doing alright, i think....well, getting there

I am at home and I am trying to figure out what my lack of motivation

is all about right now.

I will rewind to last night and today.

I went to my family's house last night for my Father's Birthday.

It was a nice time and I got along well.

I found myself trying very hard to get along...

but in the positive sense..... I just know myself that I need to 'own' my behavior

and in doing that I just tried to be considerate..I was considerate and we all chatted.

I found myself able to look beyond the meaning of how things 'should be' in the extreme and instead understood

how things are for me...I didn't get so caught up in a rigid sense of things, well maybe

a little but more so I just found myself awake to my individual considering and was able to get along...I could add to the conversation and I enjoyed it. I know I am different but that kind of 'numbness with knowing difference' didn't overcome

the experience.

I went to work this morning and I worked hard. I found it hard to connect with people. I felt hard to shake the bruising from people who kind of offered not the kindest respect.I kind of think I might want to find another job. I know I said just yesterday that I 'groove' on it - but I have known too that I can't do this work forever... I need better pay - and I need a more gratification.

I came home and I just kind of melded with the couch. I ate lunch, and took a nap and then I ran an errand (which lifted my spirits.) It really tells me that when I get so caught up in a kind of depression soup, it's real important to do physical or some kind of activity. I need to 'gift myself' the fun of life.

I realize too that I need to find my motivation in life and I can't think of the 'n'th degree of consideration without

a sense of my own individual desires much like was happening last night at my Dad's house. I know this may sound

vague - I am not sure how to express it myself...but I kind of have had to accept the day was depressing and think

'it's another day' and 'so you need to accept it and suss out the issue' and 'adjust and 'do some activity', something, anything.  I think all it takes for me at least right now is to remember is really that kind of stepping back, breathing and just getting on with the day. It doesn't have to be an ultimate consideration of society at large but maybe what's just right here and right now....that kind of reality I can live with

and I think it will make my coming days that much easier to deal with. Not easy probably but do able.