periods of time, the exercise and interaction with people is a good addition to the week.
i'm the only person here to study and review.
when i sat down in that dental chair yesterday it felt surreal, i was scared......this dentist would not previously and on this day as well .....would not discuss things with me as an owner should. many people myself included have limits on conflict.......but this man is in a whole new class. sorry, enough attacking the dentist. for all i know this may have been his big dream and he failed and i need to take the high road.......while i still want someone/anyone to say, "there there baby, it's alright..."
and then go in and punch his dentist nose for me. no i'm not a violent kind of girl, this is just a continued vent of the level of powerlessness i felt yesterday. it is hard to trust someone to work in your mouth when they won't address the situation. i was feeling a level of panic almost........the feeling you get when you're in a fender bender........not hurt really and yet you know all your muscles are tensed up to the max and you're gonna feel it for a while.......
i was praying my scared little sparrow brains out. wishing i had a representative with me to sort it out......i wanted a handsigned document stating that this dentist would fulfill his obligations to me/to the contract. hell's bells. why did i just leave? why didn't i try to force the issue? i suppose it's because i felt the futility....he's not gonna step up. he just ain't.
let it go. you're tired girl, so tired. i gave up trying to sleep and that's why i'm doing house mouse stuff. the laundry is in the dryer.....the hangers wait for clean clothes. the oven has the pork chops in hand.......and i'm venting and whining and venting some more. life goes on....one way or another.
my friend debbie cleaned on monday -- before she left she gave me a card......a Valentine card.....so thoughtful. i had stuff scattered all over the place, so i put the envelope in the house straight away, on the corner of this table. then later......much later i couldn't find it. when i laid down and started saying my prayers i throught i must have thrown it away by accident. so up i got and went through the kitchen trash. all of it. ick. it wasn't there.......it never occurred to me that it was already in the big outside trash.....i went to bed feeling bummed but finally slept. telling my body to rest cause i had to go to the dentist. i bet it was a very nice card....
i did go to bible study.......and shared a bit of something about myself, the next thing i knew my face was leaking......yeah, out of my blue peepers.......man. hate that. all through the bible study i felt like a church orphan. thought of reasons why it's my fault and reasons why it's the fault of this church. and then tried to reign it all in.......put on the big girl panties and get my mind on the 14th chapter of John. it was a good decision.......but i still realize i'm not a good fit. i'm not a methodist. i'm not terribly far away, but far away enough.......as much as i've enjoyed getting to know some of the people there is no real connection. not really......they all seem to share something that i just don't have. they share the growth and connection that comes from spending regular time together. am i doomed? c'mon girl, don't be so dramatic. keep going. try another church.
there is no lutheran church close by, if there was that is where i would go at this point. there is a lutheran church about an hour plus from my home which just isn't a realistic church. it sits in a grove of tall pines......has a lovely big red door......but it's too far. may as well be paris.......or prague or perth.
the sun just came out. we had heavy storms last night....flashes of light through out the evening ---- the winds kept escalating. and now there is this pretty blue sky, fluffy white clouds.......and just the slightest sway in the tall trees at the back of the property.
a beautiful day.
the trash is ready to be picked up. that's good. i got a shower and fresh pj's on.......food in the oven, clean clothes on the way. count those blessings. look up and see the sun sparrow.........stop turning inward ....let God hear these hurts, forgive me for my sins, heal the emotional pain, continue to teach me how to cope, to lean in to life as well as health issues. people will let us down, some won't......but many will.
i let people down.......here and in day to day life. i know i do.......i think of you so many times.......wish you could come over or i could drop by for a visit.....across the road, over the fence.......but i can't help but think i've overshared......like some of those movies back in the 80's......sometimes it seemed like the movie characters never left one unexpressed thought inside their brains.......is that who i am now? this person that people need to keep at arms length? am i too harsh, not harsh enough........seriously tired and yet for reasons i am too tired to understand i know i can't sleep. at times like this i do wish i had some kind of med to just knock me out. so i don't end up crashing for two or three weeks. not to take every night. i already learned in the past that regular night meds mess me up, everything from migraines to nausea, to nightmares. SIGH.
please Lord help me move on....turn the page, get along little doggie.........not dwell on negatives but seek light and warmth and joy and hope.......through faith.
the pork chops are done, they smell good. annie is chasing a bug. get it annie! rio is lazing in the sun rays splashing the kitchen floor. time to take some cleansing breaths, listen to some good music and then in a little while aim for a nap.
pray for me, i will pray for you.......sparrow
Replies
I know how isolating it feels to not have the connection with other people that you would like to have. Sorry to hear about the restlessness, and powerlessness that you're feeling. I'm concerned about the toll this is taking on your health, distress and lack of sleep can be lethal. Have you thought about seeking out counseling and speaking to someone in person to help you? It would be helpful to keep this current distress your feeling from getting worse and putting you in worse shape health wise than you are now. Please continue to take care of yourself as best as you can and continue to reach out to others both here and in person. You are loved my Lady! Praying for you that you will be well and one day find a spiritual home.
