Don't know why I come back

I don't know why I come back to this website. I never get the answers I want. I'm probably asking the wrong questions. I have been bp for 21yrs, but I still believe I can beat it and I don't need drugs.
I think Im finally realizing that once I fully accept it will open my life to other posibilities. My vocabulary is bad. I blame it on the meds. Honestly I think the only thing that keeps me on disability is all of the meds they give me. I can't think straight or remember anything. How can I hold a job when my mind goes blank all the time and I can't understand what a person is telling me.
I feel disconnected. Everyone speaks a language that I can't understand. It makes my husband crazy sometimes and can be very embarassing. I'm so sad right now. I'm tired of the poisonous drugs I'm taking. I'm fucked and that's all there is to it.