Don't know if I will heal from my Smokey's death

I don't know if I will ever heal or get over my Smokey's death.  It seems like it will be with me for the rest of my life.  It is not the same as not remembering Smokey.  I will always hold Smokey in my heart and soul.  Smokey will be with me forever even when I hopefully one day find another love of my own.  One can only hope.  It is different than healing from the death of Smokey.  He was the greatest love of my life, my reason for living and my soul mate.  We were together for ten years but we impacted one anothers life greatly.  My friends and family are tired of me talking about Smokey so this is my only way to vent out my feelings about him anymore.  Daily Strength is my way to survive my terrible and horribly painful loss.  I know others have lost their own partners and were together for a lot longer than i was with Smokey.  It is a devestating loss no matter how long you were together that is for sure.  The memories of Smokey surround me.  I am living in the apartment that Smokey purchased.  Smokey died without a will so I get life interest in the apartment.  I find that Smokey's love for me is the apartment itself.  I sit in my share and just have to touch the wall to know Smokey loved me.  I can have a lot of fun going out with my friends and family but as soon as I come home through the door of the apartment, I fall apart.  It is not fun.  I would not wish this on any one.  I have to focus on a job but wonder who would hire me under the circumstances and what kind of worker would I be when I am so full of grief still.  I think of a lot of things.  I don't want to do volunteer work because I have to focus on getting a job.  I only need a part-time job but a full-time job would fill my days.  I don't know what  you think or are going through but it is the days of being alone when you have more time to fully feel all the grief and pain.  It is horrible.  I find now I am okay in the morning.  Mid-afternoon comes around and then I am down in the black hole of pain.  Today I was out with Carol and came home at 4p.m. and was hit with the full impact of my own pain.  I want to heal.  I want to find love again if God blesses me this way or love my life as a single widowed woman.  I want to have a positive impact in my own community.  If I had the money to retire, I would like to volunteer at my church and at a community centre to focus on helping others.  I am not rich by no means but feel God has blessed me with so very much and it would be nice to give back to others.  In this life we rarely get what we want.  The Rolling Stones so amply said it in one of their songs "You Can't Always Get What You Want But If You Try Some Times You Get What You Need."  We rarely get what we want but God blesses us in our needs.  It would be nice.  I feel so utterly hopeless at times.  I have all these needs.  Where is God in my own need?  My brother Don and I pray all the time about our needs.  What goes thru our minds is we have been praying for over one year now and see no results of these prayers at the moment.  We are to believe, have faith and trust God.  Some days it is easier to do this than compared to other days.  I don't understand.  Does God want us to lose our apartments?  Where is my help?  I don't understand anything anymore.  My soul is down cast but I know God will bring it up or cheer me up.  Tomorrow is another day.  We all will go to bed tonight in whatever mood we are in and tomorrow we wake up & are alive & are breathing once again.  At the moment I wish I had died along with Smokey.  I know this mood will pass and I will feel absolutely differently tomorrow.  I know this as I have been thru this many many many times in my life.  These moods are not strange to me.  I get sad or depressed and can write on and on.  Before I am writing a mini novel, I will say may God bless us each and every one of us.  From Diane