DOING TIME
4-14-09: I wrote a journal entry the other day that I somehow deleted. Good thing. It was very dark. I had just had "one of those days." I am doing a bit better today, I think, I guess. A family friend/neighbor passed away. He was eighty and had lived a long, good life. My heart still goes out to the family. It is their worst pain. And, one of Scott's friends had a friend, age twenty-three, who shot himself last week. Another waste of a young life. Ashley is really struggling with losing yet another friend. She did bring her son, about sixteen mos. old, to see me tonight. Whew! He is into EVERYTHING now! My house is SO NOT baby/child proof! But, he is so cute and such great entertainment! Adam had court today. It went well. I sure hope he is finished with stupid choices! But now,there is a girl who is accusing Adam of being the father of her baby. There is about a one in a gazillion chance that is true. There are medical reasons. However, if it is, he would, of course, take responsibility. My son, Chris, suggested the next time she calls with threats, etc., Adam just tell her, "Set up the DNA test and if I am the father, I will see you in court for custody." I think that is a really good idea. I suspect she will "give it up". And, if she does follow through, we will know for sure. At this point, it is just stress none of us need. Chris has been very busy with the Springfield Cardinals. He didn't even get to have Easter dinner with us. I did, after work on Monday, take him a plate to microwave. He was very happy about that! Work has been nuts. They kids are all very "bouncy!" We only have thirty-four actual days, in school, left. Melissa would be turning twenty-one on April 19th. Her angel date is next month. We are all having a hard time with that. On the up side, I get to visit with a DS, out-of-town friend, on April 18th. She will be in the area. This is our second visit. And, another of our DS friends is supposed to join us. I have also invited Melissa's mom. It is peaceful to visit with people without worrying if "my mask" is in place! I do feel like I am just doing time, however. I find very little, if any, joy, in my days. I was thinking the other day how every minute, of every day, someone is experiencing pain and tragedy. And yet, most of us keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one breath at a time. Why? For me, I guess I just don't what else there is to do. But, I really don't care about much of anything except my family. This isn't really much of a way to live, is it? Oh, I am rambling.....time to go to bed and prepare to face yet another day.
Replies
The sorrow of loss continues to affect more moms...it is heartbreaking. I have felt the way you described before...doing time. But gradually over the last few months, I have realized that I do enjoy things again. AND, at the same time, I carry my sorrow for Alex not being here with us...I miss him so. Keep plugging along Ginger...I am sure that life will eventually become more than just doing time. Love to you...Karen
I understand how you feel, all too well. It is because you are a Mom and we all wear our masks. Just last night, I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to talk to Jamie and my sis about what is going on with me now (it is in my journal) and my Jamie\'s 2nd angel date is coming up in July--it just doesn\'t get easier. We handle it better, I think, and we are able to comfort others and be strong for them. I think that is part of the reason we are here now, to help other Moms make it through.
I do understand about things not meaning much. I can\'t tell you how many times I have gone into a store with the intent of buying a new shirt, or whatever. Money in my pocket. Last week I found a great sale-50% off on capris and actually had 2 pair in my basket, and put them back and walked out empty handed. Nothing brings happiness or joy, anymore, oh, I can fake it sometimes in front of family and friends,...but really, my husband is all that I am living for now,...truly. Tight hugs, Judy
Ginger, I also often feel this same way.....what is there to go on for? But, we have to keep trying to move forward because I truly believe that is what our children would want us to do. As hard as it is, we keep going. We will just continue to help each other and those that unfortunately will join this journey with us. Hang in there friend....we are here for you. Love, Kim
It does feel as if we are doing time and actually we really are. I guess we just have to find joy ourselves sometimes instead of waiting for it to find us. I don\'t think there is anything wrong with just caring about your family. They is the most important thing and I\'m sure in time, other things will become important again. Sorry about all the other stuff going on for you right now. Love to you. Robin
\"Doing time\", what an apt way to put this life we live now. Each day, to me, is one day less to live without my son. Each day is a day of keep breathing, keep trying to focus, keep trying to keep trying. And, for me, just wait for the end of this pain. In the meantime, I will try to focus on being kinder, gentler and just trying to find a way to live. Love, Belinda
Ginger I think about it more and more of late. How much time to we have to do before we become free. One day at a time that\'s the only way. Love and hugs Cathy
We all have those dark days. I have written a lot of dark thoughts when I was depressed. At one time, I was in that dark place nearly all the time.My first son died April 3rd,2003. I had breast cancer in summer of 2006. Then DEC 10,2007 my otherson killed himself. Then my step daughter also killed herself. It was just like loosing the first son all over again. The griefs all got mixed together, and it was too much for me to handle for a while. I have come a long way. I have good days now. I sometimes go without crying for a whole day, sometimes more than a day. I used to cry alot day and night. I hope that your life settles down, and you can get a little peace at least for a while. I love you,Peggy