Does this really get better?
I am very discouraged today. Yesterday I felt a little better, I felt like I was finally after all this time, beginning to be able to really open up with DH about how I have been feeling. Today I feel like I would rather the world just stop turning than get out of bed.
For the time that I was ignoring everything DH believed I was fine, and why wouldn't he, I did too. Now that I am having such a rough time, and all the feelings are really coming out, he is totally perplexed. At first I think he really thought I was exagerating everything, and that I would be fine in a few days. Now I think he is really starting to grasp how I am feeling, that this is not something that is going to go away in a few days. I have been slowly working up to talking to him about things, and I find it harder (and maybe counter productive??) to try to talk to him on "good" days.
Lately I have been really careful about what I say or how much I complain or get upset in front of him because he has been under a lot of stress himself. He was recently diagnosed with a rare form of arthritis and a hernia. He has suffered from RLS (restless legs syndrome) for years, but was recently prescribed medication. I know he is afraid of going for his follow-up appointment in a few weeks, so I don't want to give him anything else to worry about. Yesterday he was in a lot of pain and was feeling down and fearful of a possible impending surgery. I tried to be supportive and helpful. He said he wanted to go for a walk and I happily agreed, glad to be able to get out of the house, hoping to be able to talk a little to him about how I had/have been feeling. Then on the way out the door we have a silly argument about pain. He says that I can't know how badly he is hurting right now. I disagreed and said that I could and did understand how bad/hard it is. He then says physical pain is more unbearable and more difficult than emotional pain. I am stunned. I know that he is not saying this to be mean or hurtful; and that he is angry and frustrated and hurting himself, but I am really at a loss. I don't pursue the issue and we go on with our walk. He talks about the future and the plans he wants to make. I listen mostly silent, and don't say what I am thinking; that it is almost too hard for me to look forward right now, that the present is hard enough. I am afraid that even if I can talk to him that he will never understand what I have been through, that he will always minimize the loss.
What do I do? I can not paste on my fake smile at home too, it would just be too exhausting. I feel like everything is too much. I woke up this morning with the panicky feeling I have not had in 3 weeks, and for the 1st time in a long time I cried hard before leaving for work. The fear that I can not take anymore is really consuming today. This morning at 4 AM when I couldn't go back to sleep I thought about where I was a year ago, and everything thats happened since then. It feels like all the bad things started happening around this time last year, my cancer scare, my parents each losing their jobs and almost their home, my brother's bi-polar disorder taking a turn for the worst, my job becoming really stressful, losing my baby, losing my job, losing my insurance and my hope. I hate to be so negative, to feel so sorry for myself. I know that there were things that happened in that time that weren't horrible or crushing; unfortunately I can't remember them at the moment.
I have noticed that when I am home I do feel better. I am not sure anymore if it's because I feel safer there or because it is not this new job that I dislike so much. My feelings get so jumbled up and I can't separate them anymore. I have gained some weight over the past few months which adds to my negativity. I was supposed to be covering a big baby belly, not a growing roll of fat. I tried to put on some spring clothes this morning and everything was a little too tight. Great. Now I am sad, angry, afraid, depressed, childless, and FAT. Happy Tuesday to me. . .
For the time that I was ignoring everything DH believed I was fine, and why wouldn't he, I did too. Now that I am having such a rough time, and all the feelings are really coming out, he is totally perplexed. At first I think he really thought I was exagerating everything, and that I would be fine in a few days. Now I think he is really starting to grasp how I am feeling, that this is not something that is going to go away in a few days. I have been slowly working up to talking to him about things, and I find it harder (and maybe counter productive??) to try to talk to him on "good" days.
Lately I have been really careful about what I say or how much I complain or get upset in front of him because he has been under a lot of stress himself. He was recently diagnosed with a rare form of arthritis and a hernia. He has suffered from RLS (restless legs syndrome) for years, but was recently prescribed medication. I know he is afraid of going for his follow-up appointment in a few weeks, so I don't want to give him anything else to worry about. Yesterday he was in a lot of pain and was feeling down and fearful of a possible impending surgery. I tried to be supportive and helpful. He said he wanted to go for a walk and I happily agreed, glad to be able to get out of the house, hoping to be able to talk a little to him about how I had/have been feeling. Then on the way out the door we have a silly argument about pain. He says that I can't know how badly he is hurting right now. I disagreed and said that I could and did understand how bad/hard it is. He then says physical pain is more unbearable and more difficult than emotional pain. I am stunned. I know that he is not saying this to be mean or hurtful; and that he is angry and frustrated and hurting himself, but I am really at a loss. I don't pursue the issue and we go on with our walk. He talks about the future and the plans he wants to make. I listen mostly silent, and don't say what I am thinking; that it is almost too hard for me to look forward right now, that the present is hard enough. I am afraid that even if I can talk to him that he will never understand what I have been through, that he will always minimize the loss.
What do I do? I can not paste on my fake smile at home too, it would just be too exhausting. I feel like everything is too much. I woke up this morning with the panicky feeling I have not had in 3 weeks, and for the 1st time in a long time I cried hard before leaving for work. The fear that I can not take anymore is really consuming today. This morning at 4 AM when I couldn't go back to sleep I thought about where I was a year ago, and everything thats happened since then. It feels like all the bad things started happening around this time last year, my cancer scare, my parents each losing their jobs and almost their home, my brother's bi-polar disorder taking a turn for the worst, my job becoming really stressful, losing my baby, losing my job, losing my insurance and my hope. I hate to be so negative, to feel so sorry for myself. I know that there were things that happened in that time that weren't horrible or crushing; unfortunately I can't remember them at the moment.
I have noticed that when I am home I do feel better. I am not sure anymore if it's because I feel safer there or because it is not this new job that I dislike so much. My feelings get so jumbled up and I can't separate them anymore. I have gained some weight over the past few months which adds to my negativity. I was supposed to be covering a big baby belly, not a growing roll of fat. I tried to put on some spring clothes this morning and everything was a little too tight. Great. Now I am sad, angry, afraid, depressed, childless, and FAT. Happy Tuesday to me. . .
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