Does this really get better?
I am very discouraged today. Yesterday I felt a little better, I felt like I was finally after all this time, beginning to be able to really open up with DH about how I have been feeling. Today I feel like I would rather the world just stop turning than get out of bed.
For the time that I was ignoring everything DH believed I was fine, and why wouldn't he, I did too. Now that I am having such a rough time, and all the feelings are really coming out, he is totally perplexed. At first I think he really thought I was exagerating everything, and that I would be fine in a few days. Now I think he is really starting to grasp how I am feeling, that this is not something that is going to go away in a few days. I have been slowly working up to talking to him about things, and I find it harder (and maybe counter productive??) to try to talk to him on "good" days.
Lately I have been really careful about what I say or how much I complain or get upset in front of him because he has been under a lot of stress himself. He was recently diagnosed with a rare form of arthritis and a hernia. He has suffered from RLS (restless legs syndrome) for years, but was recently prescribed medication. I know he is afraid of going for his follow-up appointment in a few weeks, so I don't want to give him anything else to worry about. Yesterday he was in a lot of pain and was feeling down and fearful of a possible impending surgery. I tried to be supportive and helpful. He said he wanted to go for a walk and I happily agreed, glad to be able to get out of the house, hoping to be able to talk a little to him about how I had/have been feeling. Then on the way out the door we have a silly argument about pain. He says that I can't know how badly he is hurting right now. I disagreed and said that I could and did understand how bad/hard it is. He then says physical pain is more unbearable and more difficult than emotional pain. I am stunned. I know that he is not saying this to be mean or hurtful; and that he is angry and frustrated and hurting himself, but I am really at a loss. I don't pursue the issue and we go on with our walk. He talks about the future and the plans he wants to make. I listen mostly silent, and don't say what I am thinking; that it is almost too hard for me to look forward right now, that the present is hard enough. I am afraid that even if I can talk to him that he will never understand what I have been through, that he will always minimize the loss.
What do I do? I can not paste on my fake smile at home too, it would just be too exhausting. I feel like everything is too much. I woke up this morning with the panicky feeling I have not had in 3 weeks, and for the 1st time in a long time I cried hard before leaving for work. The fear that I can not take anymore is really consuming today. This morning at 4 AM when I couldn't go back to sleep I thought about where I was a year ago, and everything thats happened since then. It feels like all the bad things started happening around this time last year, my cancer scare, my parents each losing their jobs and almost their home, my brother's bi-polar disorder taking a turn for the worst, my job becoming really stressful, losing my baby, losing my job, losing my insurance and my hope. I hate to be so negative, to feel so sorry for myself. I know that there were things that happened in that time that weren't horrible or crushing; unfortunately I can't remember them at the moment.
I have noticed that when I am home I do feel better. I am not sure anymore if it's because I feel safer there or because it is not this new job that I dislike so much. My feelings get so jumbled up and I can't separate them anymore. I have gained some weight over the past few months which adds to my negativity. I was supposed to be covering a big baby belly, not a growing roll of fat. I tried to put on some spring clothes this morning and everything was a little too tight. Great. Now I am sad, angry, afraid, depressed, childless, and FAT. Happy Tuesday to me. . .
For the time that I was ignoring everything DH believed I was fine, and why wouldn't he, I did too. Now that I am having such a rough time, and all the feelings are really coming out, he is totally perplexed. At first I think he really thought I was exagerating everything, and that I would be fine in a few days. Now I think he is really starting to grasp how I am feeling, that this is not something that is going to go away in a few days. I have been slowly working up to talking to him about things, and I find it harder (and maybe counter productive??) to try to talk to him on "good" days.
