DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!
March 21: Wow! It has been a little over two months since I journaled. I guess that is because everything stays the same and yet is so different.
I have been plagued this winter with multiple respiratory illnesses and HUGE depression! I still cannot get myself out of the dark hole. I peek out once in a while, try to pull myself out, and then I tumble right back in.
I have almost removed all the clothes from Scott's closet. It was a have to thing....after 2 1/2 years, they were beginning to get "closet/hanger" marks. Happens when you burn wood and smoke. I can't stop burning the wood and I am just not ready to quit smoking. I am not even thinking about the clothes in the dresser, yet.
This weekend, weather wise has been crazy! On Friday it was in the mid-sixties. On Saturday, into Sunday, we got about four inches of snow. This coming Tuesday it will be back in the mid-sixties! Crazy Missouri weather!
On a good note, we had a baby shower for Chris and Sarah. That was a lot of fun. I had never hosted one before....it is A LOT of work....but it was fun. The games we played seemed to go over well. The cake and snacks were well received. And, in spite of the weather, the attendance was good. Craig, however, was unable to attend due to being called into work for snow removal. That was dissapointing! It was a co-ed shower.
I fell on the blasted ice today. Ouch! I seem to be stiffening by the moment! I am too old to fall and I sure don't bounce!
I am on Spring Break this week! I am so glad. I really like this break. Unlike Christmas break, there isn't a bunch of "hub-bub". I intend to finish my taxes, work on my book, and maybe, just maybe, do a bit of "real" cleaning.
So, life goes on..... I still miss Scott everyday and don't know how to get past the depression. My head knows I have much to be thankful for and yet my heart remains broken.
I have been plagued this winter with multiple respiratory illnesses and HUGE depression! I still cannot get myself out of the dark hole. I peek out once in a while, try to pull myself out, and then I tumble right back in.
I have almost removed all the clothes from Scott's closet. It was a have to thing....after 2 1/2 years, they were beginning to get "closet/hanger" marks. Happens when you burn wood and smoke. I can't stop burning the wood and I am just not ready to quit smoking. I am not even thinking about the clothes in the dresser, yet.
This weekend, weather wise has been crazy! On Friday it was in the mid-sixties. On Saturday, into Sunday, we got about four inches of snow. This coming Tuesday it will be back in the mid-sixties! Crazy Missouri weather!
On a good note, we had a baby shower for Chris and Sarah. That was a lot of fun. I had never hosted one before....it is A LOT of work....but it was fun. The games we played seemed to go over well. The cake and snacks were well received. And, in spite of the weather, the attendance was good. Craig, however, was unable to attend due to being called into work for snow removal. That was dissapointing! It was a co-ed shower.
I fell on the blasted ice today. Ouch! I seem to be stiffening by the moment! I am too old to fall and I sure don't bounce!
I am on Spring Break this week! I am so glad. I really like this break. Unlike Christmas break, there isn't a bunch of "hub-bub". I intend to finish my taxes, work on my book, and maybe, just maybe, do a bit of "real" cleaning.
So, life goes on..... I still miss Scott everyday and don't know how to get past the depression. My head knows I have much to be thankful for and yet my heart remains broken.
Replies
oh sweetie, i feel the same way. Troy has been gone 17months and i still have not touched at thing in his room, it is still like the day he left it. i just cannot bring myself to do it. my thoughts are with you. i too am so derpressed. i look in the mirror and have aged 20years. we have lost our hearts. i am so angry, mad, overwhelmed, sad, guilty..........just goes on. thank you for sharing with me. love donna
So good to hear from you...I am sorry to hear that your depression holds on so tight. Keep looking for the good things and I hope your spring break is a good one :) Love and hugs...Karen
Good to hear from you and I can relate to how you feel. Winter was long and I am hoping to pick up some good energy with spring approaching (though it got colder here this week). I keep looking for the good things but they seem hard to find lately. I just feel that I will be this way for the rest of my life, granted there will be good days, but my Suzie will always be first on my mind in the morning and last at night. I don\'t seem to understand how any amount of time can change that. Hugs Kay
Going through the clothes is so hard. Took me several tries before I could complete the task. Once it was done I felt better though...sad, but better...weird. Sounds like the baby shower went well and everyone had fun. Too bad Craig has to miss it. OUCH! So sorry about your fall! Hope you won\'t be too bruised or sore for too long. I don\'t bounce either!! Take care of yourself and keep taking those baby steps. Hugs and love, Teri.
With me having to clean out Shauns apt within two weeks, I believe I was still in shock, and the boxes I needed stayed stacked in the corner of the condo for a long time. I just came across more personal sentimental things and packaged them up and sent them down to Dana my daughter. The depression seems to come & go with me - more so now with being homebound with being ill. I hope you really catch a break while on a mini-vacation, excited about the book you are writing & would love to hear more. Just remember there is no \"time\" line or finish line to cross when healing from our losses - glad you had some fun over the weekend and sorry about the fall - hope you\'re not sore today. Love always,
Such is the journey from what I have noticed from the moms here and also books that I have been reading on grief and loss. My late mom who lost her son almost fourteen years ago told me that we never stop longing for our precious children yet somehow we begin to replace many of the painful memories with happier ones. I\'m holding onto this for sure. All of this is tough stuff and of course there are days we ache all over! Please take care and doube ouch with that fall, speaking of aches! Glad you journaled and told us how you are feeling and what is happening in your life. Hugs, Joanie
love you!!!! {{{hugs}}} my sweet friend!!!
Just remember that you have friends here who understand that dark pit.. keep fighting my love we are here for you..
Good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about the respitory problems and the depression. It can get you in it\'s grip retty easy and seems to hang on for dear life, no experience on my part, LOl. Sounds like the shower went well. Your weather sounds like ours, crazy this year. Keep well and enjoy your break. Love and hugs Cathy
So good to hear from you! I think our hearts will always be broken. There is nothing that will ever mend them totally until we\'re with our children again. I\'m glad you had a good time at the shower - a happy time. It\'s just a daily work in progress, I feel, to keep our spirits up. I hope spring and warm sunshine will help. The dark, gray winter is just too much. Love, Julia
It is good to hear from you. I\'m sorry that you have had a rough time this winter. I hope you are feeling better. Maybe with Spring around the corner it will help lift our spirits a little. I understand about cleaning out Scott\'s closets and drawers. It is over two years now for me and I am still not finished either. Hugs, Kim
Ginger I know how your feeling, I can\'t seem to get out of that deep dark hole of depression either. Just as I start to feeling I\'m climing out of the hole, I fall back in. Once we have consistence sunshine, we can go outside and plant flowers, plus other activites... it should lift our spirits...Our you going to the Retreat?? I gave Barbara a deposit, for my daughter and I to go..I\'m kinda nervous about it, I\'m sure everyone else is too..Hang in there! Love & Hugs, Kelly