doubts, pain, and dreams

Its going to be a tough day. I woke up with dreams about my stbxh talking about his new girlfriend and I woke up with a start and just kept thinking about how everything ended and why would his ex girlfriend talk with him while he was married. I just want to ask her why she has to interfere. Why she couldn't just leave him alone and tell him that she didn't even want to be friends because of me. Damn it today is not good. I don't know what to believe and I don't understand why i have to go through this why am i being punished for being a good wife and person and being faithful and doing my best to take care of my husband and family, this is what i get to be alone and upset and hurt. I want to know, why me? I know everyone going through would like to know. But i just want to know what did i do to have so much loss in my life, don't i deserve to be happy and have the family I always dreamed of. This is just to hard. I want my life back, I want to be happy and not worry about who is lying to me now. I don't want the possibility of change and or getting back together to be a lie. I am so scared to go in either direction. I am afraid to move on cause maybe there is nothing out there for me and afraid of staying where i am cause it could all be a lie, and i am being played because he is scared too and i am just to familiar and know all about him and its tough for him to open to new people. I just need to decide what i want. The pain of missing him is too much today and I just think today is going to take all my will to get through.