double life
So I've come to the conclusion that I live a double life.
When Im at work or at school or at any social event ,I'm empty, I'm emotionless carefree,no problems at all , totally and completely professional like, i think only 2 know a little bit about me and thats just a little bit. and when i say little i mean next to none.
As for my second life its online people on this support site that know me and my personal life, And Victor my husband and a few on face book and of course my psyche doc and therapist who actully know me and everything that goes with it.
I'm guessing this double life thing goes along with the trust issues I have, Hell nobody even knows I self harmed yesterday nobody.I'm closed of from everybody because I dont need the pain anymore. That doesnt make me crazy it makes me smart,
I was horrified when i got out of the hospital because my boss would know I'm not normal i hate to use that word because I know there isnt such a thing , I was horrified when i had to have my doctor fill out a back to work form that had my diagnoses on it bipolar and PTSD , now Asim my boss knows ,now hes always asking me if I'm okay and all. It's like I want to tell him "FUck just leave me alone!"
now I got to wear long sleeves for about a week or I lose the personal life battle It would be scary if someone found out about me, my world would feel lie its crashing down if it happened anyway just a long drown out thought, thanx for reading and plz comment.
When Im at work or at school or at any social event ,I'm empty, I'm emotionless carefree,no problems at all , totally and completely professional like, i think only 2 know a little bit about me and thats just a little bit. and when i say little i mean next to none.
As for my second life its online people on this support site that know me and my personal life, And Victor my husband and a few on face book and of course my psyche doc and therapist who actully know me and everything that goes with it.
I'm guessing this double life thing goes along with the trust issues I have, Hell nobody even knows I self harmed yesterday nobody.I'm closed of from everybody because I dont need the pain anymore. That doesnt make me crazy it makes me smart,
I was horrified when i got out of the hospital because my boss would know I'm not normal i hate to use that word because I know there isnt such a thing , I was horrified when i had to have my doctor fill out a back to work form that had my diagnoses on it bipolar and PTSD , now Asim my boss knows ,now hes always asking me if I'm okay and all. It's like I want to tell him "FUck just leave me alone!"
now I got to wear long sleeves for about a week or I lose the personal life battle It would be scary if someone found out about me, my world would feel lie its crashing down if it happened anyway just a long drown out thought, thanx for reading and plz comment.
Replies
I know he feeling and have been there myself.However,you seem to be dealing with your issues well,socially.Its just the psyche resolution of all this that needs working upon.You haven\'t mentioned the therapist\'s area of specialisation here.I\'d suggest you go to a psychotherapist for your PTSD.
Just remember once we hit the bottom,nothing can get worse than that so we have nothing to lose.Then the journey upwards begins.Its gonna be tough but really beneficial at the end.
All the best!!!!Will pray for you.
I know where you\'re coming from (except that EVERYBODY knows I\'m Bipolar) but I work and I have to be professional and on top of my workload and that is such a bitch because, how can you when you feel like you just want to give up and die sometimes? It IS a secret, though, that I keep a knife in my desk and I shut my office door and cut away just because I need the relief. Nobody knows that. I have a sweater I wear a lot to cover the cuts and scars - I just say, \"I\'m cold\". But people do seem to be \"scared\" of me at times because they think at any moment I will kill myself or just go completely insane. And some people (ok ONE person here at the office) tells me it\'s all fake and I ought to just go ahead and do the deed. Fuck her. My boss is VERY understanding, THANK GOD, so she understands that when I get too panicky I can come to her and she helps me. I hope you are able to find a connection between your opposite worlds because, to me, that causes more problems. Oh, I\'m not even good at giving advice. I\'ve just written all about MYSELF! But I do understand you and I wish I knew more people here where I live that I could talk to who have Bipolar instead of only online people (not that I\'m not grateful for the online support). It just get\'s so lonely sometimes - very lonely.
Dear FAithtofly, I read your entry like you asked me too. Im so sorry your struggling. with my issues my boss knows too. she is very good to me though. I must be honest I have never cut before. I have friends and family who are close to me that struggles with it. I have other ways I have learned to cope. Not always good. keep hanging in there. dont give up on the therapy. Do you like your therapist? Do you feel like it\'s helping you? Feel free to let me know any time you need me ok? Annalee
i know the double life feeling.....and it sucks.....i know what its like to put on a happy face for thoes around you, so no one knows whats really going on....im sorry you are struggling with the revelation of your illness....but maybe its a good thing that your boss is always asking if your ok....it may mean he is worried about you as a person and not just an employee...that might make it easyer for you in the future if you need to take more time off....i hope its a good thing and again im sorry that you are struggling with it girly...call me and we can talk! ! !
Of all the comments I liked what singing had to say the best and agree w her. Until I came to accept that I had this disorder, I too struggled with it. Until I found out that is was my brilliance that made me so special so that is why it is so hard to accept the brain damage done to me when I was in the car wreck. But I am fortunate, it could of been worse. And your lucky, you could be worse, try if you can getting the book THE BIPOLAR HANDBOOK by Wes Burguess MD PHD, of THE BIPOLAR HANDBOOK FOR CHILDREN, TEENS AND CHILDREN by the same aurthor, it had re-educated me to a lot of degree\'s. And for that I am totally grateful. Acceptance is a really hard thing but can be so revolutionary. Let Go and Let God! That is what I have to do sometimes and it is hard but I am learning that the more I exercise doing it, the easier it becomes. I love you dearly and am always here for you if you need me. As for cutting, I could not do it until I was ready too, I loved all the transportation of my pain. So, it took every cut it took for me to work through it. I am fairly certain that you will one day soon come to accept that everthing is exactly the way it is suppose to be. I love you girl, and always here if you ever need me. I am still the same person I have always been, just a little older and a lot wiser for reading the books and hanging onto them. Lots of Love, Kacey Or Kase@DS
Of all the comments I liked what singing had to say the best and agree w her. Until I came to accept that I had this disorder, I too struggled with it. Until I found out that is was my brilliance that made me so special so that is why it is so hard to accept the brain damage done to me when I was in the car wreck. But I am fortunate, it could of been worse. And your lucky, you could be worse, try if you can getting the book THE BIPOLAR HANDBOOK by Wes Burguess MD PHD, of THE BIPOLAR HANDBOOK FOR CHILDREN, TEENS AND CHILDREN by the same aurthor, it had re-educated me to a lot of degree\'s. And for that I am totally grateful. Acceptance is a really hard thing but can be so revolutionary. Let Go and Let God! That is what I have to do sometimes and it is hard but I am learning that the more I exercise doing it, the easier it becomes. I love you dearly and am always here for you if you need me. As for cutting, I could not do it until I was ready too, I loved all the transportation of my pain. So, it took every cut it took for me to work through it. I am fairly certain that you will one day soon come to accept that everthing is exactly the way it is suppose to be. I love you girl, and always here if you ever need me. I am still the same person I have always been, just a little older and a lot wiser for reading the books and hanging onto them. Lots of Love, Kacey Or Kase@DS