Doing ok

Things are OK. I’m realizing indeed I have a very hard time transitioning to independent stuff when I stop working for church. But then it’s like if I do start thinking about what I want I become or go in the extreme opposite direction. A total self involved state and a mind to do all I want to do. Here’s hoping for some middle ground because in the mindset of self responsibility I don’t know a lot of what I want to do and in the opposite direction I lose sight of what is responsible. It shouldn’t be so hard, I’ve learned to disregard the abuse like stuff here and I’m growing stronger and more nonchalant about interacting. I can also stop myself progressing and doing things when I'm free sometimes because I feel like I’m emotionally not ready and like I need steps to get there first. At the same time I realized I know that’s when I’ve got a push myself a little bit. When alone i just am so driven by my body versus my mind, because it hasn't caught up yet, but a combination of the two relaxing into life that my therapist can coach me through would be great, sorry this is unclear to me too right now, but I wanted to write it. I am thinking about if I were to leave here, the monastery I mean, and if I were at a place on my own, I might lose that battle again of my physical sybaritic impulses over my sensible ones. I would probably isolate. I would definitely need something to do like work again and a community in person. So despite it being not ideal here at the monastery at certain times it is very very good for me in some other senses. Anyways, things are good. I just have to somehow get some staying power or get some tenacity about sticking with some goals. I've realized doing art can be a way of working 'it' out and that's very good motivation indeed. I can’t wait to see my therapist next week 

peace you guys!