Hello Ruthie,my friend. So sorry about all that your feeling and going through. Just odd about that dentist ! I think your instincts about situations like these are spot on. I am glad that you got your bridge and that this dentist isn't going to be your dentist anymore. I think your feelings of fear/unease were your Good instincts.
I am not out in the world either much. I am working on it. For a lot of years,many in fact. So going out into the world/life I always come back and have to deal with not being able to go to sleep.
Life seems to be such a hectic pace.
Sorry about the church. I know what you mean. I too hope you will find a church or a place that you can connect with some someones. ♥
Give Rio and Annie a pat and a greenie Big soft HUG from me to you. ♥
Hello beautiful you. Now stop beating yourself up. Do you hear me all the way from the land down under ? First of all.Let the Rinky Dink Dentist go. Your bridge is in so that's a positive. His clinic was splayed out and a stressful experience for you I understand, but now it's over. Disassociate yourself from him. Let him go. You still made it through despite it all, and you have that bridge so it's all good. Don't worry about it anymore. Congratulate yourself for surviving it all and then let it go. It's not worth it.
I don't know how many times I've accidentally thrown important things in the trash...even money. I hope the card turns up somewhere but if it doesn't, remember it was given and received with love and that's the most important part of it. Accidents happen. Especially with our foggy brains.
Forgive me for chuckling when you called yourself a church orphan. It's not funny and I gave myself a slap. You will always be God's child and never an orphan. You know that. I do understand your feelings of isolation and your need to have that close spiritual and social connection . When it's not achieved on a regular basis, the relationships can naturally feel strained or somewhat impersonal. You feel like the newbie when you finally do make it there. Maybe it's not the right church for you. I'm not sure. The Lutheran Church is too far away though. So keep trying for a while with this one. Don't give up on it. It is God's church so you belong there just as much as anybody and if you only make it once on a blue moon, that's fine. Your love and devotion to God is not measured by your physical attendance, it's your desire to love and serve him. Of course I understand the need for group Bible studies. It's more uniting, more fun, feeling a part of, and easier to focus in a group environment. However the ultimate goal is to develop your love of God. Acceptance of your own personal physical limitations is vital. You are doing your best Ruthie. You keep so much together all by yourself. You are doing a grand job of it. Truly you are. I just don't know how you manage so many things when you are so sick. Take a moment to think about that.
Then on top of all that maintenance, you still find time for us.
You just need a few good close friends in your life. Face to face cuppa tea huggy ones. Friends who love you always..on the good days and the hard days. I need that too Ruthie. The only reason we don't have a great social life is because we are SICK. No other reason.
OK going now. Love you Ruthie.
I don't think you've overshared at all. I feel that I know you better for all you have been willing to share with us - I am not very good at sharing about myself in a journal - but you always open up doors of conversation in response to what you write about yourself and about your life. I think dentists are stressful to begin with - and yours sounds especially stressful. I had a safe, but unpleasant few visits with a new dentist. Every time I see his name on my calendar or the bill he sent me for additional charges because I took longer than he expected, I feel like crying. He's very competent, and his hygienist is wonderful, but his lack of communication and his "know it all" attitude really bother me. Really, really bother me. My daughter was willing to go in and advocate for me, but I'm too passive for that. I spent most of yesterday afternoon emailing friends and family asking for recommendations for a new dentist - and checking them out online. There are usually enough dentists around for me to be choosy. So, see, I haven't journaled about my ongoing issues with my dentist, but by you sharing about yours, I am able to open up! It's like I'm piggy backing on to your journal. LOL. I'm a church orphan too. It's sad. But, Di is right, we are not orphans in God's eyes. I hope some day we both find a good fit for a church. Love and hugs, ELLE
We all need a church. And the family therein. God says we should not forsake the assembling of believers. Jeepers! I'm asleep during my church time on Sundays! I really struggle to keep connected with my church. This illness restricts us in so many ways. Sometimes it's hard to understand how we're supposed to survive in this world. Keep seeking light and peace, Sparrow!
Big huggums!
We all drift out. Extra hard situations like your dentist problem makes us more prone to drift, in my opinion. Medical professionals have a tendency to blow us off. But we're here with ya! Maybe not in body, but we are here in spirit.