down, down, down

Last week I was telling people that "it hadn't really hit me yet"--past experience with depression has taught me that there will be big waves where I just feel like I'm going to be sucked under. I've been there the past few days. The ache in my heart, the sleeplessness, the horrible loneliness, even when I'm not alone. The 1,000 times a day I think "I need to tell Leslie this" or "Leslie would get a kick out of that" and remember again that she's gone--gone someplace beyond my earthly grasp. 

Yesterday I went back to work. Or tried to. I work from home full time--both a blessing and a curse. Yesterday morning I just couldn't leave my bed. Couldn't stop crying. Told my boss (who's been wonderful through all this) that I would try and be online that afternoon. I did get online, I did some work. Got some comforting and supportive emails from a few co-workers. Then about 3 hrs after starting work my internet went down.

Leslie's best friend/roommate Buck (better known outside my family as Heather) works tech support for my internet provider. Hoping upon hope, I called--and the woman who answered the phone identified herself as "Heather". "Buck?" I asked. "Mom? Mom is that you?" came the excited reply. It did take a little while to get around the real reason for my call--there was a lot of how are you? I miss you--we made dinner plans for that night. After her efforts from her end failed, Buck was able to get me squeezed into the service schedule for the next day. 

We did meet for dinner--lots of hugging, lots of I love yous. About our good days, our bad days. Ways we're trying to move on--I'm literally moving, Buck ordered a table and chairs for the apartment. How is Callie (Les' cat--staying with Buck). We touched on the subject of Leslie's "things". Not sure either of us is ready for that, but we do know it needs to be done. Buck's told me that anytime I want to come and go through things I was more than welcome. I might go this weekend (Buck is working) and get back to doing some of it. I know there is at least one painting my mother did that Leslie has--I do want to recover that. It was good to see her. It was good for both of us. It was good that she calls me mom. We agreed we need to be more proactive about keeping in touch.

Today the internet tech knocked on my door and told me "everything should be working now". I checked--everything was working. He told me that during an install in my building yesterday my circuit had accidentally been shorted out. He called it a "freak accident". Or maybe Leslie knew Buck and I needed each other.  

Still super depressed, but need to hang on to those little things. Just writing about it made me feel better. Those things are what will get me through this.