Dreary reality...
So I get to work today to find that he's wearing new clothes to go with his new hair, his new personality and his flat-chested, boy-shaped, two-faced tramp. The part that shook me is that they're not the sort of thing he used to wear, they're more adult, tasteful. The sort of thing that I'd suggested he buy when we were out shopping and that he'd always refused to consider. (Though the black nail polish is rather a...jarring note. :/ )
And seeing him like that just made me feel weary and disillusioned. Another nail in the coffin. It's hurtful seeing him doing things that I'd encouraged and he'd always refused to even consider. How did it suddenly become a good and desired thing to do, to be, when it wasn't before with me? It's not like it's her 'style' either, she's all thrift store/goth wannabe.
It's like every day he becomes more a stranger. Not even 'somebody that I used to know'. More someone that I feel like I never knew. But then I hear him speak and it's even more jarring because the voice is the same and old memories cascade over me with their drowning sweetness. And they really do feel old... like from another lifetime. Or maybe only a dream. A dream of a lifetime. And just thinking that has silent tears rolling one by one down my face.
I've commented before that I've only ever had dreary reality to deal with in all of this. There was never hope. There was never a chance to work on anything. To try to fight for my marriage. There was only the abrupt gut-stab of agony from those four little words that ended everything and re-made reality. The reality that suddenly I was nothing to him. The reality that suddenly someone else was everything to him. Reality was suddenly empty, echoing pain pain pain.
Reality has been a long, slow, painfully slow climb back up out of darkness. Where sometimes I lose my grip and slide back down. And sometimes there's a random beam of sunlight that flickers into momentary existence (several of you have been that flicker of sunlight). Or a twinkling, just out of reach, quirky, snarky star that shows a possible path to the future. (You know who you are, or you should based on that description! ;) )
For some reason this song has been haunting me tonight...
Once there was a way,To get back homeward. Once there was a wayTo get back home. Sleep, pretty darling, Do not cry And I will sing a lullaby. Golden slumbers, fill your eyes Smiles await you when you rise Sleep pretty darling Do not cry And I will sing a lullaby...
And seeing him like that just made me feel weary and disillusioned. Another nail in the coffin. It's hurtful seeing him doing things that I'd encouraged and he'd always refused to even consider. How did it suddenly become a good and desired thing to do, to be, when it wasn't before with me? It's not like it's her 'style' either, she's all thrift store/goth wannabe.
It's like every day he becomes more a stranger. Not even 'somebody that I used to know'. More someone that I feel like I never knew. But then I hear him speak and it's even more jarring because the voice is the same and old memories cascade over me with their drowning sweetness. And they really do feel old... like from another lifetime. Or maybe only a dream. A dream of a lifetime. And just thinking that has silent tears rolling one by one down my face.
I've commented before that I've only ever had dreary reality to deal with in all of this. There was never hope. There was never a chance to work on anything. To try to fight for my marriage. There was only the abrupt gut-stab of agony from those four little words that ended everything and re-made reality. The reality that suddenly I was nothing to him. The reality that suddenly someone else was everything to him. Reality was suddenly empty, echoing pain pain pain.
Reality has been a long, slow, painfully slow climb back up out of darkness. Where sometimes I lose my grip and slide back down. And sometimes there's a random beam of sunlight that flickers into momentary existence (several of you have been that flicker of sunlight). Or a twinkling, just out of reach, quirky, snarky star that shows a possible path to the future. (You know who you are, or you should based on that description! ;) )
For some reason this song has been haunting me tonight...
Once there was a way,To get back homeward. Once there was a wayTo get back home. Sleep, pretty darling, Do not cry And I will sing a lullaby. Golden slumbers, fill your eyes Smiles await you when you rise Sleep pretty darling Do not cry And I will sing a lullaby...
Replies
Is there a way you could start working on your resume and seek employment elsewhere so you don\'t have to constantly open the wound everyday by seeing them both at work? I would imagine it would be difficult, if not almost impossible, to heal from the pain if you are constantly having to look at it every day. Just an idea.
xoxo
All the things you say about her (whore, etc.) are true about him too.
xoxo
you said tramp, not whore - sorry. He\'s a tramp too. I remember I used to badmouth the girl my ex was with - and put him in a good light - wondering why he changed, etc. then I realized he was just as bad, if not worse, than she was. Its early. These are just my thoughts.
xoxo
At the moment I\'m staying there because I\'m not sure if I\'m going to be staying in California or moving back to Texas once the divorce goes through. I have a 401k and really good health insurance there, and switching jobs would mean going without for 6 months. So I just felt it was simpler to stay for now, plus not have the resume with a short term job on it.
Oh, I call her lots of things. ;) Most of them unprintable. But I\'ve also been starting to call him various things too as my resentment has been starting to shade into anger. At least it\'s far enough out now that his relatives have stopped contacting me asking what the heck is going on since *he* can\'t be bothered to actually talk to any of them. :p