Lately I have been really careful about what I say or how much I complain or get upset in front of him because he has been under a lot of stress himself. He was recently diagnosed with a rare form of arthritis and a hernia. He has suffered from RLS (restless legs syndrome) for years, but was recently prescribed medication. I know he is afraid of going for his follow-up appointment in a few weeks, so I don't want to give him anything else to worry about. Yesterday he was in a lot of pain and was feeling down and fearful of a possible impending surgery. I tried to be supportive and helpful. He said he wanted to go for a walk and I happily agreed, glad to be able to get out of the house, hoping to be able to talk a little to him about how I had/have been feeling. Then on the way out the door we have a silly argument about pain. He says that I can't know how badly he is hurting right now. I disagreed and said that I could and did understand how bad/hard it is. He then says physical pain is more unbearable and more difficult than emotional pain. I am stunned. I know that he is not saying this to be mean or hurtful; and that he is angry and frustrated and hurting himself, but I am really at a loss. I don't pursue the issue and we go on with our walk. He talks about the future and the plans he wants to make. I listen mostly silent, and don't say what I am thinking; that it is almost too hard for me to look forward right now, that the present is hard enough. I am afraid that even if I can talk to him that he will never understand what I have been through, that he will always minimize the loss.
What do I do? I can not paste on my fake smile at home too, it would just be too exhausting. I feel like everything is too much. I woke up this morning with the panicky feeling I have not had in 3 weeks, and for the 1st time in a long time I cried hard before leaving for work. The fear that I can not take anymore is really consuming today. This morning at 4 AM when I couldn't go back to sleep I thought about where I was a year ago, and everything thats happened since then. It feels like all the bad things started happening around this time last year, my cancer scare, my parents each losing their jobs and almost their home, my brother's bi-polar disorder taking a turn for the worst, my job becoming really stressful, losing my baby, losing my job, losing my insurance and my hope. I hate to be so negative, to feel so sorry for myself. I know that there were things that happened in that time that weren't horrible or crushing; unfortunately I can't remember them at the moment.
I have noticed that when I am home I do feel better. I am not sure anymore if it's because I feel safer there or because it is not this new job that I dislike so much. My feelings get so jumbled up and I can't separate them anymore. I have gained some weight over the past few months which adds to my negativity. I was supposed to be covering a big baby belly, not a growing roll of fat. I tried to put on some spring clothes this morning and everything was a little too tight. Great. Now I am sad, angry, afraid, depressed, childless, and FAT. Happy Tuesday to me. . .
Replies
You don\'t know how much I want to say something that will make you feel 100 times better. I relate so much to what you are saying. I am fighting anxiousness today. I woke up at 3:30 and couldn\'t go back to sleep, just dreading...and worrying about being at work after a few days off. Like you, I do so much better at home! There have been days here at work that I had to shut my door so others can\'t see me cry. It is hard.
As far as your DH. All I can say is that I know my own DH has to be confused. I MCed a month ago. For the first few weeks, I was coping MUCH better than I am know. He must be asking \"why now, I thought she was doing ok\". I think for the first few weeks, I was in shock. Maybe that is whats going on with you. As far as pain....I don\'t think you can compare physical and emotional pain. They are two different things. What I do know is that often there is medication to make physical pain go away. Emotional pain is always there. Sometimes it is buried and we can look \"normal\". Sometimes it is right out there for all to see, even when we try to hide it. I think this emotional rollor coaster takes its toll on us physically. I have problems with sleep....either sleeping all the time or never. I have problems eating...eating out of an attempt to comfort thus gaining weight. That makes me mad, and a cycle of guilt over everything tends to start up. I posted a journal last week about having a day where I just fell apart. I think everything you described in your entry is what is to be expected. Unfortunatly, most people will not understand...even our DHs. They have experianced the loss as well, but not in the same way; AT ALL. I pray that your Wednesday is better.
Hi,
I could have written that myself. I miscarried 5 weeks ago and my husband keeps talking about the house we could buy in the next couple of years (he was never interested before and we don\'t need a bigger place now), where we could go on vacation this year (I wasn\'t planning going anywhere because I would have been giving birth in September), how strange it will be to see our daughter happy to go to junior high in September (right around my due date). I can bear when he talks about the future because I can barely get through the day thinking without thinking about the plans I don\'t need to make anymore (a room for baby, childcare/work arrangements etc. etc. friggin etc.)
heartofhope is so right when she says that there is nothing anyone can do to make us feel better. Most people have stopped asking how I\'m doing. That\'s fine with me though because I don\'t have to lie. Actually, I\'ve been surprised to find that I have 2 good male friends who have been unbelievable kind and call often to see how I\'m doing. I really didn\'t expect that from them. One has been divorced for many years and the other is going through an ugly divorce and his soon to be ex miscarried a few years ago. I was taken aback at their level of tact and genuine concern. I really thought my girlfriends would have been the shoulder to cry on, but they aren\'t. It\'s good to have a couple of people I don\'t have to hide from, which has been the case over the last 5 weeks.
