DON\'T KNOW...
Thursday Night-late: I don't even know how I feel these days. I had a really hard night last night. I feel like I let my son die because I didn't go in and check on him soon enough. I just know I knew.... I was up until 3 a.m. and when I did go to bed I just cried! We have yet another funeral to go to this weekend. Craig's best friend's dad died. I know it is their worst pain but for me.... I don't mean to sound cold but until 2 wks. ago he lived a full life...wife, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids. It is all I hope for my children. But, we will be there and offer whatever support we can. It is all about perspective, I guess. And thank God they don't know my kind of pain! Chris gave me a Day Spa gift certificate for Christmas. Today I went for an eyebrow wax (ouch), a foot massage, and a scalp massage. The foot massage was awesome! One of Scott's friends wants us to go on his Dad's houseboat this weekend for a cookout. We just are not up to it this week. We will do it another day. How sweet, though. Father's Day will be so hard. That is the day Scott died last summer although the actual angel date is June 17. I am having a garage sale the 20th and 21st. It will keep me busy all week. We buried Scott on the 21st. I think a good friend of mine may be coming to visit, too. I am looking forward to seeing her. She lives in KS now and I have not seen her since Scott's funeral. I have talked to her but that is just not the same. I hope she can stand the DUST! Since I have been off school I am not doing very much. Sleeping mostly. Guess I need it. I have been trying to gather things for my sale. I can use the extra money. Oh, I just feel so empty, sad, and helpless without Scott & Melissa.
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There is a lot of dust at my house. I want to sleep. For me, it is an escape. Keeping busy helps. Its good you have some sort of plan.
Oh I wish I had the words to take your pain away! all of are pain but the reality there just aren\'t any...and your not begin cold I have a neighbor who drives me nuts she always says(honey I know your pain my mom or my this or that)shut the F$%^% up is what I want to say.but I don\'t I just look at her and say hon no I don\'t think you do I to have buried a mother,father,brother and yes it hurt but they lived longer had wifes, grandchildren,and i told her this is the worst.she then shuts up.I don\'t wish this pain on anyone. Hope you have a peaceful weekend. Love Tammy
Ginger it wasn\'t your fault that Scott died I kicked myself in the butt everyday for not calling Justin the day he died but I relize now it wasn\'t my fault.I miss him more everyday.I feel your pain.I know Scott\'s 1 year is coming up I wish I can tell you it will be alright but I can\'t I was mostly in bed when Justin\'s 1 year was in March I was just as sad on the 25 that was the day of his funeral.Life sucks.We are suppose to go to Mike\'s brothers house on Father\'s Day not sure if we are going.I wish I could give you a great big hug right now.You take care.Talk to you soon.Love,jfm24,Vicki
Please don\'t be hard on yourself. I look for reasons to somehow place the blame on myself.
Wish I could take your pain away. I can only say I understand & I am here for you. Hugs & Love lucille
The one year anniversary of loss is always horrible. I wishing you all the strength you need to get through it. I know that trite words like \"it will get better\" are ridiculous. It never does get better you just learn to live with it like living with constant pain. Just know that you are not alone there are a lot of us living with this constant pain. I saw a comic in the Boston Globe yesterday about one of the characters in the comic passing and the last panel said it all-\"we...all of us are a time limited offer\".
Perspective...you are so right...people have no idea how sad they COULD be...God bless their ignorance. Keep getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other...love and hugs to you...Karen
We grieving mothers second-guess everything we did with our children. All I can do is remind myself daily that I did the best I could. My Greg\'s first angel date is June 21st, the same as your Scott\'s funeral. Some days are just too difficult. Peace...
Reading your journal entry really puts things into perspective for me as I get so angry with my son. Thanks you for sharing. It makes me see how fortunate I am to still have my son. God Bless you. I wish I had the right words to comfort you. Time heals all wounds. Hang in there.
Ginger,
I did the same thing you are doing which is blaming myself.We have to forgive ourselves for whatever we perceive that we did ,that is the only way to move forward.Since we do not know what God\'s plan was why blame ourselves. I have moved forward and I am able to, at least most of the time, not blame myself. Once I decided that I was not to blame then I was able to move forward. Hugs, Inga
My heart goes out to you and all the others who have lost a near and dear loved one, especially a child. I too, wish I could find words to take away everyones pain. Just know that even strangers still care in this often cruel world. Hugs to all.
Ginger, please do not feel guilty. I know when the pain is deep, and your mind starts wondering,you start having different thought. I have often thought if I had just put my foot down and told Justin no, he was not getting the bike, he might still be here today. But who knows. They say when it\'s your time to go, it\'s your time. So please don\'t blame yourself. I don\'t blame myself. Justin was the happiest I had seen him in a long time on thee motorcycle, and he had bought it with his own hard earned money.
Glad your friend is coming for a visit. That\' will do you soooo good. I will be thinking of you and your family on Scott\'s angel date.
Oh, and don\'t worry about the dust bunnies ! We all have them , and bunnies are cute, anyway !!!!
Love ya, and you have a good time with your friend !
Kelly
Ginger, guilt is one of the most overwhelming emotions in this journey. The minute we have these kids, we nurture, love, mentor, teach, comfort, guide, discipline and protect them the best we know how. I think our guilt mainly stems from outliving them. Reality hits and we know that we can\'t protect them their whole lives. They make choices and sometimes their behavior is risky. I know Scott would want you to quit beating yourself up over this and find a way to forgive yourself and be happy. Little by little remind yourself that you are a wonderful mother because you have a wonderful son and though his life was short, it was meaningful. The angel date as it approaches year brings lots of anxiety just as all the other \"firsts\" do, but minute by minute and hour by hour you will get through it. Thinking of you. Love Robin
Ginger All guilt does is make an impossible situation worse. It was not and never will be your fault. It just is. Pain is hard to quantify and I\'m not sure we can. Each person\'s is as horrific to thme as ours is to us. Hope you have great success on your garage sale. Love and hugs cathy