Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
I just read the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde book. To my surprise it seemed to me to be a rather simplistic piece of storytelling. But I recognized that it is a classic because it's based on an incredibly complex and timeless theme. The duality of human nature and what we choose to do with it.
I've long been aware of that duality, more so than most. All my life, its been so easy for people to connect to and accept my Dr Jekyll side. Who can resist the warm, charming, outgoing, incredibly bright version of me. I myself quite admire her and I'm comfortable in her skin.
But she's not the native Max. I created her a long time ago, because I needed to get away from who I was. Broken. Isolated. Incapable of fitting in because (as I was told) I had no inherent value.
It frustrates me that both sides of me are creations, one created by me, one created by people and circumstances outside of myself. I have a tough time determining which one God intended me to be.
It dawned on me a few years ago that my home is a perfect reflection of who I really am. Ordinary was not acceptable so in many ways it is beyond ordinary. And it couldn't be perfect, because I've never been perfect in fact have been frequently told that I am less than acceptable. So it had to have some wear to it, a few chips and dents and worn-in imperfections. And that had to be ok. My home is an incomplete mess not because I am lazy, or stupid but because subconsciously it is an expression of who I am inside. Unfinished, in some ways unsightly. If one cares enough to look closely the beauty is obvious but it needs a lot of tender loving care.
I know the people closest to me have difficulty accepting the concept of bipolar disorder and now CFS. Both really mean crazy, and crazy doesn't fit into the perfect little worlds that we like to create for ourselves. So they pull away and think if she would just try a little harder, stop making such illogical decisions, stop thinking so much (and lose a bit of weight) she would be just fine.
Truth is I've never been fine. Not ever, for as long as I can remember. I just hid it behind the drive and the accomplishments, the humor and the charm. But more and more I've had the desire to live true to who I am. So my home is a mess, my relationships are a mess, my finances are a mess.. because my head is a mess. And I could not run from it, it came through in perfectionism and continual frustration, easily provoked anger, in intolerance and arrogance, in fits of temper and temperamental rages.
It came through in crippling bouts of depression and the desire to take my own life that I have lived with for over 20 years. And it came through in CFS.
I feel like the people in my (RW) life have never been able to support me because they have never taken the time to truly know me. I know some have tried to reach out a hand to Dr Jekyll but they truly cannot fathom what to do with Mr Hyde. And my Jekyll side doesn't really need people, it is my Hyde side that has such a desperate desire to connect in a deep and meaningful way and the absolute inability to do so.
My Hyde never wanted to hurt anyone, never wanted to be unkind but she has been, inadvertently. She has alienated people, pushed them away or lost them even while she was trying desperately to save them. She can observe, rationally and analyze in excruciating detail the dynamics of human connection. She can even replicate some of the steps but deep down there is a huge void between caring about people and being able to truly connect to them. And the irony of mental illness is 'it is practically impossible to fight it alone'. So the thing I need most to help me through my journey, is the thing I am least able to tap into.
My Dr Jekyll is so filled with hope, with compassion, with joy, with big BIG dreams and such a huge desire to help people in meaningful ways. The brightness of my Dr Jekyll often intensifies the despair of my Mr Hyde. I often wish I could be just one or the other.
If you read the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, you will see it gets to the point where the chemical cocktail did not work anymore and Dr Jekyll lost his ability to control Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde came out without notice, he remained in control for longer periods and Dr Jekyll could not put Hyde away when he wanted to. Hyde took over and wreaked havoc in Dr Jekyll's life.
CFS for me is that final phase. Hyde is in control and Dr Jekyll is heartbroken, trying desperately to find a way to make things right. Ironically, in the book suicide turned out to be the final solution.
So my dear friends I submit this question for your consideration : Is CFS simply your Mr Hyde trying to gain recognition and the freedom to simply be who you truly are?
I've long been aware of that duality, more so than most. All my life, its been so easy for people to connect to and accept my Dr Jekyll side. Who can resist the warm, charming, outgoing, incredibly bright version of me. I myself quite admire her and I'm comfortable in her skin.
But she's not the native Max. I created her a long time ago, because I needed to get away from who I was. Broken. Isolated. Incapable of fitting in because (as I was told) I had no inherent value.
It frustrates me that both sides of me are creations, one created by me, one created by people and circumstances outside of myself. I have a tough time determining which one God intended me to be.
