Donated platelets today

I did it two times in a row, new record! The iron pills are helping, and so is the T I think. Between the two of them I am able to get my iron up and I'm able to donate. This time I made sure to eat enough before so I didn't feel like passing out. I watched Squid Game while I donated, 3 episodes. It was a bad day if I watched 3 episodes of Netflix. I realized on Halloween I was hiding from the memory of my ex and all they did to me, which is why I binge watched to escape. It's better than the other things I've done to escape, but I need to work on healthy coping mechanisms. I didn't even realize it was their birthday until I was doing my 10th step journal (a journal I write in year after year, 6 questions, 2 lines per question a year) and I looked back 2 years ago and I mentioned that it was their birthday. 

I just feel empty. I know I need to call out to my Higher Power to help me, but I'm scared. They have never let me down, but I am scared of the day they will. My mind likes to lie to me and tell me that since everyone has left me, then God is going to leave me too. God left Jesus on the cross, what makes me any different? I have a lot of trouble with organized religion, if you can't tell by that. I called the UU church and I'm supposed to go on this or next Sunday, whenever I feel better enough. I am really scared to be around people of faith again after being so hurt last time. The people in AA haven't hurt me, but the cult sure did. I know it's partially that it's this time of year I always feel this way, and if I'm not careful I'm going to end up back in the hospital. Things are a lot different this year, much different, but my mind is the same old mind with the same old demons. 

It's late. I'm going to do one person on my 4th step, feed the cat, and do the rest of my night stuff. I had to say do my 4th step because I need to be held accountable. Goodnight.