Double Breakdown...from one song
Dear DS diary,
Are you sure there isn't a setting on the mood meter below "horrible"?
It's bad enough that I have no confidence in my ability to finish what I started (why should I have any confidence when the same problems feel more amplified and I can't talk about them live like I used to anymore? Most night when I log onto Skype neither of my contact friends are there.)
Then this song came on the radio today at work today, bringing out its associated monster, and now I just feel worse. Much worse. I turned the radio off, which drew no protests so I guess nobody missed it and/or were kind enough to let me leave before they turned it on again, but not before the damage was done. I had a breakdown in the bathroom and now I'm having a bigger breakdown at home. These breakdowns are coming more frequently than they have been over the last three months, and the way this is going it will not be a shock if before this day is over I have a third breakdown.
The offending song, if anybody cares to find out for themselves:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9nkKPPejQE
Are you sure there isn't a setting on the mood meter below "horrible"?
It's bad enough that I have no confidence in my ability to finish what I started (why should I have any confidence when the same problems feel more amplified and I can't talk about them live like I used to anymore? Most night when I log onto Skype neither of my contact friends are there.)
Then this song came on the radio today at work today, bringing out its associated monster, and now I just feel worse. Much worse. I turned the radio off, which drew no protests so I guess nobody missed it and/or were kind enough to let me leave before they turned it on again, but not before the damage was done. I had a breakdown in the bathroom and now I'm having a bigger breakdown at home. These breakdowns are coming more frequently than they have been over the last three months, and the way this is going it will not be a shock if before this day is over I have a third breakdown.
The offending song, if anybody cares to find out for themselves:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9nkKPPejQE
Replies
Well music can be a sensory trigger so if you associate something bad with a song then you will always be reminded of that bad thing when you hear it. Course, if you want to no longer allow the song to have that sort of effect on you, you could always try creating a happy moment then play the song and try attaching the happy moment to the song in your memory to replace whatever bad things it currently recalls. Or just try not to listen to the radio until the summer is over and you have less of a chance of happening to hear it if trying the replacement memory thing feels like it\'s too hard to tackle..
I admit to being a bad friend and am probably coming in on the second act here so I\'m a little lost as to what is causing you to breakdown so much - is it just a confidence thing? Is it due to your school stuff? Something else going on that I\'ve missed on? I would imagine the song was a trigger but not the overall cause...
Are you seeing a therapist David? If you are, then you need to bring this up to them and if you aren\'t, then maybe you should look into one or at least look into what services are offered at your school. It would at least provide you with an outlet to speak to someone live.
I know it probably doesn\'t mean much, but I have confidence in you that you can finish what you\'ve started. I\'m sure everyone else here will feel the same way. You are more than capable. Sometimes we let these little nagging insecurities get in our way and drag us down, but they can be defeated by just ignoring them like if someone was saying something to you that you didn\'t want to hear and you just stuck your fingers in your ears an shouted \"lalala\" at them in a sing-song way until they shut up. Don\'t let the nagging insecurities win and take away everything you\'ve worked so hard for. You are so close and deep down you must know you can accomplish that goal. For what it is worth, I have faith in you.
Hey Tess, just going to respond here if it\'s okay:
* In the case of \"Steal My Sunshine\" (which the link brought you to), that\'s going to be very difficult. It honestly would be better for me if I just never heard the song again, ever.
* The full issue is a bit of a mess...confidence is one problem, but getting myself to visit anybody unfamiliar is also a dog. It\'s not that I don\'t want to be around people, but I have experienced enough bad things that I am convinced people want to do nothing but hurt, and that feeling will not go away.
* That above problem is keeping me from seeing a therapist, plus I\'m convinced that if my alters come out (another story for another day) the gentlemen who wear the white coats will come and take me away. I don\'t need that, want that. I\'ve tried looking into counselors on campus but there are none.