Down, Down, Down
I haven't written in a while because I just don't have anything good to say. I want to write but I want something in my journal to be positive so it might help someone else and I just haven't been able to do it.
I saw a new mother's post, and please don't think badly about this, but my first thought, though I'd never have said it to her was, "Go ahead and commit suicide now and save yourself all the years of pain". I know how wrong that is, but it was my first thought and it was the way I honestly felt.
Misery, just misery...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I am hoping to hear that others are going through this too or have gone through it too.
Replies
Gina, I have been thinking about you and am grateful to hear from you. FMO is a place where we share our hearts and these hearts of ours feel all the emotions. You help by showing up and sharing no matter what is coming in.
The pain is ever present, yet just as you have shared before, it begins to loosen it's choke hold on life and allow some other feelings to co-exist with it. These really low and painful moments hopefully, in time, happen a little less frequently and we come up from them perhaps a little sooner than we have in the past. That is the best way that I can describe my eight plus years on this path and I know that you too have experienced this as you have shared about it.
Suffering in silence, staying away, these are thoughts of the mind, and not of the heart. The mind tries to convince us that there is a certain way we need to BE and that is crock of BS. Here on FMO, if we cannot, wear those war torn and also courageous hearts of ours on our sleeves then where can we???
YOU are not alone in anything that you describe and here's the thing too, Gina. Steve and you went through a major trauma and you are bound to be sorting through those events even if you are not always consciously aware, on a cellular level. You are still trying to understand as best as you can what happened, what could have happened and are trying to figure out new ways of living into this as individuals and as a couple. This takes a lot of energy and work so please give yourself a lot of nurturing and empathy around it.
I'm grateful you are here and I'm sorry you are here as I am for each of us. The language of grief, loss, and finding snippets of peace in the midst we must continue to speak to one another, because if we don't who will?? Thank you for BEing you! That is something I have grown to respect, admire and to count on with you.
With you and caring~
XO Joanie
Gina,
I am always glad to see a journal from you - I become concerned when you aren't here. So many ups and downs on this journey......I have been on many paths in my life (some by choice), BUT never a path such as this. Emotions come and go when least expected - there is no rhyme or reason - doesn't matter where I am or who I am with.....that is the most frustrating part to me. When my emotions are @ the highest and my pain is so acute, I feel so unstable, ready to just "end it all" and then those damn emotions change and I'm not as unstable, not wanting to "end it all", actually wanting to help others and it's in those times that I try to help.
Gina, in those moments when you can't help others, IT'S OKAY......that's why you are here - when you can't, another mom who is not @ the top with her pain, will say something that will help YOU. That is what is so amazing about these moms!!!
I agree with Joanie, you and Steve went through an incredible traumatic experience. While Steve was on the ventilator you were alone, wondering what was going to happen? I have found that any experience or event is magnified, and because of where I am with my grief, I am impacted twice as hard.. We feel more deeply, we know what loss REALLY feels like, we always have that hole in our heart that seems to deepen with a tragic event that you experienced with Steve - even though he has physically recovered. Emotionally recovery takes oh so long and it's hard work.......BE easy on yourself, sister!
Standing with you - keeping you close to my heart....Vicki
Gina - you are the reason I came back and messaged YOU! I always have you on my mind. I really wish we had a way to attach copies of positive photos or quotes etc. I have a bunch. I know you have heard this time and again but it really does take time. I still have days when I feel like you. They seem to pass more quickly now. I have found that the more I get out and get involved and engage with positive people the better I feel. Many days it is a struggle to get myself up and out but I make myself. Please try. Take a knitting or Crochet class - cooking class would be up my alley. Summer will return soon....brisk walks will get your brain functioning better. Please take care and stay healthy! {{{{HUGS}}}}} from South Dakota!
Dear Gina. I understand. I wish I could say that black hole will go. In my case, I don't fall into it as often, and I get out of it sooner. I can now tell myself that this too shall pass. Sometimes I am not sure I believe it, but it does.
You and Steve have been through hell. The other moms have some good advice. Take what you can and use what works for you. I need a purpose so have gotten involved in community activities.
Just know that you are not alone.
Love and tight hugs, M
Gina, we do what we can. I often fall silent because I do not have anything to share. But as others said, that's when other moms bring their support. Also as others have written, my hope is that while you will always have to live with this heartache, that other feelings will coexist. I liken it to living in parallel realities. Moments of joy while living the grief journey. Tight hugs and love to you, Steve and dear Cassi, Linda
Gina, we all understand your feelings as we have had them too. Knowing that we are in this together can help to give us the insight to take things one day or minute at a time. Hobbies or jobs or whatever you can sink yourself into will help. I love to clean and organize while trying to downsize too much stuff for the two of us now. I must say that I need to get on the bandwagon again as I constantly fall off on this accomplishments. Just keep trying. Sending you some peace on this journey. Hugs, Kathy
Gina,
Even when you do not have what you feel is inspirational to others, in fact you do.
I remember early in my grief and I was staying away as I was slipping back (I thought) and did not want to burden others with "my sad self"...(my negative self talk)...anyway, it was one of those times and I read a journal that was having a similar experience...it was a great moment for me...knowing that others were feeling and saying the same thing as me...that I was not tortured, twisted or crazy. It was then I responded to her journal just to let her know where I was at that moment...it lifted a weight off my heart and spirit. The ups, downs, spirals, and bogs that we get into are real and happen to all of us, and like Joanie stated, the times between them are getting greater, but I still slide into it...the comforting thing for me now, is that I know I will be ok, I will survive and carry on...always missing, but able to accept my humanity and allow myself to feel what I need to. Now I sometimes decide that it needs some attention...I find a quiet time and let it flow through me...many times I cry, sometimes I smile, and sometimes I laugh at a warm or funny memory. For so long all I felt was the empty pain, so I sure appreciate a good memory.
Gentle care, Gina
Love
AnnM
Gina
Life can suck, I don't know how to make it all better. Do not feel alone, we all are here. Some days I would wish this one lady would lose a child just to let her know what she says hurts Now that is cruel but I have those feelings. You are not the only one that thinks terrible thoughts. Find a good thing that will bring you out of the funk you are in.
Sending hugs
Penny
Gina, I can feel myself sinking into the abyss and I'm struggling like hell, you're not alone with those feelings, I have horrible thoughts too. When I'm awake during the early hours all the negative thoughts come in and it's a battle to hold them at bay. How I feel now is that I just want to scream and rant, I've kept it all in too long. Just starting to have the courage to write journals. Love and hugs to you, Sue