Drama with Mom.... please help me
I am really upset right now. And right now it isn't even with me. I actually feel anger at my mother. I actually think this is a good thing, because usually in these situations I would cut myself or purge, but I haven't done that yet.
It is just really hard right now because I am very upset with my mother. She says horrible things, which she says she does without thinking. However, I still think she has some control over it. She says obviously mean things and then tells us we are misunderstanding her. She spent the past two days upset that we were sad because she said something stupid. It hurts and I am afraid of her so I hid in the basement. I know that sounds dumb but she scares me.
Wow. I am afraid of my own mother. I don't like my own mother. I am supposed to love her and I can't. She hurts and I can't do it. I want to cry but I can't. For the first time, I actually want to hurt her. Not something I would carry out, and nothing specific, but I want her to feel the pain that she caused and still causes me. How could she do this to her family? How could she do this to me? Why do I keep hurting myself because she hurts me?
Now she is not speaking to me because she overheard me talking to my dad about how she told me when I was 6 years old that my dad wasn't going to love me now that my sister was born. This was all true, and I wanted to ask about it but didn't know that she was near enough to listen. Normally, I would feel like I betrayed her but no, she betrayed me.
She hit me with a wooden spoon. She hit me with a rolled up yoga mat and when I sprained my thumb I had to tell kids at school that I did it while playing basketball. She blamed me for it because she said I shouldn't have put my hands up to defend myself. She faked her own death multiple times and I would try to wake her up and she would stay laying down until my dad made her get up. Then she would laugh at me for crying. She blamed me for her heart attacks and told me that she would die soon if I was bad. She told me never to tell anyone what went on in our house.
There is so much, but I can't right now. I don't feel safe anywhere. I just want to feel safe, protected, and cared for. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I feel so vulnerable, like a little child. And I don't know how to make this go away.
It is just really hard right now because I am very upset with my mother. She says horrible things, which she says she does without thinking. However, I still think she has some control over it. She says obviously mean things and then tells us we are misunderstanding her. She spent the past two days upset that we were sad because she said something stupid. It hurts and I am afraid of her so I hid in the basement. I know that sounds dumb but she scares me.
Wow. I am afraid of my own mother. I don't like my own mother. I am supposed to love her and I can't. She hurts and I can't do it. I want to cry but I can't. For the first time, I actually want to hurt her. Not something I would carry out, and nothing specific, but I want her to feel the pain that she caused and still causes me. How could she do this to her family? How could she do this to me? Why do I keep hurting myself because she hurts me?
Now she is not speaking to me because she overheard me talking to my dad about how she told me when I was 6 years old that my dad wasn't going to love me now that my sister was born. This was all true, and I wanted to ask about it but didn't know that she was near enough to listen. Normally, I would feel like I betrayed her but no, she betrayed me.
She hit me with a wooden spoon. She hit me with a rolled up yoga mat and when I sprained my thumb I had to tell kids at school that I did it while playing basketball. She blamed me for it because she said I shouldn't have put my hands up to defend myself. She faked her own death multiple times and I would try to wake her up and she would stay laying down until my dad made her get up. Then she would laugh at me for crying. She blamed me for her heart attacks and told me that she would die soon if I was bad. She told me never to tell anyone what went on in our house.
There is so much, but I can't right now. I don't feel safe anywhere. I just want to feel safe, protected, and cared for. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I feel so vulnerable, like a little child. And I don't know how to make this go away.
Replies
wow, it sounds like your mom needs help! She shouldn\'t treat you or your family that way. Congrats on not cutting your self. I know when i turned 18 yrs old. Right after i graduated I moved out of my parents house. I\'m here if you ever need someone to talk to.
Your mom sounds... sick. Maybe sociopathic even. I don\'t want to make judgments, and forgive me if this is off base but she sounds like she needs some help. This is clearly not your fault. Hang in there. :hugs:
She definately needs help and depending on the root of her obvious severe illness - the diagnosis should she ever try to get one - she may or may not get better. Mine didn\'t. In that case you need to learn to parent yourself. I know it sucks but you have to work with what is not what you wish was. The sooner you start to do this the less damage she will be able to do. Get a therapist and maybe look into a support group which a therapist should be able to help you do. Beware of trying to find others to fill the \'parent\' role for you. No one can \'make\' you happy. That comes from inside you. Having mentors is fine but don\'t expect to get everything - happiness, comfort, unconditional acceptance etc - from others. You need to be alright with yourself and by yourself first then others love, acceptance and approval are icing on the cake. Nice to have but you won\'t die without it because you love yourself and are good to yourself. You alone know best what you need. Others can only guess and will frequently guess wrong unless you tell them explicitly - that is if they don\'t just get tired of guessing and being wrong and go away. That\'s what kept happening to me. People were just not bargaining for getting an adult child when they thought they were getting a friend.
hey, I just want to say that my mum acts in a similar way to yours, although without the hitting. I feel the same way towards her at times. Like I want her to feel the pain she puts me through, and I have hurt myself because of her several times. If you want to talk I\'m here xxxx *hugs*
Oh my gosh!! \"I don\'t like my own mother. I am supposed to love her and I can\'t.\" I said like those exact words to my therapist last week!! And then yesterday I found out my mother\'s skin cancer may be back. Talk about mixed feelings!! I understand mama drama, trust me. If you ever need an ear i\'m here.
i can\'t hold u or anything like that, but i can be ur friend =)
i can\'t hold u or anything like that, but i can be ur friend =)
i can\'t hold u or anything like that, but i can be ur friend =)
It sounds to me like your mother has some real problems. There is nothing wrong with you and it is not your fault. I think you should try to stay away from her because she sounds very triggering. No one should have to deal with what you\'ve had to deal with. i send a million hugs and prayers your way!
if shes really that bad then you need to get out of there. your always goa have support here and im sure everyone woul like for you to message them if you need a person to talk to one on one. i think you should get out of there as soon as you possibly can. move into a friends house or somewhere you can be safe from the abuse. congrats on not cutting though. that takes real strength in a situation like that. youll always have support here so dont hesitate to use it. and your mom sounds like she might have some sever mental issues of her own. she shouldnt put it all on you like that but maybe if you can tell yourself its because your sick then youll be able to get through it til you can get away from it. idk if thatll help but its a suggestion