It dawned on me a few years ago that my home is a perfect reflection of who I really am. Ordinary was not acceptable so in many ways it is beyond ordinary. And it couldn't be perfect, because I've never been perfect in fact have been frequently told that I am less than acceptable. So it had to have some wear to it, a few chips and dents and worn-in imperfections. And that had to be ok. My home is an incomplete mess not because I am lazy, or stupid but because subconsciously it is an expression of who I am inside. Unfinished, in some ways unsightly. If one cares enough to look closely the beauty is obvious but it needs a lot of tender loving care.
I know the people closest to me have difficulty accepting the concept of bipolar disorder and now CFS. Both really mean crazy, and crazy doesn't fit into the perfect little worlds that we like to create for ourselves. So they pull away and think if she would just try a little harder, stop making such illogical decisions, stop thinking so much (and lose a bit of weight) she would be just fine.
Truth is I've never been fine. Not ever, for as long as I can remember. I just hid it behind the drive and the accomplishments, the humor and the charm. But more and more I've had the desire to live true to who I am. So my home is a mess, my relationships are a mess, my finances are a mess.. because my head is a mess. And I could not run from it, it came through in perfectionism and continual frustration, easily provoked anger, in intolerance and arrogance, in fits of temper and temperamental rages.
It came through in crippling bouts of depression and the desire to take my own life that I have lived with for over 20 years. And it came through in CFS.
I feel like the people in my (RW) life have never been able to support me because they have never taken the time to truly know me. I know some have tried to reach out a hand to Dr Jekyll but they truly cannot fathom what to do with Mr Hyde. And my Jekyll side doesn't really need people, it is my Hyde side that has such a desperate desire to connect in a deep and meaningful way and the absolute inability to do so.
My Hyde never wanted to hurt anyone, never wanted to be unkind but she has been, inadvertently. She has alienated people, pushed them away or lost them even while she was trying desperately to save them. She can observe, rationally and analyze in excruciating detail the dynamics of human connection. She can even replicate some of the steps but deep down there is a huge void between caring about people and being able to truly connect to them. And the irony of mental illness is 'it is practically impossible to fight it alone'. So the thing I need most to help me through my journey, is the thing I am least able to tap into.
My Dr Jekyll is so filled with hope, with compassion, with joy, with big BIG dreams and such a huge desire to help people in meaningful ways. The brightness of my Dr Jekyll often intensifies the despair of my Mr Hyde. I often wish I could be just one or the other.
If you read the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, you will see it gets to the point where the chemical cocktail did not work anymore and Dr Jekyll lost his ability to control Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde came out without notice, he remained in control for longer periods and Dr Jekyll could not put Hyde away when he wanted to. Hyde took over and wreaked havoc in Dr Jekyll's life.
CFS for me is that final phase. Hyde is in control and Dr Jekyll is heartbroken, trying desperately to find a way to make things right. Ironically, in the book suicide turned out to be the final solution.
So my dear friends I submit this question for your consideration : Is CFS simply your Mr Hyde trying to gain recognition and the freedom to simply be who you truly are?
Replies
Hey, Max. This is really deep. I think it was a God thing that you read the book at this moment. You make connections so well and I think it\'s good that you are contemplating all of this. I can\'t say for sure, but my guess is that both your Dr. Jekyll and your Mr. Hyde are false selves, or at least, not complete selves. I hesitate to say \"false\" self because even our \"false\" selves have some level of basis in our true self. It\'s just that the false self is a little bit of a twisted version of who we really are. I think you are bright and compassionate and capable, but you are also in need and want to be able to be real. You have mentioned feeling far from God. I have found that the more I know my true self, the closer I feel to God. God refuses to engage with anything less than who we really are. The masks are off, so to speak, when it comes to Him. Sit with it for a while and ask him to reveal who you were created to be. I imagine it\'s a bit of a mix of all the things you find inside. I\'m just so sorry that you have not had friends and family embrace you for you. I have only had it happen a few times, but those moments have transformed me. I can only think of 2 people that I can say have truly known me and loved me unconditionally. Were it not for them, I don\'t think I would know God the way I do. They revealed His heart to me and it changed me. I pray you will see the revelation of the very heart of God for you in the flesh. You are so deep and bright and beautiful. I wish I could tell you so in person. Much love.
