Dreading Easter
I have had this sickening feeling of dread for the last week or so... I finally realized it had everything to do with Easter.
My family is Roman Catholic, although I identify myself as spiritual. Holidays are a big deal in my family. It is when you forgive people, let things go and be close to the people that you love. This has rarely been what actually happens in my family, and perhaps that is the reason why actually behaving that way means so much to me.
This will be the first holiday where I will not acknowlede my ex in any way. It makes me feel lower than him. As if I am not being the bigger person. It feels as if he is winning control over my character, and I resent the hell out of him for treating me so poorly that I can not be who I am. I know that wishing him happy easter would be a mistake. He is trying t
o hoover me right now, and besides even if he wasn't he would probably send me some fake nice message, like: "Happy Easter. Must be nice to be with the family. Country club? We are going over to my sister's, off to walk the dog now. Hope you have fun!"
Almost sounds nice, right? Except the entire statement is a dig at me. He hates that my family has money (his parents live in a trailer park, not that I ever cared... or even ever thought about it until he brought it up... All 100Million times), and he thinks i am a brat for wanting to stay at home for dinner instead.
I am always a spoiled brat in his mind...
Nevermind that he knows i put myself through school on scholarships i EARNED, that i started a company from scratch when I was 21 and worked 100 hr weeks and still went to school full time. Nevermind that i starved to pay my telephone bill, nevermind that i fought for an earned everything i have. And so have my parents. Yes, my parents were abusive, but they were first generation immigrants. They came here with nothing and worked their asses off, so what if they want to go to the Country Club! It is their hard earned choice and privilege.
My father has 3 degrees, denestry, mba and finally his law degree... And my mom not only practices medicine but went back to school at 58 to get her phd... While she had cancer!!! Yes, my family has money i want to scream at him- because they worked their asses off!!!!
I am so sick of his attitude about my success, my wealth. and you wanna know what? I worked hard for it! while he was out smoking weed, i was building an successful business! yes it is solely my own and not as big as it once was but that is because i realized i didn't have to prove anything anymore. Bigger isn't always better. he knows this and still he stabs at me.
And I am sick about his ambiguous 'we' comments, just waiting long enough to see if I am bothered by it. A test. Fuck him. Fuck his tests. Shit. I want to
start drinking at dawn on Easter morning.
Just writing this down makes me realize the EXACT reasons why I cannot ever again talk to this man.
Fuuuuuuuckkkkkk!!!!!! (I guess I am more pissed that I thought I was)
I just had to get that out!!!
Oh and my new guy has not quite earned Easter Day privileges... And I am not sure he ever will. He is nice, kind and fun to be around, but he is self-centered. Not sure I am going to allow him around long enough to be exposed to my family. You have got to be a nice, cool, guy with a heart of gold. He is strictly in dating zone only...
I feel really slutty saying this, because I took intimacy with my ex soo seriously, but I think I may have to have sex with him soon. It has been a while and I am ready to explore. I want to do wild and crazy things outside of the bedroom too... I am just afraid once we start having sex we will stop exploring each other. Sex has a way of doing that to me, if I let it. I know I am good in bed, I just don't want to feel like each and every encounter is going to end in attempted sex. Sometimes I just want to be held and loved. Every now and then, I have just got mix it in with some fire and the kind of passion that exists outside of bedroom doors!!!! Woot! Woot!
Goodness Gracious! I don't know what got into me while I wrote this... It seems to a declaration of Independence from His Assholeness, that I no longer care what he thinks of me. That I deserve the right to be happy, to pursue my happiness, and to celebrate even for the silliest of causes!! That I reserve the right to go off on ill-conceived adventures at the drop of a hat, that the world is mine to explore and all of it's glories. I also claim the irrefutable right to create things of beauty that brings us more in touch with our own humanity.
