Don't Tell

I feel myself moving back into a depressive state. I don't want to tell my parents because they are going to push me, plus they are simply over it. I need to do better and be stronger. If I fall again my doctor thinks that ECT may be a good next step that might finalize things for me. I don't want ECT, I think that it is a stupid way out. I am so overwhelmingly nervous about school starting tomorrow. I think that it will be good for me... some more structure and stability to a life that seems to be moving like a rollercoaster. I don't want to and can't spend any more money. I keep getting these urges to return to the student government but I think that it might be more beneficial to me to work somewhere else... outside of the student senate. I have been applying to a few schools in the Cherry Creek School District. Even though the pay is very low it will be good for service and experience and I will have some income, little, but some. Then I would have some refuge from school and home. Plus I think that I would be great at that work. My anxiety is getting to me again. I think that I am going to get a xanax and try to relax and calm down for a little while until I can go home. I switched my bags from my timbuck two back to my backpack, but I am so superstitious that I feel the need to change the bags back. Thinking that I am going to have bad luck if I switch them. Plus the backpack had no compartments to separate and organize things well. Sometimes I wish that I still lived at my mom's house. My dad's is nice but we don’t have good meals every night and the house just seems to be somewhat dirty. My room is larger at my mom's and at my dad's I live in a closet. My desk there is some piece of furniture that is supposed to go against the hallway wall not something that I should be studying on. I guess I will just have to spend more time in the libraries and the west wing of the nature and science museum. I think that I can search for people in the Denver area through Daily Strength... but I am not sure. I would love to see if there are any gays in Denver with the same thing that I am facing. It would be nice to be with someone who understands. My last boyfriend broke up with me because of my mental state and because of my apparent weight gain. Which we all know can be caused by mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics. I am trying to get off of the medications but every time I go down I feel like shit... I really detox and it hurts, headaches nausea tired vomiting lack of sleep no desire to eat and the list goes on and on. I don’t know when I am moving back with my mom. I think that if I did move back there I would hurt both Dad and Chi. But I can’t keep feeling like this for these people I have to do what is right for me, but I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my father, he pays for everything without a flinch and that is really taking care of your children. But, we need him and he needs us. I keep remembering the time that he threw Luke into a being lounging chair and we were both scared of him. The next day at school we spilled what happened and the police were called and we went to Denver with my mom because we were all scared of my dad. Apparently we later learned that the police had taken a restraining out on my dad for both my brother and I. We stayed with my mom in a hotel in Denver for the rest of the week and weekend and then returned to Crested Butte. This was an experience that I do not want to go through again. But, what I learned from it was that he is a gentle caring compassionate man who cares deeply for his family. He will also help you with whatever you need and will try to guide you in the right way, he had been through what I have and understands the feelings. I think and hope that he will support me in my current state of mind. I dont think that I have realy friends here in Denver. When I get tot know people from SGA or what not they always stop calling and texting and they figure that I am no longer a friend to them. I have tried to contact a couple of them that I liked and they are always with other friends doing other things... as if I am not free to go along. When Rachael was here she draind out phsically, mentally and financially. Katice only hung out with me for one evening, the others she spent with Jay. I am alone here without any one to talk to or hang out with. When I was in the dorms both as a resident and an RA I had so many friends as well as a boyfriend, now that I am out of there I dont have either. The fact that I dont have friends anymore I am sure it sparks from the fact that I am held up tight in my parents houses. I hate this feeling. When I do find a boyfriend what am I going to do? Am I going to bring him bacl to one of my parents houses? I already brought Joe to my mom's house when she was gone so I know what it is like and I know that it gets somewhat awkward. I am almost done at the museum and they were supposed to sound the announcment by now and they have not so I am courious as to when we all are getting out of here. I am so tired especially after taking that xanax, but  still I am relaxed... oh and there is the announcement.