Dearest Max.The truth is that you are neither of these personalities.They are born from association and reactions to material consiousness. You are truly eternal, spiritual consciousness ,with an original personality full of knowledge, bliss and eternality.When we are born and bound to this material body we qui kly identify with it and its surroundings.So we believe that is who we are.The real original you is perfect.Believe me Max, we all have different personalities that we use or become due to different environments or circumstances. It\'s a survival mechanism.When I am in front of tourists , I pretend to be well, despite feeling like I could faint on the ground.I behave in a bright smiling competent and confident manner.When I get into the car with Frank to go home , I am so painfully exhausted and lost in my illness, that I often sob all the way home and then collapse on the bed when I get there.I am going to come back to this journal a little later.xo
I\'m not a psychologist by any means...so this is just off the cuff as they say... I don\'t feel that there is really anyone who is NOT Jekyll and Hyde in some way.
Society almost insists upon it. We are who we are and then we are who we need to be to function in society. I think perhaps because we are alone a great deal more we push harder on our public personality and maybe it comes off as a bit much because we forget how to balance it all.
I avoid going out at all because I feel so incredibly awkward. If I post something on a tag sale site I will sometimes take it down and donate it instead because I just don\'t want to meet someone face to face to do business. I have been judged inferior by one person or another for most of my life. So much that now that there are few to do it, I do it to myself because that inferior feeling person has become my norm and to be otherwise feels unnatural. We have an illness that by nature has us creating our own little world. I am in a phase where I am being compulsive about having a project or two a week I just need to get done. It\'s a real feeling like I need to get everything in the house a place to be and get rid of those things that aren\'t really necessary any more. So far it feels positive but it could be my subconscious trying to be perfect again. I don\'t know. I know it\'s not OCD because the house is still pretty untidy...it\'s more like I need a purpose and since we aren\'t moving this year like we were the past few years now I\'ll clean out and clean up. Does that make me Jekyll at home, the driven cleaning machine; and Hyde in public, the fearful fat lady with downcast eyes? I don\'t know. I think maybe it just doesn\'t matter if your house is fixed up unless you plan to sell it and even then in the long run it doesn\'t matter because it will cost you as much to fix it as you will lose in the sale if you do not (believe me! Been there, done that). So if you do decide to go back, maybe see it as just your home, not as a failure in any way. To sum it up I think we all have multiple personalities in some way or another... I\'m sorry you feel unhappy at your sisters house. I wish you could stay and apply for citizenship and take advantage of the medical here...
Back again girlfriend.I just wanted to say, don\'t beat yourself up .We all tend to analyze ourselves and judge ourselves too much. You have done your best through your life Max and you are still doing your best right now .We all make mistakes and all have regrets . That\'s part of being imperfect human beings.No one escapes that one. I know your material situation right now is so very insecure and of course also frightening.You do need money and a roof over your head.However, please don\'t see yourself as a failure.The fact of the matter is , you are physically sick . Don\'t complicate your losses too much.Your body is sick.That is why you struggled to care for your son.That is the reason you are unemployed.You are physically sick . Don\'t question your own self worth .You are fine just the way you are.Actually you are far more together than you realize and give yourself credit for..Don\'t see your material situation as a reflection of yourself.Just try to accept the reality of it.You haven\'t failed.You just have a sick body and that has bummed things out. I was hoping that your sister would lay some money on you and just give you some breathing space . I\'m sure you have looked at all your financial options.How many rooms do you have in your house that you could possibly rent out? Or is that unrealistic?. Whatever the outcome Max, you have to survive.It may be heartbreaking if you lose your home but the priority is to stay alive and survive any way you can.There will be a way.Maybe not what you had intended, but there will be a way.You are an intelligent and gifted woman.See that wealth.Value it . You are my Jamaican sister warrior . Don\'t give up the fight. I am blessed to have you in my life.Love and strength.Di xoxoxo
I have read this journal three times and still haven\'t grasped it all. I mean I see what you\'re writing, but need to have more neurons firing to answer you properly. This is a very serious, introspective journal, Max. I am so amazed that you were able to verbalize so well, what you are feeling. What an awesome comparison...Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde.
I need to read it again. Goodness. I wish I could just come hug you! xo