Don't touch me.

So it's been 3 weeks since I've let CS touch me even in passing...since I found out.
I decided last night I'd see what it was like to let him hug me. Just a quick small hug before bed. What a disaster. He hugged, I shrunk into myself and tried to shrug him off after a split second. I'm not sure how I felt when he was doing it. Pretty much just like I didn't want him to touch me I guess...but the deeper feelings are eluding me so I'm going to try and dig them out.
I know I felt anxious. Like there was something wrong with what was happening, something not right. It almost felt like I was cheating...that sounds weird. Like I shouldn't have been hugging this strange man. It was very uncomfortable.
I think in my mind I've decided to let him try and fix this although I certainly haven't told him that, I'm embarrassed to admit it. After all his lies, all his bullshit, I'm going to try and work it out with him? Makes me feel like a doormat. (I'm not saying I am staying, I'm just not going to run out the door right this second before trying counseling. Leaving is still not out of the question) I just don't feel ready to give up my dream of the life I wanted for my babies...for myself. I never wanted them to grow up like I did...feeling the way I did. Lucky him that my childhood was mildly traumatic.
Does he deserve a second chance? No. Do I owe it to myself and my boys to try? Maybe...
How will I ever let this filthy stranger touch me again though? How will I hold his hand knowing where it's been? How will I kiss him or have sex with him knowing he may be thinking of someone else...someone "spontaneous" and "dangerous". Unfortunately, as the mother of his children (3 y.o. and 4 m.o.), spontaneity and danger are pretty hard things to conjure up when you don't have an hour to yourself, even at night but we were still sexually active. Much more so than any other moms I know.
This is a too much information moment but the thought of ever performing oral on him again is especially disgusting. Yum...sloppy seconds anyone? Pig.
Sayonara sex life... 

Replies

thralkr
thralkr

I\'m on the same path as you...rebuilding. And I know what you mean. You want to make it work, but on the other hand the CS doesn\'t deserve it, and you don\'t want him to think that just because you\'re willing to try that it\'s all okay now. See if it\'s salvageable/make him pay. I know that mantra.