Like you, I feel far better at home. I can take my fake smile off and not worry about what anyone is thinking or likely to say that will upset me.
The night is the worst time for me. The later it gets, the more agitated I become.
I\'m unable to get to sleep then sleep badly when I do.
Please know that i\'m thinking about you and all the other ladies out there going through this same hell.
Hope that tomorrow brings you a day of peace xx
Thank you so much for your comments and support. It is times like this that I find this site to be such a blessing. Today is tough going, but I am plugging ahead. I finally got the interview I have been waiting for, but need to wear a suit and mine is, as I mentioned earlier, a little snug. I will now be going out after work to try on suits I can\'t really afford in sizes I wish I didn\'t wear for a job I really want, but am afraid I will not get. So depressing. . . I should be excited, but I am just blah.
Thank you so much for your comments and support. It is times like this that I find this site to be such a blessing. Today is tough going, but I am plugging ahead. I finally got the interview I have been waiting for, but need to wear a suit and mine is, as I mentioned earlier, a little snug. I will now be going out after work to try on suits I can\'t really afford in sizes I wish I didn\'t wear for a job I really want, but am afraid I will not get. So depressing. . . I should be excited, but I am just blah.
Thank you so much for your comments and support. It is times like this that I find this site to be such a blessing. Today is tough going, but I am plugging ahead. I finally got the interview I have been waiting for, but need to wear a suit and mine is, as I mentioned earlier, a little snug. I will now be going out after work to try on suits I can\'t really afford in sizes I wish I didn\'t wear for a job I really want, but am afraid I will not get. So depressing. . . I should be excited, but I am just blah.
Thank you so much for your comments and support. It is times like this that I find this site to be such a blessing. Today is tough going, but I am plugging ahead. I finally got the interview I have been waiting for, but need to wear a suit and mine is, as I mentioned earlier, a little snug. I will now be going out after work to try on suits I can\'t really afford in sizes I wish I didn\'t wear for a job I really want, but am afraid I will not get. So depressing. . . I should be excited, but I am just blah.
I have no words to truly comfort you but I know that I bought this book called, Grieving the child I never knew ... it\'s not a how to book, nothing down pat on how to deal with the pain, but sometimes ... it\'s just nice to have it with me, pull it out and go to the page I need that day. The author had three MC and one child that was born but passed away hours later. I found it before this site and it helped a bit before I found this support group, Thinking of you today ...
Oh Shannon - I\'m just so sorry you had such a bad day. Especially when it sounded like you and your husband were having a nice moment and you were able to be there for him as you had said before you wanted to. Boo. Just wish I could make it better. But was VERY excited to see the post about the job interview! Woohoo! So, you gotta believe your meant for this job, and you\'ll get it! I believe in you! Now just to convince you ;) BIG hugs and a wish for a great interview and better days ahead, Meagan
bad days just SUCK...there are no ways around them...i just hope in time that they become less frequent and farther apart...(guess that means the same thing huh :)...anyway...I don\'t have any great advice and I am sorry for that...you are are completely sane..and you need to grieve..sounds like you pushed through it pretending to \"be fine\"....we all do it...for work, for friends and unfortunately even for those we love the most our husbands to \"spare them\"...but no one spared us from our pain and losses...so we deserve to grieve for as long....as hard....as much as we need to to feel better...and with time...we will heal...I have to believe that...It is 3months...and I do definately feel better than a month ago...so I have hope again...heres to getting through tomorrow.!
Thank you all so much for you kind words of support. I managed to find a suit on clearance last night so at least I didn\'t break the bank! I am going to interview this afternoon at 2, and am really anxious. I would be starting as a temp and then get hired (hopefully) within 3 months. It pays a lot more than I have ever earned at any job in my entire life and that is a little daunting! DH said that even if I am still temping that as long as I have the promise a permanent job that in July (during open enrollment) I can go on his insurance and we can start trying again! I am so hoping that this goes well, but don\'t want to hope too much in case in doesn\'t. I will keep you all posted. . . you guys really are a life saver!