down in the well....

after a week of beeping death crud, it finally turned worse. 

as this body's inhabitant that didn't seem possible and yet those possibilities remain very distinctly open to us all. 

sorry, off the soapbox and onto solid ground......as in just the facts ma'am......just the facts.

doc richard said it was both sinusitis and bronchitis......so i got a shot in the hip before leaving the office.  a cortisone shot.

this served to keep me up all night wired and sad......but it also served to restore some of my appetite.

am taking a blue antibiotic for the next ten days plus a prednisone pack for six days.

working on restoring lots of things......voice, knocking out the cough, drying up the nose........relieving the sinus pressure.

trying to remain still and quiet, to not wake up the coughing beast.......and hoping via prayer that tonight will bring some deeper better sleep.  PRAYING being a key word in this girls working dictionary.......

it's not fun, it's not sexy, but it's ongoing.  laying low.  one thing to mention.  i did a semi questionable thing......here is my confession.

there was a cosmopolitan magazing in the waiting room.  i glanced through it --- not really landing on anything.  but then i saw a titillating title about sex tips by their sexperts from around the globe.  my life is pretty dull so even though i am a little red faced to make this confession i stopped and read a little of this article..........it made my hair stand up on end.

i know this magazine has put a lot of sexual titles on their cover over the years.......and had a lot of very silly, very stupid surveys that probably did more damage for relationships than anyone could ever put a real statistical number on.......but this article was graphic.  it had very specific instructions for sexual things that i never even heard of until i was in my mid twenties.

and even then.........it still managed to shock the heck out of me.  i'm not talking regular stuff in the bedroom, or maybe i am only knowledgeable in fairly normal sexual practices between two consenting adults......but jeez a lou, look i am not a prude.  i was a serial dater, married more than once........proposed to seven or eight times........and used to be a long legged tall blond with 36-24-36 inch proportions back in the day......LOL......maybe it's silly to talk about this at my ancient age of 60......but i used to be a hottie......and a hot mom........but i was also a lady (and what i looked like was luck of good genes from the hot parents after all, nothing i did!!!) ......so what was i talking about???? well, this article embarrassed and upset me to the core. 

at first i thought about taking the offending magazine to the sweet receptionist.  but then i thought nah, why ruin her day?  she filled out the patient info for me when i wobbled in and laid my head down on her desk...wiped out from the drive, walking in......living still.  after days of torture.......i know this story is gonna need a full on philharmonic orchestra not just a violin, i was dealing with rough sick on top of too many days of it on top of the stuff that is wrong with us chronically.  i wanted to be put down, put to sleep like a good and faithful old dog.......let me outta my misery or shut the hell up kind of mentality.

but about this article/magazine.  i got up, took the magazine into the ladies room and threw it into the trash.  this is a family practice, maybe they, like me weren't aware that it contained information as graphic as that........i know it shocked me.  yes, it was something i know of, but the knowing wasn't enough for this magazine.  it also contained specific tricks and names of what this sexual act is called in different parts of the world......and they have tiny little headshots of more than 18 women in their different "sexpert" offices around the world.  i felt shame for what we are becoming/what we are now as a society...........for not having mystery and love mixed in with this rampant oversexualization of our children.  they won't always know enough self esteem to keep themselves in tact emotionally.......

i pray that someone will be there for these young people, teach them how wonderful it is to have that first slow dance with someone you like.......when they take your hand.....that tentative first time they put their hand around  your waist........the slightly nervous laughter shared between two kids who are learning about attraction and like......that may lead to the love of their lives.  not this thing, this thing i saw in this magazine in this FAMILY practice.  where young kids, old folks, you know.....family members of all ages could have read......i know i am rambling forgive me.......but it really struck a chord of horror in me. 

this world needs more love sweet love.....not this physically blunt put it all out there all the time.....hike up your skirts and be one second shy of hooker town.  i still remember my daughter's outlook back when......she was about twelve or thirteen.  we were at a downtown event in Atlanta.  there were girls her age and a bit older wearing skirts that left nothing to the imagination, blouses cut down to there......and stillettoes.  they looked like painted children on teetering ladders of a falsehood........this was not an achievement of adulthood.....but some skewed painful phase that has nothing to do with our best selves as people, as women, as lovers.....as human beans.  my daughter wanted to cover them up, talk to them......she couldn't understand why they didn't see how they looked and why they felt the need to look like that......she said it was dangerous nonsense and didn't they have anyone to love them? to teach them about how to present themselves to each other......to the world?  didn't they have any self love or self respect? she was very very upset and very smart.......

we need to teach our young people about romance, about developing a kind of love that deepens and grows up along beside another....the kind that teaches us all that the best is yet to be.

the end. bedtime. sorry for overranting and i'm sure i should have read this over and cut 94% of it out, but i feel better getting it off my chest.  i'm glad i trashed the trash........and hope you won't think me a magazine police narc or anything.......it made me so sick and sad for us all.  the thought of some sweet kid walking into that office and reading that made me sick to my stomach......so i tossed it ......it's only one magazine and there is a lot that needs to be done.........

but i really do believe we can do better and we can be better by raising the standards, by being a guide to our children, our grandchildren, the kids we meet in our community and at church.  ........ok, i said i was going.  i had chinese soup and jello.  coughed up a lung and wrote this journal......the stack of mail is freaking me out some, but maybe over the week end.....i can make sense of it and relieve that worry.....as in keeping bills up to date, you know regular adult responsible stuff we all gots to do.

please pray for my children's stepmother.  she had a double mastectomy on monday....and they also did reconstructive surgery.  she gets out of the hospital today or tomorrow.....she has a long recovery ahead.....and we don't know if she'll be going through radiation or chemo or what as yet..........but let's pray for her.  she is a tiny skinny little thing and it can't and won't be easy on her.  thank  you!