Also to anyone who does end up reading this... This entry is the product of too many pent up thoughts, a shot of tequila and exhaustion. It is time to go to bed!!! :)
My family is Roman Catholic, although I identify myself as spiritual. Holidays are a big deal in my family. It is when you forgive people, let things go and be close to the people that you love. This has rarely been what actually happens in my family, and perhaps that is the reason why actually behaving that way means so much to me.
This will be the first holiday where I will not acknowlede my ex in any way. It makes me feel lower than him. As if I am not being the bigger person. It feels as if he is winning control over my character, and I resent the hell out of him for treating me so poorly that I can not be who I am. I know that wishing him happy easter would be a mistake. He is trying t
o hoover me right now, and besides even if he wasn't he would probably send me some fake nice message, like: "Happy Easter. Must be nice to be with the family. Country club? We are going over to my sister's, off to walk the dog now. Hope you have fun!"
Almost sounds nice, right? Except the entire statement is a dig at me. He hates that my family has money (his parents live in a trailer park, not that I ever cared... or even ever thought about it until he brought it up... All 100Million times), and he thinks i am a brat for wanting to stay at home for dinner instead.
I am always a spoiled brat in his mind...
Nevermind that he knows i put myself through school on scholarships i EARNED, that i started a company from scratch when I was 21 and worked 100 hr weeks and still went to school full time. Nevermind that i starved to pay my telephone bill, nevermind that i fought for an earned everything i have. And so have my parents. Yes, my parents were abusive, but they were first generation immigrants. They came here with nothing and worked their asses off, so what if they want to go to the Country Club! It is their hard earned choice and privilege.
My father has 3 degrees, denestry, mba and finally his law degree... And my mom not only practices medicine but went back to school at 58 to get her phd... While she had cancer!!! Yes, my family has money i want to scream at him- because they worked their asses off!!!!
I am so sick of his attitude about my success, my wealth. and you wanna know what? I worked hard for it! while he was out smoking weed, i was building an successful business! yes it is solely my own and not as big as it once was but that is because i realized i didn't have to prove anything anymore. Bigger isn't always better. he knows this and still he stabs at me.
And I am sick about his ambiguous 'we' comments, just waiting long enough to see if I am bothered by it. A test. Fuck him. Fuck his tests. Shit. I want to
start drinking at dawn on Easter morning.
Just writing this down makes me realize the EXACT reasons why I cannot ever again talk to this man.
Fuuuuuuuckkkkkk!!!!!! (I guess I am more pissed that I thought I was)
I just had to get that out!!!
Oh and my new guy has not quite earned Easter Day privileges... And I am not sure he ever will. He is nice, kind and fun to be around, but he is self-centered. Not sure I am going to allow him around long enough to be exposed to my family. You have got to be a nice, cool, guy with a heart of gold. He is strictly in dating zone only...
I feel really slutty saying this, because I took intimacy with my ex soo seriously, but I think I may have to have sex with him soon. It has been a while and I am ready to explore. I want to do wild and crazy things outside of the bedroom too... I am just afraid once we start having sex we will stop exploring each other. Sex has a way of doing that to me, if I let it. I know I am good in bed, I just don't want to feel like each and every encounter is going to end in attempted sex. Sometimes I just want to be held and loved. Every now and then, I have just got mix it in with some fire and the kind of passion that exists outside of bedroom doors!!!! Woot! Woot!
Goodness Gracious! I don't know what got into me while I wrote this... It seems to a declaration of Independence from His Assholeness, that I no longer care what he thinks of me. That I deserve the right to be happy, to pursue my happiness, and to celebrate even for the silliest of causes!! That I reserve the right to go off on ill-conceived adventures at the drop of a hat, that the world is mine to explore and all of it's glories. I also claim the irrefutable right to create things of beauty that brings us more in touch with our own humanity.
Also to anyone who does end up reading this... This entry is the product of too many pent up thoughts, a shot of tequila and exhaustion. It is time to go to bed!!! :)
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