Don't know anymore

I'm just at a loss what to do now. i don't like feeling like this. i hate waking up every morning wondering if its going to be a good day or a bad day. i fucking hate it. the pain, exhaustion, stress, etc. i just want it to stop please please please. i dont know whats going to happen when im out of my pain meds. i dont want to go to the hospital. i HATE the hospital. its not that im afraid of it or anything, i just dont like being there for medical reason. it takes sooo long, it seems like it takes even longer when you're in extreme pain. it scares me too, especially if they arent familiar with endo. i really dont like the drugs they use there. theyre wonderful because they take the pain away, but so powerful they take the pain away. (yes i know i said the same thing. but it makes sense to me). i just want to give up. i'm sick of it all. i want to live a normal fucking life!