Dream

Last Night I had a very Odd dream about my ex that made me feel conflicted.

I know I am beyond angry at my ex.  But last night, the dream I had makes me feel guilty of that anger.  I am a Christian.  I strongly believe in God and in his son, my Lord and savior Jesus Christ.  I grew up Christian, and after my break up, I found my way back to my faith again.  But one part I am still having difficulty with is loving my enemy and learning to forgive.   I am usually quick to forigve people and not let things get under my skin.  That's one of the main things people like about me. But now.... I absolutely hate my ex.  

I have prayed to God to forgive me and to give me time.  I still pray for my ex even though I hate him.  I pray to God to also help me heal and to help me forgive him.  But it is not working.  Maybe it is too soon I thought...

Last night I dreamed that I was at a church (not one I have ever been to).  My ex came to the church to (I guess to try and talk to me?  Although he would NEVER step foot in a church in real life!).  During a performance, I guess the church had some people do an artistic performance after the sermon, he kept making comments about the performances.  I remember thinking, "That's typical of him.  He's so critical of everyone all the time, but he could never do anything close to what these people are doing. All talk..." When service ended I remember he tried approaching me in the dream, but I am still so angry at him, I literally walked away from in front of a huge group of people.  I remember he was saying he was no longer with his current girlfriend, the girl 12 younger than me that he replaced me with, and thinking along the lines of, seriously you think that's a reason I would talk to you?

As I went out to the parking lot, someone at work caught me and talked to me.  We talked briefly, but I saw my ex was coming.  I told my collegue I had to go.  I started walking to my car, stopped, turned around and walked up to my ex.  He was caught off gaurd, and in front of him and his friend he followed to church, I told my ex, I could never forgive him.  I woke up. 

Has hate filled my heart so much, that even in a church setting, I cannot forgive him?  OR am I trying too hard to soon?  Over time, I know I will heal. I have actually healed a lot, I believe... Or is this a result of finding out my brother and him still keep in touch?

I told my brother he can be friends with my ex if he wants.  Just do NOT tell me anything it.  I want my ex out of MY life.  But my brother has been talking big about how my ex messages him and how he doesn't really respond.  Like my brother has solidarity with me or something.  It felt and sounded false.  SO I looked up our cell phone bill. Not only has my brother and him been messaging each other.  My brother has been the one to instigate the conversations.... yes conversations.  It wasn't a rare occurance, they have multiple texts back and forth on a single day. Granted I still have not told my brother why I hate him, or that we even dated, but why lie about it to me?  I told him not to talk to me abt my ex.  Instead he's outright lying to me about how loyal he is to his "kid" sister and his solidarity? 

I haven't talked about it with my brother.  I'm just hurt and disappointed.  Maybe this has what caused me to dream up my ex?  Or is just my guilty feeling to God?  Whatever the case, I need to move on.  Maybe dwelling on my hate will stunt my personal growth.  I will deal with forgivness later on.  I will put the proverbial "pin on it" for now.