Dreams of Horses and stuff

I feel like I can't keep going. I go through cycles and it is tiring. I was fine, even good, for a few weeks then slowly I slide downhill. I am angry, sad, frustrated and other things that I don't even have words for. I have a feeling of wanting or needing something but I don't know what that something is. I have beautiful and sad dreams and I look forward to those dreams. I don't remember them very well and they are not happy but the sleep is good.
I dream of a huge mostly white horse (she has some butterscotch spots but mostly white) wearing a blanket. She walks the perimeter of a tiny village. She guards or watches. I don't know what she guards but I know it is her job to keep watch. I sense she is old and tired but very faithful and she keeps walking through the snow. Sometimes I walk with her. Sometimes I am her and she is me. Sometimes I take her reins and we walk together. It is sad but comforting.
I am crying and feel "lost" sometimes, like now, I spiral so far down I can't even identify what I am feeling. I am crying but I don't know why.
I want to completely break. I want to let all my inner voices talk and scream. I want to not make sense. I just want to let everything out no matter how inappropriate or childish. I want that old horse to take care of me.