Don't Ask "Why"
Dear Fred:
For the past few months it seems I have two different entities.One is on the very surface. Superficial and chugging along each day doing this and that. The other is a much deeper entity.... perhaps the "real" me.
After 16 months I find that I am able to cry less, less often and for not as long. As I go about my daily life it seems there really are lots of things I can do and even more things I SHOULD do. If I am operating in the "surface mode" I can come up with a long list of "should do", "can do" and even some "want to dos". As long as I keep skating on the surface I even get a few things done.
I started to redecorate my bedroom... painted, new bedroom furniture, new rugs. A new flat screen TV on the wall and a CD player as well. Then I made the mistake of allowing the deeper entity to creep up and ask me "WHY???" Now, months later I still do not have any of the wall decorations up nor do I have any new blinds and new valences in the windows. As soon as I asked myself "why?" it seems momentum and enthusiam vanished.
The same thing has happened to remodeling Nick's bathroom. I made the mistake of allowing the question "Why?" to enter my mind.
I started redoing the back garden flower bed. Friends came over and spent the morning digging our grasses and deep seet weeds and the tilling the dirt so I could replant. We spread black paper to prevent further weeds. I got the needed bark to cover it with and then planted a few flowers. I bought a few more flowers to complete the project. Once again the deeper entity asked "WHY??". A month later the rest of the bark has not been spread nor have the remaining flowrs been planted. I have not rekindled even the slightest enthusiasm for completing the job. It just seems so very pointless. So I get it done. Then what?? I know I should get enjoyment out of the improvement but it just doesn't seem to be there.
I meet with my counselor, keep appointments with my MD, keep appointments with my financial adviser, look for activities to volunteer in and have lunch or take short trips with friends. I have even considered taking up horse riding lessons. Once again, if I do not allow "Why??" to crop up I do much better.
The question "why?" reminds me that Nick is gone and is not coming back. Actual purpose in life seems to have vanished. If I let the deeper entity ask "Why are you doing that?" I never can come up with a meaningful answer. Motivation leaves and enthusiasm goes with it. They do not give me their forwarding address either.
As long as I am surface skating I can go from one day to the next but when the "reality of life" visits me I come to a stand still and wonder if I am actually healing (what ever that happens to be) or if I am just developing better skills in "skating".
There doesn't seem to be an answer. Skating seems to get me further along than the "reality"scene does. Perhaps part of the widowhood journey is learning how to skate. And then, skate long enough for THAT to become the reality of life.
Perhaps skating is what I am supposed to do for now. And if so, I won't ask "Why?".
7/26/2012
Darlene
For the past few months it seems I have two different entities.One is on the very surface. Superficial and chugging along each day doing this and that. The other is a much deeper entity.... perhaps the "real" me.
After 16 months I find that I am able to cry less, less often and for not as long. As I go about my daily life it seems there really are lots of things I can do and even more things I SHOULD do. If I am operating in the "surface mode" I can come up with a long list of "should do", "can do" and even some "want to dos". As long as I keep skating on the surface I even get a few things done.
I started to redecorate my bedroom... painted, new bedroom furniture, new rugs. A new flat screen TV on the wall and a CD player as well. Then I made the mistake of allowing the deeper entity to creep up and ask me "WHY???" Now, months later I still do not have any of the wall decorations up nor do I have any new blinds and new valences in the windows. As soon as I asked myself "why?" it seems momentum and enthusiam vanished.
The same thing has happened to remodeling Nick's bathroom. I made the mistake of allowing the question "Why?" to enter my mind.
I started redoing the back garden flower bed. Friends came over and spent the morning digging our grasses and deep seet weeds and the tilling the dirt so I could replant. We spread black paper to prevent further weeds. I got the needed bark to cover it with and then planted a few flowers. I bought a few more flowers to complete the project. Once again the deeper entity asked "WHY??". A month later the rest of the bark has not been spread nor have the remaining flowrs been planted. I have not rekindled even the slightest enthusiasm for completing the job. It just seems so very pointless. So I get it done. Then what?? I know I should get enjoyment out of the improvement but it just doesn't seem to be there.
I meet with my counselor, keep appointments with my MD, keep appointments with my financial adviser, look for activities to volunteer in and have lunch or take short trips with friends. I have even considered taking up horse riding lessons. Once again, if I do not allow "Why??" to crop up I do much better.
The question "why?" reminds me that Nick is gone and is not coming back. Actual purpose in life seems to have vanished. If I let the deeper entity ask "Why are you doing that?" I never can come up with a meaningful answer. Motivation leaves and enthusiasm goes with it. They do not give me their forwarding address either.
As long as I am surface skating I can go from one day to the next but when the "reality of life" visits me I come to a stand still and wonder if I am actually healing (what ever that happens to be) or if I am just developing better skills in "skating".
There doesn't seem to be an answer. Skating seems to get me further along than the "reality"scene does. Perhaps part of the widowhood journey is learning how to skate. And then, skate long enough for THAT to become the reality of life.
Perhaps skating is what I am supposed to do for now. And if so, I won't ask "Why?".
7/26/2012
Darlene
Replies
Oh Darlene, you have a way of expressing yourself very well and just what I am feeling also. I do not ask myself WHY? anymore as I don\'t like the answer....I hear you my friend and know I am here for you........hugs
Hi Darlene
I just read your journal, And Surely is right your way with words is right on with the feelings. I feel the same way WHY!!!
And to make it worse, I don\'t know how to skate.
But for me the reason I push and try and continue is because I believe my Stephan is with me , and I know he would not want me to give up , And I always want him to be proud of me. I remember a letter he wrote me not long brfore
Before he took his life. And in it he said. He said no matter what i might think,He loved me and only ever wanted the best for me
To me that\'s what he did. He always gave me the best of everything and of himself. And so for him, I try until I can do it for myself ,like I know he would want.
So that is how I manage to go on ,even though each minute of everyday is WHY!!!!
And I am fortunate to have a wonderful friend like you , that gives me hope everyday that things will get better.
Love and Hug
Your Little Sister
Jennifer
Sorry it is in two parts,my computer has a mind of it\'s own
Lol